I have to apologise.
As much as I dared to write about being a selfless lover, a recent infatuation has made me neglect someone very dear to me.
All these selfless things I wanted to be have just revolved around the German and people who have more recently come into my life. I have been resentful, unfair and cruel to the other man in my life. Our relationship seemed pretty dead to me. It seemed restricted and boring. I felt like it was fading into the past as I let myself get dragged away into obsessions about the future due to butterflies.
I have wronged the Goth in many ways. I am now trying to put my head again on my body in the right way. He needs my attention which I have been almost denying to him.
I guess I overestimated how good I could handle two loves. I might have been a little full of myself. So I am dialing this back and will focus on both those men as equally as I can. But I am however afraid of the shift in priority which has already occurred in me.
I do not wish to restrict my short time available with the German due to the Goth. I live with him and see him all the time. Soon the German will become this thought inside my head which I can only hold about once a month if that.
I am afraid I will fail. I am afraid I will get too carried away with dealing with this distance as the German tends to be a little uncommunicative and the Goth requires a lot of attention… I will just have to turn my head to the sun and be optimistic. I will do my best to bring the Goth back to the place in my life he deserves. I will do my best to maintain my relationship with the German and support him as I did before. But most of all I will do my best to keep this all healthy and balanced inside of me to not wrong anyone unfairly due to what is in my mind.
I love them both, in different ways, and our relationships are very different. But damn it I can do this and keep all three of us growing, smiling and loved.
Love and Be Loved,