Selfless vs Trust

Recently I have become active again on a german erotic dating website. More precisely, I set up a couples profile with the German and have been reading around their polyamorous forum.

I got involved in two threads mainly about Jealousy and the idea of ‘The One’. A man replied to my writings personally in a private message.

When asking if people do actually not get  jealous sharing their partners, this man replied saying trust was the primary thing he cared for. He did not expect anyone to love him back, or give anything in return. No. He just cared that trust was reciprocal and remained unbroken.

In our messages we picked up the theme of selfless love. I am sure a lot of you are familiar with the concept of loving someone without expecting anything in return. I can not do this. Not yet. I am trying to teach myself to expect less and less, to take things as they come and enjoy what’s there rather than making it something it’s not. People come into your life and the worst you can do is put them in a box, try and fit them into a specific role in your life to fulfil your own idea of what they and your life should be. The Goth might not be poly, but this is very present within him and makes him a lot wiser than me. I may not put people in a box but I prefer my needs to be fulfilled by the ones I love, which often applies unnecessary pressure onto them.

Selfless love is incredibly difficult and I admire anyone who can achieve it. I am personally worried to be abused, which has happened to me before. The man I was writing with responded saying, that one may love selflessly but if nothing is given in return the love is likely to fade away. Protecting oneself when in love is very essential to me. As much as I give myself and my heart intensely and freely, I am careful to see the ones I love in a clear light, trying to prevent exhausting myself. Falling in love is never without risk.

But beneath the love is trust, the basis for all healthy relationships. If trust is broken, it has a serious impact. Trust does not come back lightly so be careful where you tread. Here again communication will be your saviour. If you know where the boundaries are, it is easier to stay inside them than if you don’t. If you have established them with all the parties wellbeing involved, it makes it easier to have a dynamic constant happy state. Pure Logic, right ūüėČ

Love and Be Loved,


External Influences

A few interesting things happenend over the last 48h and I just now I realised I can summarize them as External influences.

For some “unknown” reason, I have always reacted strongly to my closest friends and families opinion about my partners. The core of my relationships (friends and family and partners) is one of my main focuses and sources of comfort and support. Naturally when someone new enters the equation I get nervous about how all the elements evolved will relate.

Usually those things have gone pretty smoothly. If not there has been some issues, especially concerning my parental Unit. And having to just see your partner outside or at your friends house puts a strain on a young relationship.

Fortunately this man turned out to be not worth the time and effort I put in, but one is always smarter in the end.

I am fairly nervous about Christmas this year. The German finally gets to see my world. Until now, we have only spent time together in Germany, and now he will meet, family friends and my London based entourage all withhin 10 days. It will be a strong test to our relationship to spent that much time under that much stress to together.

I doubt any of my core will clash.

However, very recently, as in last night, I was told something that rather upset me. My lover Blade from back home and I have been discussing our next meet up. Him and his lover Fantasy have asked me if I wanted to go to this Kinky Party in Germany around Christmas. It is where I met the German, and except for him there was not much of a good party… I gave my opinion on the event and as confirmed this weekend, that the German and I would not want to go there again.

I mentioned that the German and I will most likely go to the Swinger Club that Blade and Fantasy introduced me to a few months back. Of course the topic of them joining us arose. Blade was impressed with my ease to make new friends and asked me to support him with such connections if we were to go together again. However he mentioned that Fantasy had her doubts about joining us due to the way the German and I usually are intimate. Penetrative Sex not being a certainty made her unsure.

A few months back, I would have totally understood that. It is only thanks to the German that I am perfectly happy exploring bodies and sexuality without intercourse.

Back to the story at hand. After I said that we wouldn’t have to have just sex with each other, Blade mentioned that usually that is the case. So how am I going to show him my friendmaking skills?! Also there are always a few interesting single men among the “wanky” men around who one could include, or just plainly another couple. Furthermore there was the first evening I met Fantasy where both her and I shared Blade.

I’m trying to not get worked up over this, especially since I did not talk to her personally. However still in the process of adapting to the German’s sexuality, it hurts deeply that frustration arises now from an external source, influencing me and restricting my hopeful plans for my Christmas Break.

Slightly clueless about this, and aware that this can seem like passive aggressiveness (Blade reads my blog usually) I will work on reestablishing my inner balance as I do not wish this to put any strain on my sexual evolution with the German.

As much as external influences can be reasonable and helpful, they can also unnecessarily damage a relationship (I take a lot of these things to heart). I respect her views and expectations when she goes out swinging. Maybe the two couples are not ready yet to interact that intimately together and a little patience is in order.

I find a lot of the time a little patience and distance calm helps my mind settle. Taking a step back, gaining a new point of view and reestablishing what you already know and is comforting for you. I am sure this will help and I will feel a lot better very soon.


Love and BeLoved



Positive Negative

After watching Brené Browns TED Talk, I realised I wanted to write about this for a while.

In 7th grade my religion teacher gave us a task in which we had to write down 3 events from our childhood, all positive. Now some of you may know that I have not had a very smooth childhood as my father was struck by a brain¬†hemorrhage¬†when I was 4. He spent a lot of time in hospital and is now¬†permanently¬†mentally as well as physically handicapped. At the age of 12 I was sitting in that classroom going, well what will I write about since all I could think about where sad stories about my dad’s illness.

Recently I gave this subject more thought. Think back over the last few years and see how many positive things come to mind and how many negative ones?

I have had a very good year so currently my head is filled with beautiful memories and exhilarating hopes. However usually one remembers the bad stuff. Like how unsatisfied I felt during my time at my previous Uni and how I can already feel the same emotions rising again.

Wondering why this is, my only conclusion was: basic human instinct, survival as best as we can. Best includes happiness and satisfaction as well as well being. Just because our memories are negative does not mean we are negative people. To me it simply means those are things that have marked us and we want to avoid similar pain in the future.

But really wouldn’t it be nicer if we mainly remembered the beautiful, magnificent and happy experiences? I am an optimist, even a rather intense one and to match that I will try and remind myself more of the amazing things that I had the pleasure to be a part of, without ignoring the painful ones, as it is all of your past from which you can grow not just positive and negative.

We are past, present and future. A whole package, deep down.

Love and Be Loved,




After my last visit to Germany in October I started getting random texts from the German asking me if anyone had already told me that I was a wonderful woman today.

Those messages really cheered me up, put a smile on my face and made me feel very loved.

I started thinking a few days later when I was with the Bald One. Actually it takes hardly a few seconds to send a text like that and your loved one feels loved and probably a bit happier.

On the other hand it only takes a few seconds to answer a call, this may be an important call while in company of more “trivial” people or a more trivial call while in company of important people. When one texts, Facebooks, takes calls or just plain smartphones while with people one makes a statement. A statement of priority, of commitment.

It is thus rather important to consider what statement one makes by being in contact with other people than the ones present.

(I am a bit lost in where I am going with this) Basically I have become much more aware of commitment and priorities. I have a very adaptable daily life and can easily get carried away when dating someone. Often these individuals do not have half the time I have, and I am not their main priority, which is fairly normal for my lifestyle anyway. It always helps me when my partners make me aware of this, that they can not dedicate a huge chunk of their life to me, however they still want me in it. The Lumberjack is one of these cases. He send me an text explaining in detail that he had little time for me but still wanted to see me. He just wanted to avoid seeing me under pressure or out of guilt and ruin something fun, as he put it.

Knowing where your priorities lie helps you find a balance for your life. Communicating those priorities makes it easier for the other people involved in your life to create those intersections between their life and yours to the satisfaction of all parties involved. ( this just feels like dribble ?!) It took me a while to figure out what I need. I wrote extensively about my need for solitude. Recently I realised my need for intimacy has been neglected. Physical closeness is something I have had almost constantly in the last 6 years. Now with both my relationships being distant in one way or another that habit has started to vanish and left a hole like going off a drug would.

So there came a change in priority. Finding a way to reconnect with the Goth without neglecting my private space. Building a more intimate relationship with the Bald One has also arise after our evening out this weekend.

Priorities and commitment are fluid, they change, morph as we go along. Priorities, for me change more often. I don’t like having a strict first, second etc placement. I don’t like having that in my relationships either. But there is a clear few things I am more focused on than others.

When it comes to actual commitment, this means more to me. If I commit to someone, they do become a priority but a more permanent one. They become a part of the whole. I will do a lot for them if they need me. I will rarely say no.

Commitment does not mean marriage, relationship, monogamy or something like that. I don’t need words for it. There is usually a moment where I make it clear that someone is part of that whole. With the Goth it was when I broke off my other relationship, with the German I just stated one day that when talking about him i called him my German boyfriend and he didn’t object. I commit to my friends in various ways, most recent examples: I decided to initiate a change with the Bald One and with my friend from home I committed to letting him break off our friendship to save his relationship, promising I would still be there for him if he ever wanted it to change back (I did not promise to mock him for it though).

The more I experience being poly the more I feel the constant dynamics in life and how letting things change, evolve and flow can lead to extraordinary situations, encounters, moments.

Love and Be Loved,



Selfless Love

What does Love mean for you?

Can you love selflessly? Do you want to love selflessly? Without expecting anything in return?

Florent Pagny seems to think so :

Alanis Morisette as well :


But is it really that easy? Is it even doable?

Ever since I discovered Polyamory I knew that selfless love had to come in to some degree. Being poly means not being possessive, letting your love be who they are, giving them freedom. But you do also care about them. So what are you going to do if they want you not to worry when they feel down and need their own space; when you barely get a word out of them and just have to be patient and wait, knowing that they are currently unhappy?

You want them to let you know they are doing alright. You want to help yet they won’t let you.

And all that is still the White Knight stuff. What about needs, wants, wishes? Shall you just wait and hope that they are willing to do something nice for you as well? I guess there is selfless love and unrequited love. Selfless love takes a lot of maturity, knowing when your own health and wellbeing are on the line, when things go to far, when you have become someones slave.

In my relationships I am not loving selflessly. I am trying to give my partners what they desire but I do still very much want them to take care of me in return. I recently had a talk with the German where I broke down due to me feeling like he was lecturing me about selfless love. It sounded like he was saying he was loving me this way and I was not capable of doing the same. Of course this is how it sounded in my head. He confirmed that he himself is just the same: aspiring it but not quite capable of.

I think the sort of love I am aspiring to is more of a enjoy-what-you-have-without-forcing-it. Like with the Lumberjack, who recently texted me saying he is very very very busy and we will probably meet up once a month or so, again something we don’t want to force out of guilt or stress etc.

I started thinking about this even before my breakfast since the German is currently unresponsive and I know what that means. I am hoping he will soon feel better but until then, like my best friend said, even though about a completely different topic, twiddle with your thumbs and wait. Ah Patience, the one thing I find oh so very hard to learn.


Love and Be Loved, and have a good weekend!


The Mother Update

as previously mentioned my mother is not exactly very understanding of poly. She has however said that as long as I am happy she is happy. On the other hand she accepts noone except the Goth as my partner and when I go back home she does not wish to have me involve her in any way. No sleepovers, dinners etc.

Then again she has moments where she contradicts herself. She has offered me to use my car to drive to visit the German. She asked me questions about him and I showed her a picture of him.

Now she has broken her rules when I told her I was going to spend Christmas with the German. I told her I could come for Christmas but I am leaving to London with the German a day after. My mother then said, well for a night or two you guys can stay here, it goes against all my principles but oh well at Christmas one can poor some water into one’s wine.

No wall that has to happen is that the German agrees to come over for a few days and will have to face the judgement of my dear friends and family. He said it should be doable. So I guess yay for spending Christmas with my closest rather than his… I am slightly worried about all of this December business.

Also because the German and I will spend about 10 days straight together. The most we ever spend together I think is 5 or 6… Should be very interesting. We have already discussed this and decided we might have to use our Pause Function to take¬† a break from each other or anyone else really.

Exciting Exciting

Love and Be Loved,


What happened recently

Well to quickly tell you what happened:

Thursday the Goth and I had a discussion about our relationship. It started by me being obnoxious and blaming, saying I was the only one putting work into the relationship. (I felt very frustrated recently.)
We realised if we didn’t make an effort our passive¬† coexisting would eventually be the cause for our end. Then we shut our laptops and watched a movie cuddled up on the couch.

So now we have date night once a week. This discussion also started due to me wanted to have a date with the Lumberjack who I had one date with previously. He had suggested this Friday and the Goth was going to go out with Coworkers. I asked him if I could have a window, a time until which he would agree to be out so there would be no risk of him walking in, just in case the Lumberjack and me decided to get a little closer.

So then there was Friday. During the day I was really frustrated and texting with the German I showed how I felt. Later on I called him during lunchtime. I was telling him how angry I felt due to my frustrations. And how guilty I felt for not being able to let go of that anger. When it comes to the German I am mainly frustrated due to lack of, well plain sex.

In the evening, The Lumberjack came over for dinner. We had fun talking for about 3 hours and spent a bit of time getting to know each other a little better. It was good fun. I then send him a text the following day saying I am glad that I met him since I feel like I can be myself around him.

Saturday I had my very first play party. Attending were the Goth, the Bald One and a couple of friends henceforth known as the Singing Swingers. I think everyone had fun and left fairly satisfied. The Goth was surprisingly open and joined in well although he avoided contact with anyone else but me.

Sunday I went to the London Alternative Market and spent some money. Later on I relaxed at home watching League of Legends Matches with the Bald One.

Monday was Uni time. I spent some time reflecting upon my feelings from the previous week. Conclusions: I felt mainly frustrated due to lack of intimacy and love at the moment since I pushed the Goth away and the German is physically away from me as well (plus he needs a fair amount of space). So now I feel a lot better. Quite optimistic.

I also talked to the German, today and explained my new conclusions about my obsession about having sex with him. See when I am in love with someone and it is still in it’s original hormonal stages having sex with someone can be the most intense experience on the planet. Being so close and connected. I explained I was mainly missing the physical contact when we were being sexual. He was glad to hear it since it made it sound very differently from his just being a fucktoy.

All in all a rather nice and productive weekend. Optimism has arisen and lots of good things seem to be on the horizon. I wish the same for you all.

Love and Be Loved,


Guilt update

I am sorry for projecting my frustrations and feeling angry. I am at the moment unable to feel anything different. Just anger. It’s not their fault nor their responsibility.

I feel guilty for feeling angry, for having those needs. I feel guilty for all of it. And I don’t know how to handle it at the moment. I feel guilty for throwing it all onto someone. I feel guilty for getting angry about what he said even though he just wanted to help me. I feel guilty for not loving selflessly… I feel guilty for feeling to horrible. Damn visious cycle. Sorry. Nothing is working out today.





Well the good news at the moment is that I had a serious talk with the Goth about our future and that we decided to spend time together specifically and not just coexist anymore.

Yesterday on the train home I was totally frustrated though. I felt like both my men were standing in my way. The Goth keeps me from easily dating other men in London and the German keeps me from experiencing the sexual desires I have with him. I felt like my effort was greater than theirs when it came to the well being of the people involved in the relationship.

Then the German cancelled our skype date because he was invited to dinner. I had just done my shopping in a more expensive and unpractical way to be home and ready on time. Then the bastard dared to text me that he loves me (this is how this all felt at the time). I just teared up and couldn’t stop crying the whole way.

As much as these men can communicate it feels like they don’t enough. I seriously have needs that I want covered and I have expressed them. The answer I get is mostly silence.

Right now to look at this again a day later. I have a terrible memory when it comes to remembering what people said. I have a terrible tendency of forgetting the things people have done for me and not appreciating those actions enough. I tend to get unfair and judgemental and¬†self righteous¬†and all that crap in moments like these. Yet all I want is for them to support me. But whenever I say so I feel unfair and guilty or get mean and bitchy. Plus I get the feeling that they do but it just doesn’t feel like enough.

Aaah anyway, I am going to stop thinking now and I am going to stop feeling guilty now.

Have a nice Weekend.

Love and Be Loved