So a rather painful topic but one I feel like I need to address it.
Recently a new found friend from the States triggered this topic. We had a pretty intense spark when meeting and the evening had quite a few interesting turn of events. However I did not exactly feel passionately attracted. He mentioned via fetlife that he hoped not to be friendzoned yet. (For his comfort, I haven’t 😉 )
This is a weird topic for me. I usually know when I feel like fucking someone. Sometimes I can change my mind as I get to know someone better. But all too often I end up in a situation where I flirt with someone but it doesn’t really happening for me. By then I have already raised hopes with the person I am flirting with. This, combined with my personality often ended up in me nevertheless pursuing the relation. End Result: some combo of guilt-pity-and-booze-sex…. but generally comfortable and not very ethical, really.
Now often these things ended by me being distant and resenting the person but since I have not really been able to say NO since a few weeks ago, they often dragged out as well. Many times the contact would just stop, primarily because I found someone else interesting to play with…. I lost sight of a few people when I fell in love with my German…
I feel bad for letting these things just fade into darkness. I decided to avoid this in the future and find a better ending to no longer wanted intimacies. (Still haven’t made much progress) Actually finding an ending fitting the relationship is probably a better way of putting it.
Getting back to the Friendzone, how does one prevent ending up in it? With my male friends I keep telling them to make sure the girl, if she shows interest, is reminded of them in a sexual manner. It is important to insure a flirty sexually tense atmosphere I think. I will never want to hump someone’s brains out who doesn’t keep the conversation spicy 😉
Also I did this weekend go out with the German and we ended up hunting a little. We were looking for a girl that tickled our fancy and discussed approaching techniques. I ended up saying that really it all comes down to the first few moments: first look, first eyecontact, first sentences.
Let me elaborate:
First Look: Simple basic attraction, hotness etc.
First Eyecontact: Is someone behind those eyes that seems interesting to me.
First Sentences: Is this person actually interesting/interested +Humour and Intellect.
Usually by then we know if we want to do the nasty with someone or not. Then one can get more knowledge about each other and some people may encounter a dealbreaker… this is however more psychological than physical.
So now I drifted from the Friendzone theme to the hitting on each other theme.
Anyway. We Polypeople have another issue when it comes to that. Since the way we love is not very well accepted everywhere, it can be difficult to find the right moment to explain ones situation.
And this “coming out of the closet” which also applies to BDSM, is going to be the theme for my next post, so stay tuned.
Love and Be Loved,