Oh bloody hell, I am so scared.

This coming Monday my new course at a semi-new Uni will start. It means I will actually have to be productive and stop doing what I have been doing for the last six months = lazing about.

But this is not only scary because I have to make an effort at Uni. It mainly is because a lot is changing. I have decided to find a new way of life that will help me balance my altruism and my egotism better in the future. So I will go to Uni, go to Spanish classes, try and find time for myself and then for friends and relationships. I don’t want to again, explode all over people that do not deserve it because I can’t balance myself properly.

This is what is ahead and I am trying to look as confidently as I can towards it.

Furthermore I would like to thank all of my long time friends for standing by my side through this shitty period in which I did not communicate sufficiently nor politely. I would like to apologise to them that I have dumped my shit on top of them repeatedly. Without them I would not be as strong as I am today. I will do my best to make them feel more appreciated in the future. (If I don’t and forget about this, send me the link and bash my head against the wall)

Also I need to thank my beautiful boyfriends who have so much patience for me. I know I can be unfair and unfocused. I am also working on that.

Almost done: I am grateful to all my other friends that have contributed to my life and helped me through it as well as I have done so far. In particular my Guardian and my Luxembourgish Lover (thanks for the tough love and honesty, guys)

Last but not least let me say something: Here I come future, in your face, full frontal, at my career, at my life, at my own happiness! Screw being scared!

I love you guys! Thanks for all the help, love and support!

Love and Be Loved,


Coming out

So I said previously I was going to write about this.

Well I have three stories to tell, my own, my German’s and my london lover’s.

Let’s start with my London lover’s, for future reference I am going to call him the Bald One  (no offence, but it’s better since you went bald). Anyway so he told me in detail his history with BDSM and how he had a meet up with his friends and said he wanted to announce something. Apparently they all wondered what it could be and came up with very funny ideas.

So he took the challenge of facing all of his closest friends and telling them about his sexual preferences. He says that until now his mom has issues dealing with it and urges him to settle down with vanilla girl next door type. I totally understand that he does not see eye to eye with his mother. Neither do I, as you might well have noticed.

Here is how it happened to me. Thanks do my close relationship with my mother I was just always used to being open to people about it. As I discovered new fascinating things like BDSM, the Fetishscene, Open Relationships and Polyamory, I just talked to people about it,  mainly my close friends and mother. By now I am so comfortable about al of this that if you will ask me what I did this weekend I won´t hesitate to tell you what sort of clubs I went to.

The German on the other hand is still in the closet, or at least partially. This is why this blog is kept away from almost everyone he could know. His closest friends don´t know much about his love or sexlife. In one group, he has slept with one girl and I doubt anyone else knows even though I have the suspicion that she has something going on with another guy from the group. Anyway I am amazed about how discreet these people are, it´s almost like being back home. Due to being with me he has mentioned to some of his closest, including his mum, that he is in an open relationship with me. He has also told them that I have two boyfriends. Mostly the reactions have been pretty smooth I would say. So his way of coming out is bit by bit when it comes to his friends.

But what about strangers and new acquaintances? The Bald One and I mainly go out in the Fetish Scene in London, so we are pretty settled in already when it comes to telling someone what you are into. Even saying you are poly has the common reaction of people knowing what it is and saying that is just doesn´t appeal to them. But The German has been on a few dates with a few women and until now he hasn´t found a way of saying, I have a girlfriend, am a dominant BDSM male and looking for fun and more. We discussed this yesterday. Where does ethical and your fun conflict, he said. When does he have to tell a woman about his relationship with me? Too early might scare her away and too late might make her feel cheated and used.
(I once told a guy soon after we had sex, we had sex three more times that night but I never saw him again after that.)

So when and how do we drop the poly bomb? The BDSM one can easily be hidden if one is ok with having vanilla sex in these situations but saying one is in a relationship or even multiple ones can easily alienate otherwise potential partners.

It is not easy to find the ethical balance without jeopardising one´s fun. I personally play with open cards from the very beginning and let people know about my situation as soon as there seems to be interest.

Finally an example. Wednesday the German went to the Sauna with a woman, around the same age as him. They share a hobby and thus know each other. She suggested going to the sauna, he agreed. They spent a few hours naked, in the whirlpool and cuddling talking about her sextoys.

When will he tell her about his situation?

I think that since they discussed a sexual and intimate topic on their first date, he should not wait for too long. Maybe see when first intimate physical contact is established, or attraction and emotional comfort is clear. He will have to find out on his own. I hope for him she won´t shy away.

But the poly BDSM people are not necessarily distinguishable from the vanilla monogamous people 😉

Love and Be Loved,



So a rather painful topic but one I feel like I need to address it.

Recently a new found friend from the States triggered this topic. We had a pretty intense spark when meeting and the evening had quite a few interesting turn of events. However I did not exactly feel passionately attracted. He mentioned via fetlife that he hoped not to be friendzoned yet. (For his comfort, I haven’t 😉 )

This is a weird topic for me. I usually know when I feel like fucking someone. Sometimes I can change my mind as I get to know someone better. But all too often I end up in a situation where I flirt with someone but it doesn’t really happening for me. By then I have already raised hopes with the person I am flirting with. This, combined with my personality often ended up in me nevertheless pursuing the relation. End Result: some combo of guilt-pity-and-booze-sex…. but generally comfortable and not very ethical, really.

Now often these things ended by me being distant and resenting the person but since I have not really been able to say NO since a few weeks ago, they often dragged out as well. Many times the contact would just stop, primarily because I found someone else interesting to play with…. I lost sight of a few people when I fell in love with my German…

I feel bad for letting these things just fade into darkness. I decided to avoid this in the future and find a better ending to no longer wanted intimacies. (Still haven’t made much progress) Actually finding an ending fitting the relationship is probably a better way of putting it.
Getting back to the Friendzone, how does one prevent ending up in it? With my male friends I keep telling them to make sure the girl, if she shows interest, is reminded of them in a sexual manner. It is important to insure a flirty sexually tense atmosphere I think. I will never want to hump someone’s brains out who doesn’t keep the conversation spicy 😉

Also I did this weekend go out with the German and we ended up hunting a little. We were looking for a girl that tickled our fancy and discussed approaching techniques. I ended up saying that really it all comes down to the first few moments: first look, first eyecontact, first sentences.

Let me elaborate:

First Look: Simple basic attraction, hotness etc.

First Eyecontact: Is someone behind those eyes that seems interesting to me.

First Sentences: Is this person actually interesting/interested +Humour and Intellect.

Usually by then we know if we want to do the nasty with someone or not. Then one can get more knowledge about each other and some people may encounter a dealbreaker… this is however more psychological than physical.

So now I drifted from the Friendzone theme to the hitting on each other theme.

Anyway. We Polypeople have another issue when it comes to that. Since the way we love is not very well accepted everywhere, it can be difficult to find the right moment to explain ones situation.

And this “coming out of the closet” which also applies to BDSM, is going to be the theme for my next post, so stay tuned.


Love and Be Loved,



Selfish 2

This post is also entitled Selfish but is not actually about selfless love. It´s about loving yourself.

My mother always used to tell me that if you are not a happy and balanced person, you should not be in a serious relationship.
It is easy to be in a relationship, even a mildly serious one, if you have deep emotional problems, like commitment issues and intimacy problems. But there is always a risk of hiding and denying your problems as well as projecting them onto your partner.

So the safer option is to take regular care of yourself or at least try, because lord knows, hardly any human being on this planet has no emotional issues and is able to be perfectly happy most of the time.

I say this but I have difficulty doing this. I am rarely able to say, no, this is where I need to look after myself and take a step back, stop being social and relax. Recently I came to the point of breaking because it felt like everyone needed me in some sense and I was getting shit all over the place…. Finally I took the spoace I needed and I feel much better but I also know now that I need much more of this space and I want it plain and simple. I like being in my fortress of solitude not having to take care of everyone, be respectful, politically correct and just nice. Some people are hard to deal with a lot of the time and I can´t do it anymore.

I still stand behind my statement of selfless love but I can only do this if I have everything I need, feel balanced and safe.

Being selfish, yes that is necessary and it can feel great. I have been with the German this weekend and as usual we tend to talk a fair amount. This time he confessed to feeling rather guilty when being on the receiving end. He said there was this shadow present restraining him from feeling full guilt free pleasure. He also mentioned how sometimes when he was rather forced to be isolated he ended up relaxing, thinking and learning a lot in the process.

I suggested he should join me in my 24h lock up. I intend to shut myself off the world completely for 24h in the next coming 2 weeks. It looks like we might do this together, exchange password for our skype fb etc lokc each other out of our accounts and then be completely on our own for a whole day. This day would end with us meeting again most probably. Might be a good idea, might not. Stay tuned for the results.


From the last few weeks I have learned one thing: looking after yourself rocks! (even though I might not have done much thinking, I still feel better by just knowing that all this is “me” time)

The German needs to do some of this too but I am sure he will get around to it soon enough.

So close your eyes, look into yourself and do at least one thing today that is completely and utterly selfish! It´s worth it 😉 I for one am going to play Sims 3 and not be afraid of ruining my gamer reputation 😛


Love and Be Loved,



Fortress of Solitude

So while taking care so much of other people, I often realised that I needed to look after myself. I have been feeling like this for about 8 months. I am finally doing this.

Fortress of Solitude. I decided to look after myself. Do what I want to do and basically didn’t bother with anyone who would be any emotional work for a few days. After my 48h shrink session I was exhausted. I went to the cinema on my own and stayed up late. I slept through half of my days. I still ended up in a pile of emowork.

My good friend in London talked to me about a lot of stuff which I didn’t mind because I feel he would never judge me and I can tell him anything.

He send me an article about being socially addicted. I do sometimes feel a little like Jules from Cougar Town. But I guess I just have a little talent to get myself into situations where I could do something fun with friends and I just never say no since I tell myself, meh can be alone some other time. That time just never comes along.

But these days I took that time for myself. And what I mainly realised is that just knowing that I was looking after myself made me feel better already. I found time to think but also to just procrastinate. I haven’t found answers to everything I wanted to think about but I feel a lot more balanced.

We’ll see how this process will help in the coming weeks.


Love and be Loved,



Being the shrink and finding a new technique

I promised you a post about my weekend, so here it is.

I spent a lot of time with the German including a beautiful castle at an erotic party. His mood was a little down due to his relaxation issues. We talked a lot that night. We talked some more the following 48h.

The German is basically very self restricting. That’s all you need to know. What I mainly wanted to write about is the advice I ended up giving.

I started to tell him to take things one at a time. I should have gone for tackling a black belt, appealing to his love for martial arts. When you are a white belt you will not challenge the black belt. You will have to work your way up there and start with the little things you can deal with.

Monday we were both feeling rough. We started doing things on our own.
Then we talked and after a while he simply said he felt like being alone. We analysed our vicious cycle. The problem we have is that we both don’t want the other to feel responsible for our happiness and just take care of them. So whenever we stated our wants and needs we felt guilty because also sometimes they triggered negative thoughts, emotions or fear. We decided to figure out some sort of space where we could both say what we wanted without any judgement or hurt being involved. Finally we agreed on making a list.

So far on the list we have on his side space to be alone and on my side to communicate more. To elaborate he often feels the need for space, to be in his own head without distractions. I however get nervous because I do not get a lot of insight. I said I wanted him to speak to me after this time of distance and explain how he was feeling and what was going on.

So we decided to work on this together. Put our issues on the table, at our own pace and discuss and work on them together.
Finally during dinner I mentioned Lily and Marshall’s “Pause Technique” from How I met your mother. I did say it was from a sitcom and might not be completely applicable but the German took to it. He said he liked the idea of freezing the situation and being able to leave, retract oneself and then come back to it when one was ready without having to worry about causing damage because of one’s absence. People tend to let things fester and mold inside them when one party backs off from the confrontation. The German welcomed my offer and we have established the “Pause Technique”: being able to freeze our current situation, separate into our own headspace for a while and then come back with new insights and pick it back up again without any irreparable damage having occurred during that time.

Of course we will have to see how this will work out once it happens.

Love and Be Loved,



I have to apologise.

As much as I dared to write about being a selfless lover, a recent infatuation has made me neglect someone very dear to me.

All these selfless things I wanted to be have just revolved around the German and people who have more recently come into my life. I have been resentful, unfair and cruel to the other man in my life. Our relationship seemed pretty dead to me. It seemed restricted and boring. I felt like it was fading into the past as I let myself get dragged away into obsessions about the future due to butterflies.

I have wronged the Goth in many ways. I am now trying to put my head again on my body in the right way. He needs my attention which I have been almost denying to him.

I guess I overestimated how good I could handle two loves. I might have been a little full of myself. So I am dialing this back and will focus on both those men as equally as I can. But I am however afraid of the shift in priority which has already occurred in me.

I do not wish to restrict my short time available with the German due to the Goth. I live with him and see him all the time. Soon the German will become this thought inside my head which I can only hold about once a month if that.

I am afraid I will fail. I am afraid I will get too carried away with dealing with this distance as the German tends to be a little uncommunicative and the Goth requires a lot of attention… I will just have to turn my head to the sun and be optimistic. I will do my best to bring the Goth back to the place in my life he deserves. I will do my best to maintain my relationship with the German and support him as I did before. But most of all I will do my best to keep this all healthy and balanced inside of me to not wrong anyone unfairly due to what is in my mind.

I love them both, in different ways, and our relationships are very different. But damn it I can do this and keep all three of us growing, smiling and loved.

Love and Be Loved,



Ok I am quite upset so this might come out incoherent.


Let’s start where it makes sense. For the last at least 3 months I have spent most of time around people. A lot of it around the Goth and the German who both need a lot of attention.

¨The last 48h have been one big shrink session with the German, with positive outcome however. But I need a fucking break from everyone to deal with all of this shit and think about myself for a while. So I went to see a romantic comedy which fitted my mood very well. I then strolled around a fair in the area and ended up chatting to someone I worked with 3 years ago there for about three weeks.

This guy used to know me very well. We were involved a little and he was giving me nice advice. So today when I was about to leave he said that I am still not able to give away control. He continued to say that I wear a mask and that I am running away from myself. He said I have a tumor growing inside of me and that I am in denial about everything I am. He also said that my inflection in English is as mask.

I got upset about this because I used to care about him and he used to give me good advice so I am used to accepting his words as true, or at least to some extent. He was right in a few things but only to a certain extent. He also would not let me finish my sentences….. Which really makes me angry especially when I point it out.

So the gist is I went away. And seconds later I realised : He was wrong. He doesn’t know me anymore. I gave his words too much power. I am not what he says I am. I and only I know what’s inside of me, nobody can truly see or know me. I am inside my head and I am OK with how it is in there.

I got home and skyped with a man very dear to me. Some of the words said there were: “You can’t teach old dogs new tricks” Very true when it comes to this guy. I will no longer listen to his advice and accept it as true without questioning.

I will also no longer just swallow any advice but definitely add a grain of salt to it and put things into perspective so that I can process them in my mind in a less harmful way.


I hope this makes sense. Maybe later tonight or tomorrow I will go back to what beautiful and horrible things happened over the weekend 😀


Love and Be Loved,



The Mother Update

Well, I recently wrote about my problems with my mother and how much I would prefer cutting her out. Due to feelings and emotions and all that crap ( 😉 ) I ended up buying my mother some popcorn and talking to her in the end. My brother had told me a few days earlier that she had pestered him to find out why I was so distant.

The talking went well. We had small talk about my plans and how things were in London. She ten asked me if I was in love with the German. I said yes. A little later she asked if he was in love with me. I said I believe so. Again a little later she asked how the Goth felt about that. I said he was ok with it. I also added that it would be a different thing if they were living in the same area as I wouldn´t know how well I could handle splitting my time evenly. I decided to change the subject to not give her any more material to start “being worried” about again.

I still don´t want her input nor her opinion about my life unless I explicitly ask for advice. So now comes the difficult part: being nice to her and having some sort of relationship without feeding her too much amunition to hurt me with later on. We shall see how well that goes.

Furthermore I had the thought of, maybe when this blog feels a little more complete to let her read it. That could really backfire or it could help her see why I do what I do and why I am who I am. Maybe she could start to understand and see that this is not just a phase but something I truly care about…

What do you guys think? Worth the risk?

Love and Be Loved,


Ethical Slut Test

True Ethical Slut

Whoa! You scored 38 Sluttiness Points and 26 Ethics Points! Interesting…

Doesn’t sex just kick ass? You love it and your friends love it and your playmates love it. Sex is that overflowing bowl of ice cream you just have to share with the world. Because maybe, just maybe, if we can get more happy good sex out into the world, we can make it a happier place for everyone in it. You know how to communicate about what you want and how to listen to your partner’s desires. You even use your turn signals. You’re just an all around good person. You are one of the beautiful people.
Well who would have guessed.
I do always try and be not only safe, sane and consensual but also honest, ethical, and respectful. Of course one does slip here and there… AFOG again right?! But I wouldn’t be bothering with thinking about my Life and writing this blog if I didn’t care about my personal growth 😉
Have a good start into the weekend my dear readers!
If you wish to take the test:
Love and Be Loved,