Yes I know, these End of Year things are a cliché. This is less about what happened in 2016 may it be with celebrities, politics or my own life. It is mostly about Imposter Syndrome and how I perceive myself as well as how others seem to see me, or well how I think they see me and how they might actually see me. You get the idea.
I started work this year and with it came crippling amounts of anxiety. I also discovered Imposter Syndrome which very much resonated with me about how I feel about my professional self. Surely some day someone will find out that I am just making it all up as I go along right? Even on the days that I feel I do well and am on the ball, I still have those thoughts. It’s weird but a few people have assured me that most professionals feel this way, especially when just starting out. We are all just faking it ultimately.
The feedback and insight of other fellow humans came from social media. I find it wonderful how many are open about their anxiety, depression, self doubt and other struggles some of us face daily. I also love how many of my friends ask for help, or kittens and other things to cheer them up and how social media responds with memes and other supportive gestures.
I was much quieter on social media earlier in the year and now engage a lot more to not only show my love and care for my friends but also to ask for support and share my insecurities. In larger social groups I tend to be the loud one. I am very vocal and even often come across as aggressive. One on One is most likely the situation I show my softer self. It is important to me to show that behind the fierce person that I usually am, I have loads of doubts and fears like most people. This came from a comment of a dear friend, that I often seemed cold or uninterested, in person as well as on social media. And the more I investigated the more this was echoed. Many people I admire and adore thought I didn’t like them very much.
At first I was confused that my brash and loud manner scared people off. I worked a lot on becoming who I am and crafting this part of my personality. It is a mixture of self defense as well as the aspiration to be fierce and independent since I was very young and now these lovely people didn’t realise how dear they were to me. I have since reached out to a few people and tried to be more vocal about how much they and others mean to me. This has made for wonderful connections. But I feel it is not enough, and I worry that people are intimidated by me. I will never be the warm and cuddly type, or not in most social situations, but I do want to let the world know that if you have met me and I come to talk to you when I see you and such things, I do like you and probably admire you and the things you do.
My social circle, the communities I move in and my facebook feed are full of amazing and wonderful people that I greatly admire. I am only the one I am today because of them, the things they do, the spaces they create and support and the articles they share on social media. Chances are you are one of them reading this. So here is my End of Year Reflection, of my inner self, doubts, thoughts and care, showing you that I admire and love you.
Love and Be Loved