I will try an structure this entry better than my last two.
As you know if you read those past entries, I have been feeling rather bad. During the sharing at the workshop, I went deep down inside myself and digged up some really dark stuff I had carefully hidden away. Things I have been denying but I also worried about being in denial of things I am generaly very secure about. I didn´t want to realise that I am not as selfaware as I thought I was. I did not want to have to face up to inexperience and shyness. I did not want the things I take pride in taken away from me.
Nobody did these things to me but I did them to myself.
For the following weeks I felt vulnerable and weak. This Saturday I was out with the German once again and once again as was good until the late evening when stress arose. The German backed away and wanted to not be pressured. I did not, absolutely not, feel bad about myself in any way so I reacted with anger. Lots of it. We left, went to bed saying we´ll discuss it tomorrow.
And we did, except that I was still angry, mainly with myself and my lack of understanding for my partner. I wanted to hurt myself really badly. I hated myself for being selfish. I dared to express my needs and was shot down. Everything crumbled and I was shaking.
The German more or less pinned me down, holding me and trying to comfort me. I calmed down only to let my anger and frustration rise once again when he tried to express what was going on with him.
Then he held me. He made me hold him and listen to him. He allowed me to be weak. He allowed me to be selfish. All of my shit just dropped away, it fell away. I breathed deeply and with every breath I felt my strength return to me. I felt like myself again. I felt like I was fucking high.
I identify this experience with being my first moment of ecstasy.
I recently started reading “Ecstasy is necessary” by Barbara Carellas, which I can only throughy recommend to anyone. I found it through the blog of a man I hugely admire.
I came to the conclusion that the suffering was necessary for me. I feel better now knowing that I accepted feeling lost. I know now that I can conquer these emotions and time is on my side.
And at last after two weeks of weak, pathetic, drowning in my own emotions I found something to hold on to and pull myself back up with support and love from my partners. (The Goth was with me back in London and supported me even when I was being a total bitch for no apparent reason, which he often does. He is wonderful like that.)
I will not say that I don´t deserve my partners. I can just honestly say that I feel the balance has returned more than it was the last few months. Support has become more mutual and knowing that I am supported and support the people close to me, is the best Christmas Gift I could ask for.
I wish you all very happy Holidays.
Love and Be Loved,