Ok I am quite upset so this might come out incoherent.


Let’s start where it makes sense. For the last at least 3 months I have spent most of time around people. A lot of it around the Goth and the German who both need a lot of attention.

¨The last 48h have been one big shrink session with the German, with positive outcome however. But I need a fucking break from everyone to deal with all of this shit and think about myself for a while. So I went to see a romantic comedy which fitted my mood very well. I then strolled around a fair in the area and ended up chatting to someone I worked with 3 years ago there for about three weeks.

This guy used to know me very well. We were involved a little and he was giving me nice advice. So today when I was about to leave he said that I am still not able to give away control. He continued to say that I wear a mask and that I am running away from myself. He said I have a tumor growing inside of me and that I am in denial about everything I am. He also said that my inflection in English is as mask.

I got upset about this because I used to care about him and he used to give me good advice so I am used to accepting his words as true, or at least to some extent. He was right in a few things but only to a certain extent. He also would not let me finish my sentences….. Which really makes me angry especially when I point it out.

So the gist is I went away. And seconds later I realised : He was wrong. He doesn’t know me anymore. I gave his words too much power. I am not what he says I am. I and only I know what’s inside of me, nobody can truly see or know me. I am inside my head and I am OK with how it is in there.

I got home and skyped with a man very dear to me. Some of the words said there were: “You can’t teach old dogs new tricks” Very true when it comes to this guy. I will no longer listen to his advice and accept it as true without questioning.

I will also no longer just swallow any advice but definitely add a grain of salt to it and put things into perspective so that I can process them in my mind in a less harmful way.


I hope this makes sense. Maybe later tonight or tomorrow I will go back to what beautiful and horrible things happened over the weekend 😀


Love and Be Loved,



The Mother Update

Well, I recently wrote about my problems with my mother and how much I would prefer cutting her out. Due to feelings and emotions and all that crap ( 😉 ) I ended up buying my mother some popcorn and talking to her in the end. My brother had told me a few days earlier that she had pestered him to find out why I was so distant.

The talking went well. We had small talk about my plans and how things were in London. She ten asked me if I was in love with the German. I said yes. A little later she asked if he was in love with me. I said I believe so. Again a little later she asked how the Goth felt about that. I said he was ok with it. I also added that it would be a different thing if they were living in the same area as I wouldn´t know how well I could handle splitting my time evenly. I decided to change the subject to not give her any more material to start “being worried” about again.

I still don´t want her input nor her opinion about my life unless I explicitly ask for advice. So now comes the difficult part: being nice to her and having some sort of relationship without feeding her too much amunition to hurt me with later on. We shall see how well that goes.

Furthermore I had the thought of, maybe when this blog feels a little more complete to let her read it. That could really backfire or it could help her see why I do what I do and why I am who I am. Maybe she could start to understand and see that this is not just a phase but something I truly care about…

What do you guys think? Worth the risk?

Love and Be Loved,


Ethical Slut Test

True Ethical Slut

Whoa! You scored 38 Sluttiness Points and 26 Ethics Points! Interesting…

Doesn’t sex just kick ass? You love it and your friends love it and your playmates love it. Sex is that overflowing bowl of ice cream you just have to share with the world. Because maybe, just maybe, if we can get more happy good sex out into the world, we can make it a happier place for everyone in it. You know how to communicate about what you want and how to listen to your partner’s desires. You even use your turn signals. You’re just an all around good person. You are one of the beautiful people.
Well who would have guessed.
I do always try and be not only safe, sane and consensual but also honest, ethical, and respectful. Of course one does slip here and there… AFOG again right?! But I wouldn’t be bothering with thinking about my Life and writing this blog if I didn’t care about my personal growth 😉
Have a good start into the weekend my dear readers!
If you wish to take the test:
Love and Be Loved,

Recent Thoughts

Due to recent events I got into talking about all the people that came and left my life over the past year, and my past in general. My desires and sexuality are very fluid. My interests change. 

I also have a limited amount of attention to give and time to spent with people. I realise this connects to my post about selfishness.

As I progress from one relationship to another my priorities change and I find that people fade away, may it be due to neglect or something else but mostly they just drift away. It’s sad. I never dare to tell them what they meant to me nor do I find a way to give those relationships the ending they deserve…

It is always difficult when things like these end. 

It is even worse when you stop being interested in someone in some way, like sexually. Someone you use to want to be intimate with but now prefer to be platonic and friendly with. How do you tell someone this? Why has it happened?

The answer I found so far is that Sex 1on1 is really emotionally stressful for me. I get shy, nervous and self conscious. Sometimes my needs change and this person, as harsh as it sounds, no longer seems worth the effort I have to put in to be sexually comfortabel with them for what I get out of the encounter.

It is hard to face this. It is even worse to not be able to explain this to someone. I am worried to hurt people in this way.

However I am glad I bothered to think this through even though it means I have to admit that I can be a shy little girl, whose ways look selfish and retracted sometimes which contradicts my usually open and dominant nature. (I do really like feeling protected and safe, another thing hard to admit)


I guess I have a lot of things to admit, to stop being in denial about and to own up to but it is all part of the process of growing. Another Fucking Opportunity to Grow!


Love and Be Loved,



Small Rant

I am lowering myself today to the level of ranting. And this is about my mother.

I always had a close and very sharing relationship with my mother. This was usually rather good for me as she offered good guidance and advice mostly. 

But when I started developing my nonmonogamous side she struggled to accept it. I don’t know what her problem is exactly but basically she writes it off as a phase and seems more worried about the Goth’s wellbeing then mine (He is the only of my boyfriends she  ever approved off). 

I am torturing the men I am supposedly in love with, she says. 

She also claims to tolerate it and accept it but she won’t support it. Thus she won’t meet anyone else I am involved with.

Not too long ago she got rather involved in my lovelife and I got really upset because she was being judgmental. I have now decided to retract myself from this mother daughter relationship as I see no other way. Since I no longer need her I can only deny her contact with me if she causes me pain. I am willing to let her back into my life if she accepts that this is me and won’t tell me to take better care of the people I love. Sad but the way I feel.


Love and Be Loved,




The theme of Selfishness is rather important to me.

A friend of mine once said to be that all nonmonogamists are selfish since they are not happy with just one person. Apprently we are greedier than monogamous people and take what we need from the people we are involved with.

I can see the point in this statement, however I also see everyone else being selfish since 99% of our behaviour is directed at our own happiness in so form. Even if we do supposedly selfless acts they do end up making us happy, may it be because we make someone else happy, help someone, put work into a relationship that we wish to keep alive for whatever reason…. it all comes back to making ourselves feel good.

Just a moment ago my German took a break from working and came over to me and collapsed on his bed. I asked if I could help him in any way and he suggested a shoulder massage. I made him take his tshirt of because I wanted to be able to touch his gorgeous torso (selfish me). As I started massaging I also realised that ultimately I would get a gesture in return if not now then later (selfish me).

When I started exploring poly about a year ago, I read a lot about loving selflessly, loving without even the expectation of getting anything in return. The Germans call it “Ritterlichkeit” – Chivalry. Knights vowed to be loyal, generous, and “noble bearing”. This I wish to apply to my life. To love for the sake of loving, for the honour to love. Without needing or even necesarily wanting to be loved back but to embrace love when it crosses your path. To cherish every moment with the ones you love most. I wish to learn this way or living and loving in my vanilla relationships as well as my bdsm ones. I wish to be a sub of utter love and devotion to my Master and follow his every wish through with admiration and perfection, to make him happy. I wish to make the Goth smile and make him feel special since he is one of the most amazing people I know. But most of all I wish to share myself with these people, all of them who care about me. I want them to know that they make my Life as great as it is and that I want to make them all as happy as they make me feel.

I feel I have a long way to go and a lot to learn to be able to do all this but I am on my way.

Love and Be Loved,



I guess I forgot to add that I am also into BDSM and have a couple of other lovers on both the continent and in London.

So BDSM. I am a Switch with a stronger Sub side. However I have only recently explored this a lot more with my German. I have come to the realisation that I want him to me my one and only Master.

I am also working on developing my Domside more, looking for a lot of play too.

I mainly have two people I see regularly otherwise. One back home and one in London. I guess I can say that they are fuckbuddies. The one from back home took me to a german Swinger Club with another friend with benefits of his. I had my first Fivesome 😀 We had a ton of fun.

I have until now a less sexual relation with my fuckbuddy in London. I admit that I have developed strong feelings for him and do care deeply. We had a Foursome with him and a girlfriend of mine who had invited another girl. We had a lot of fun too.

In general I am constantly trying to experience more, develop my personality, to grow really…

These people are important to me because they help me with this. I cherish them for what they give me, what I give them and for all the great moments I experience. I am thankful for having them in my life for whatever period of time. I love them all in a very unique way.



Love and Be Loved