WTF?

Well I am calm now but I wasn’t earlier.

You remember my friend whose girlfriend has never seen me yet was already worried about me tempting him?! Well when they originally got together I didn’t feel much like talking to my friend. I just didn’t want to see him. I was worried I was going to loose him to this new love, like I did previously with a friend.

And guess what, it looks like I was right. Today I got a call from my friend. He was really upset saying how he didn’t know what to do. His girlfriend had been applying a lot of pressure on him saying she wanted him to prove his love and that he would be faithful to her forever. She was also apparently no longer only worried about me but about his faithfulness in general.

This friend has already proved to me that he is in love with this girl and faithful to her before they were even really together. And now he is almost crying to me on the phone because he is worried she will leave him due to her own paranoia.

I suggested he’d write her a letter. I also suggested someone should make her face her own emotions. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. From personal experience: asking for support even if it makes you show that you are weak gets you more help than projecting your fear and building yourself a wall.

Anger is always a projection of other emotions. Or at least I believe so.

I then suggested to my friend that maybe we should put our friendship on hold so that he can be happy with her if it helps. So maybe that will happen now.

I still think the girl should face her true emotions and own up to them and not suppress someone else.

Funny, this was supposed to be a rant. Well I guess I just get really angry at people doing shit like this. It’s totally unfair and one should not tolerate it.

Furthermore: recently I wrote about waiting. I had a date last week right. I am still awaiting answer to a  text I answered to yesterday. Why do I not know how to be patient. Grrr. Oh well, distraction it is 🙂 Gaming.

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

Wait for it….?

Wait. Waiting.

We do a lot of that in our lives. I do. I wait for the train. I wait for a package to arrive in the mail. I wait for a call or a text.

Can we stop waiting? Distract ourselves from the actual thought of the thing we want/miss/don’t have? Does that actually stop the waiting?

When do we wait? When we actually consciously think about something? Or also passively?

Are we patient? Do we get stressed out by not having what we are waiting for?

Can we improve waiting? Should we try and shorten the time we spent waiting, either by distracting us our speeding up the process of getting us to the object of our desire?

I guess no one should run onto train tracks to reduce their time spent waiting on the platform. We can however pay more money for faster delivery, like the Goth did with Guild Wars 2.

Waiting often translates into missing, mainly when it comes to people. In most cases we miss someone we “can’t wait to see them again”. When we started dating, and I spent my first month away from him, I send the German a message saying I missed him. He replied with: I don’t really miss. I prefer to look forward to.

I spent a lot of time waiting. Especially for people and events. Currently I look forward to every coming weekend. However I really want it to be December. I will see a lot of people again and have some awesome events coming up.

I am also currently waiting for someone to text me back about meeting up over the weekend or during next week. But since I just met up with him yesterday, I am aware of how pushy I must seem. (I did warn him though) Some of you might know me like this 😉

I have no idea how to make me stop waiting. I freak out a little when I realise I check my phone every 5 minutes to see if I got a reply. When I realise I am waiting for someone to come online like I am some female cliché…

So from now on when I miss something, or more precisely someone I will go for: I am so looking forward to seeing them again. I just hope that my optimism won’t make me fall too hard on my face if it doesn’t work out the way I want. I do tend to hope a lot, don’t I? Oh well you all like me that way really 😛

Love and Be Loved,

The PolyOrange

Oh Boy…

And I thought I failed hard last weekend. I fucked up even more this one.

 

Let’s back up a little. I have been seeing the German for about 7 months now and over those months the first 6 were spent taking care of him when we were together, supporting him and making sure he is happy. Helping him develop his sexuality and position himself in this relationship. In September I had a breakdown and realised I needed to start covering my own desires a bit more. Unfortunately I am not very good in how to ask for support and help and all that.

 

With the Goth this was easier. He knew about my issues, I explained and he gave me space. Just the way I needed and still do.

 

With the German, this was the first time the dynamics changed between us. It was all wrong over the last few weeks. This weekend as well, when I went to visit. I threw all my insecurities, all my frustrations, everything onto him at the worst moment possible. I had to run and hide when I realised what I was feeling. I took a step back, well I tried. I had a choice. Not feel this way and let him enjoy this moment or say how I feel and ask for help. I went for the latter. I was too hurt. I didn’t get the support I needed because A: I didn’t explicitly say so and B: The German was physically and mentally exhausted and too strained to be able to bother (as he explained earlier today)

 

On the way home very early this morning, I was extremely quiet. All I said was that I was sorry. Then I cried and said that I just realised whenever I asked for real support I ended up feeling guilty afterwards. The German pulled the car over and hugged me. I was really happy he did that. I would not have been able to pick myself up otherwise.

 

Today I felt very guilty about last night still. We talked some more. We both knew that this was exhausting and all we did was discuss our issues recently. Finally we established that we need to become more aware of what we want and how to give it to each other. Unfortunately this does include more communication but I am sure it will be better afterwards. It’s funny how I already feel better about it then before just because we decided we no longer want it to be that way.

 

I am proud of him and of myself. He managed to pick himself up well a few times and kept his head straight. He might have strayed from his path but managed to get back on it. I was aware of my feelings and consciously made a choice about my behaviour. It might not always be the best one but at least I am aware.

 

More generally:

What does a relationship constitute of? Love? Happiness? Passion?

Well I thought about this last week already and for me it is the give and take. Wanting to make someone happy and letting them make you happy. For me this does not work if one does not know what one needs nor is able to state it.

 

Communication, Balance, Honesty.

 

My three key words when in a relationship.

 

Love and Be Loved,

 

 

ThePolyOrange

What if?

I wanted to finally write about something less based on only me and more general about the polyamorous lifestyle.
One of the main things people in ethical non-monogamous relationships face is the what if question every time their partner, or themselves get involved with someone else.

What if the new partner is hotter than me? What if they are better in bed then me? What if my partner loves them more than me?

I have not yet been in many situations of dealing with this. My previous boyfriend a year ago was dating someone else at the same time as me. She was crazy about him and hated my guts. She was ok with him sleeping with other people except me. So he ended up dumping me but later on used me to cheat on her because she was not satisfying him sexually.
He actually had a serious go at me calling me a slut and a whore. This was his way of breaking up with me.

So that didn’t end that well. My second example is my friend the Bald One. Since we started sleeping together he has very clearly stated his loyalty to me. And when it came to my other friend the Climber, who I have had a few moresomes with, I felt like I might loose them both if they slept together. So I asked him if he would tell me if he planned on seeing her. I also suggested we’d sleep together, the three of us. This happened later on. Last Saturday we were all out together and she had asked him to come home with her, so he asked me for permission. After thinking it through and feeling it through, I agreed.

I have never experienced that kind of loyalty before and it makes me feel very safe.

Thirdly there is the German. He is in general out on a date about once a week. And when he goes out clubbing he ends up meeting new girls. I fully support him in developing his sexuality and making new contacts. But I do occasionally feel jealous. I am worried about losing him. I am worried that he will enjoy screwing someone else more than me. This is mainly since I know he doesn’t find me sexy. Or at least this is what he said about 3 months into our relationship. By him saying I do not fit his usual type, I got very conscious about it all. I have found a way of dealing with it though.

Now every time jealousy shows it’s ugly head, I face it and tell myself that I know that he loves me. He has shown this more in the last few days than ever (or at least that is how it feels). Then that burn inside my chest goes away and I am happy for him. Sure I could lose him, but I doubt it would be because of some other woman.

So there are all these What if Questions but when you are open and loving the answer is simple. They love you. There is only one of you. There is a reason why they want you in their lives. They will not give up on you easily.

If these things aren’t true then from my point of view, the relationship is not worth keeping any longer.

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

Update

So Uni has begun and a lot has happened.

First off I realised I cant talk to normal vanilla people anymore. I find it very difficult to apply a stronger filter to what I say. After I struggled with this for a few days I decided, fuck it, and now I talk the way I usually do.

Now almost everyone at my course knows about my poly bdsm self, rather than just the girl with the bright hair. I even brought in flogger, leech and cuffs as props for an exercise.

The bad thing is that I have an interest in someone on my course. He knows all of this. And when I tried to make subtle advances I failed. When I made stronger ones he got scared. It was a drunk student night at the pub but still. I might have to just let that happen… For now I apologised for being pushy and will let the matter rest.

When I started thinking about all this I decided I wanted to be open about my relations and fetishes because it all being kept in the dark those lifestyles will never gain a better name. So I now tell people about all of it and answer all their questions honestly. Result: a guy on my course asked to come along to a fet event because he was curious.

Second: My good friend the Bald One took me to an interesting social event which one had to attend to become a member for the groups private bdsm parties. Needless to say I took like a fish to water. And I also met a few awesome people including a couple.

I first talked to the man and really liked him. The girl who I met later seems very similar to me and we got along well. I do have to say that I am very eager to get to know them better and have a few dates seperately and together.

Finally a good friend of mine from the other side of the big pond who shall henceforth be known as ‘The Knight’, gave me feedback on my blog and it helped me develop a lot of thoughts from the weekend (my Fail update etc). It lead to interesting exchanges on his side and also with The German.
I do feel a little lost when it comes to him as he rarely expresses wants so I am lost about how to please him and surely one wants to please ones Master. So I explained this to the German.

This post has to be finalised with a thanks to these guys, the ones that showed me their love when I needed it, the German for being more available and listening to me, and The Goth for giving me the space I need.

I love you all. Have Hugs!!!

Love and BeLoved

The PolyOrange

Fail

Seriously. I thought I had learned something over the last few weeks but apparently I haven’t.

I know how to be more selfish but I just went from one extreme into the other. I did my usual thing. I have not been able to communicate the things I desire in a clear way and eventually one frustrating event triggered all of these emotions. Result: Anger. Let loose on one person.

This would be easier if the things I said in those moments were untrue. Unfortunately I know exactly where to hit and what to say and often in a very cruel way.

Still this time it was not really the case. I expressed concerns in a complete honest way which equals harsh truth. I ranted about how much I cared as well. What I did not know at the time is that the person I was ranting at was in a bad place as well. So I made it all worse, ignoring their feelings and throwing up all the negative emotions that have stored inside me over the last months in one go all over them.

The next day I felt horrible. We talked again that evening. I had to hear what I did.

The main things the German told me at this point is that he has trouble dealing with knowing that my happiness relies in any way on him. He does not like the responsibility  It makes him feel like he is loosing the freedom to deal with his own emotions if he has to.

This sucks frankly. To hear that someone is not ready to take care of you, yet you take care of them. He doesn’t like this either. That it is often all about him. But then again I can understand his need for space and personal time. So we decided to leave it as it was. If he needs to be on his own he does not have to tell me. I just want him to talk to me when he is better so I will know what went on and might be able to reach out to him then.

So again, after a long talk that lead to nothing and a longer one that did, we found a better way of being together (even when actually apart). I realised that I need to communicate my needs better and more often rather than have them suppressed. So when I said I wanted support, I still don’t really know what I mean with that. I guess I also want someone to hold my head, kiss my forehead and say it will all be fine… Don’t we all need that sometimes?

 

Love and BeLoved,

 

 

ThePolyOrange

Those Two

Meh. I am not sure if this is fair or ethical but with my recent revelations of selfishness I have also come across about how unbalanced my relationships can feel.

So this is a little bit of a rant at my two boyfriends. I love them and they have both done stuff for me and supported me. However I feel like I am the one doing more.

This is going back to a post a few days ago. I just found myself yearning for love letters, of which I have written at least a few for every man I loved. I found myself yearning for little pieces of attention that make me feel special.

When I love someone I want them to be happy and throw myself into it head over heels to make that person feel special and loved. It looks like I happen to find men with issues. And men who can’t express their feelings that well.

Oh well. I guess that is all of them?! Not true, last night I met someone who is in a similar situation. He told me his girlfriend helped him communicate and they seem like a great couple.

So here is a message for all you guys out there, and girls. If you love someone, go ahead and show it. Go up to them, hug them spontaneously, kiss them, stroke them and tell them how much you love them. (Do this especially if you know they like it) Go ahead get over yourselves 😛

In moments like these I wish I was dating myself. I am very happy to be alone for a bit more. Gives me time to figure out stuff. Still would be nice to get more support from my dear lovers. Strange that the ones that I am actually in love with support me less than the fuckbuddies I love.

Maybe I’ll need to find a better way to make this clear. Maybe it is just something they don’t want to do or are unable to do. It just does not make me happy to realise this over and over again. I think the way forward is to take a step back, yet again, and do more stuff for me. Screw them for not giving me the support I desire. I shall give it to myself 😀

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

Manipulation

During my last months of self evaluation, and more specifically the last one, I started to think about why I get myself into these situation over and over again. By these situations I mean meeting someone I think I could want to sleep with, so I get more flirty then usual (and I have my problems being subtle).

Basically I often end up with relationships that I am not really comfortable in because I often feel like I have promised sexual contact in some way and need to stand up to that. I don’t really wish to do this about half the time. I also get nervous and shy in those situations which then confuses the people that met me so confidently.

Now how come this happened so often? It was close to happening back home a few weeks back and I told my brother about it. He said well why would you do that again?! You always make them fall for you and show them the happy side of life and then you are stuck taking care of them. (Or he said something of the like).

I do have a very strong objection against dishonesty and manipulation. So when I was thinking about my behaviour in these situations I realised that I am very aware of how to use my face and body to make men fall for me. I know this sounds conceited but that one night back home I was very aware of what I said, what expression I put into my eyes and how I smiled. There was a huge feedback.

Now is the fact that I am aware of this making my behaviour manipulative? I once used slightly teary eyes to make the German tell me that he cared about me. I really needed to hear it, I was feeling fine, pretended to be angry.

I do not use this to make people do anything for me. I have only actually used it a few times to gain information or comfort maybe but never anything drastic. However I am very aware of what my actions, movements and expressions can make people feel. Still I keep wondering if I should feel very bad about this. On one side maybe not because I don’t use it in a malicious way. On the other it still feels like manipulating. But I do use it for positive effect mostly actually.

I am deciding for now that it is a good thing that I am aware of my body that much. I also hope that I won’t use it in a bad way in the future.

For now enough brainwork,

 

Love and Be Loved,

 

ThePolyOrange

Breakdown and Resolution

Sunday afternoon I was sitting about gaming waiting for the German to come online. When he finally came he said he would leave in 30mins. I was not happy about that. He felt pressured and like he was only causing me sorrow. He explained this a bit then there was a long silence. I was running around in my head not knowing what to say.

Finally I broke down. I felt like I am always the one working on my
relationships. I sent text, call, write letters, give presents and travel. I talk and think. Mostly what I get in return is bupkes, zilch.

I ended up rambling about that a relationship needs more than one person working and he required a lot of work already and that I needed some support too.
I understand how much his freedom means to him.  But I have needs too.

After some more silence (as usual) he suggested an experiment: switching roles.
He would inquire about me so that I would get the desired support and then he could discuss his issues if he wanted to avoid pressure yet being able to share.

More evolution and awareness about our needs. Feels pretty damn good.

Feel needed and be allowed to express your needs. 🙂

Love and Be Loved

ThePolyOrange

Friends with Jealousy

Hey Guys,

Sorry it’s been a while been very busy with Uni and stuff.

So this week was interesting. I got a request from my bald fuckbuddy for our date which made me feel like I don’t make enough of an effort for him when we meet up since it was outfit related.
This initially made me very angry, as I am usually proud of the effort I put in my outfits and preparations for dates. I did assume I would misinterpret and I did. But feelings are not logical, so I was still angry for most of the day.

This was made worse by a friend back home calling me. He recently entered a monogamous relationship. We are usually quite flirty and have fooled around a little. He called to ask me a question and would then explain the reason for asking. He ask if I would still hit on him despite the fact that he is now in a closed relationship. I said no. He did ask this because he was honest and told his girl about us. She however is of the opinion that where there once was attraction it can resurge. I do agree with this but it has nothing to do with the ethics around this situation. Now I have also been asked to talk to her over skype so she can get to know me.

I will be very far away from these people for very long and I am a reasonable loyal friend to not hit on my monogamous friends in any serious way… So basically this girl, my friends new found love already lost serious brownie points with me.

What to do in this situation? I find it hard to respect people that are so hugely irrationally jealous and have to implement strangers into dealing with their feelings.

Then again I have many times and in this post stated that feelings are irrational. She is open enough to talk about this rather than let it bubble up inside her. I still doubt I can deal with her very well. We will see what happends when I talk to her but I will assume friend position and be open minded and friendly. In that situation my friend doesn’t need my attitude as well as his girlfriends. I hope he is ok and it will work out for him. (Just annoying because he is a really good man and fucking deserves to be trusted!)

I then later on send an intense message to Baldy. I told him he was not in the position to make such requests. He is a friend and not my Master. He reacted very badly to this. We did eventually relax the situation by clearing up what we meant. We had a very fun evening. He explained that his request was due to fantasies he was trying to fulfill.

With the German I have started to explore my more subby and slave side and I do not feel ready to share myself in this way with anyone else. It at least not too intensely. I don’t really know why but I have no interest in the moment with this. I am developing and evolving as a sub and I guess partially I do not wish to advance to a level where my German Master won’t recognize me anymore when we play.

This is a very new part of my life now despite that I have done much of this before. I have learned a lot and I am determined to become more selfish and not be the only on who cares for people and who only wants to please people. I will look after myself properly, focus on my career, help a new relationship blossom, revive an old relationship and learn Spanish. Sounds good no? 😉

Some interesting stuff happened earlier. I shall report on that in the next few days.

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange