Ecstatic Christmas

I will try an structure this entry better than my last two.

As you know if you read those past entries, I have been feeling rather bad. During the sharing at the workshop, I went deep down inside myself and digged up some really dark stuff I had carefully hidden away. Things I have been denying but I also worried about being in denial of things I am generaly very secure about. I didn´t want to realise that I am not as selfaware as I thought I was. I did not want to have to face up to inexperience and shyness. I did not want the things I take pride in taken away from me.

Nobody did these things to me but I did them to myself.

For the following weeks I felt vulnerable and weak. This Saturday I was out with the German once again and once again as was good until the late evening when stress arose. The German backed away and wanted to not be pressured. I did not, absolutely not, feel bad about myself in any way so I reacted with anger. Lots of it. We left, went to bed saying we´ll discuss it tomorrow.

And we did, except that I was still angry, mainly with myself and my lack of understanding for my partner. I wanted to hurt myself really badly. I hated myself for being selfish. I dared to express my needs and was shot down. Everything crumbled and I was shaking.

The German more or less pinned me down, holding me and trying to comfort me. I calmed down only to let my anger and frustration rise once again when he tried to express what was going on with him.

Then he held me. He made me hold him and listen to him. He allowed me to be weak. He allowed me to be selfish. All of my shit just dropped away, it fell away. I breathed deeply and with every breath I felt my strength return to me. I felt like myself again. I felt like I was fucking high.

I identify this experience with being my first moment of ecstasy.

I recently started reading “Ecstasy is necessary” by Barbara Carellas, which I can only throughy recommend to anyone. I found it through the blog of a man I hugely admire.

I came to the conclusion that the suffering was necessary for me. I feel better now knowing that I accepted feeling lost. I know now that I can conquer these emotions and time is on my side.

And at last after two weeks of weak, pathetic, drowning in my own emotions I found something to hold on to and pull myself back up with support and love from my partners. (The Goth was with me back in London and supported me even when I was being a total bitch for no apparent reason, which he often does. He is wonderful like that.)

I will not say that I don´t deserve my partners. I can just honestly say that I feel the balance has returned more than it was the last few months. Support has become more mutual and knowing that I am supported and support the people close to me, is the best Christmas Gift I could ask for.

I wish you all very happy Holidays.

Love and Be Loved,



I have spent some time thinking about the past week and a half.

That workshop thingy I mentioned in my previous post. I think I should start there.

Last Saturday I went in there all confident that whatever the universe was going to throw at me I would have the strength to grow from it and I did. I had an amazing time, connecting with people on different levels and experiencing new territory such as Conscious Touch.

On Sunday we were all sitting in a circle and sharing our experiences from the day before. At first people were thankful and felt great and then more and more people shared deep experiences, some very dark from their past. Listening to some people reveal what they have gone through felt very intense.

I staring thinking about what I could say. I thought about the last year and all the things I have done, good and bad. I was overwhelmed with my own feelings and during a loo break I chatted to my neighbour in the circle and started to cry. I then proceeded to share my thoughts with the group later.

After the weekend was I over I skyped with the German. The result of that was that we was feeling down as well and at this point he was annoying me. I was not in the position to be supportive and it felt like he was wining.

The coming week I went through various states of emotions, close to tears, cried a lot, got angry and frustrated etc.

The weekend was weird. I personally had a great time with Blade and Fantasy up to the point where the fun got close to pain and I collapsed from pain, exhilaration and frustration.

The rest of my stay in Germany was also quite emotionally exhausting. We both were a bit down and talked a lot. Some of it helped, some of it didn’t.

My main problem is that he is unhappy and I wanted us to be in  a good place so badly it made me feel even worse when we didn’t seem to get there.

On my way back home I realised that for some problems there is no quick fix solution. Sometimes we need to feel the pain and sorrow while we digest and find the roots of it all.

I was and am still not sure why I have been feeling the way I do but I am just letting myself feel it all. This negativity resonates within me but I am not loosing sight of the possibilities for growth.

I have to stop rationalizing my feelings sometimes. I can’t fix everything. Someone did mention to me that I have to stop intellectualizing my feelings (thanks for that).

Love and Be Loved,


It´s been a while.

Well I know it´s been a long time since I posted. There was one major reason for that.

Last weekend I attended a bdsm tantric introduction workshop thing, well that is what I am going to call it. I went into it very excited and came out, well drained. Not because of the worksop itself but because how having to face some truths about myself that are hard.

The following week things kept surging. More and more, over and over again, I felt weak, vulnerable, exposed and my first reaction: despair and anger. I felt like I lost control over all my feelings and everything was just flooding out of me.

Finally the week was over and I came to Germany and to my German. We went out with Blade and Fantasy on Saturday. In general it was a good evening but the German and I still left feeling odd. Not due to our company but ourselves.

Sunday morning I came home to find both my phones with a message from my best friend to call my brother, who had been celebrating his birthday the previous night, saying it was urgent. My father was hit by a car and is currently in hospital.

As much as I had to say about my experience over the last week, it all seems trivial now. My father is not going to die but his life is not going to improve once he gets ouf of there.

I feel guilty because I should be terrified, he is my father. I am not. I feel nothing. I feel a little numb today. I feel unsure about my happiness and also the Germans at this moment.

We talked a lot since I arrived and there were some tears two, plenty actually.

Soon I will write more in detail about this but not today.

Time to back Christmas Cookies with a friend and take my mind of things.


Love and Be Loved,


Those three words

We all know those three words. For some they are a way to connect, for others a way to ensure a bond and for other they are the three words of doom.

Saying ‘I love you’ for the first time is always risky. The one to say it first has to step up to the fact that the other one might not react well. They might say it themselves, they might not or worst of all it might push them away.

I have encountered people that plain simply refuse to say those words because who they are most comfortable being, the person they want to be, does not get emotionally attached. I assume most of the time that this is a defense mechanism created from pain felt in the past. There might be different reasons but either way I think one should not deny ones feelings, ever. But denial can be a more comfortable zone than reality, unfortunately.

The three words used to escape me very fast. I was not able to handle NRE (New Relationship Energy) all that well and got carried away by hormones easily.

By now I spent a lot more time reflecting my own emotions and become more precise about expressing them, in timing and phrasing.

Still I tend to utter those words first. I don’t remember when I first spoke them to the German. We discussed the three words, literally, so using those exact words and so eventually 3 took on a new meaning. I believe it was on the day we knew each other for 5 months that I said it when we were out dancing. I might be wrong. Anyway, until this day I tend to say it more often. However the change he has gone through is quite extraordinary.

The German has achieved and conquered emotional things he was dealing with and I am insanely proud of him. He confided in me and I tried to support him as good as I could and he seems to radiate with happiness these days. I feel thoroughly loved, supported and cared for at the moment.

It makes me very happy that he freely expresses his feelings to me which is something not everyone can do.

But back to my topic. Being in love is risky, like I mentioned before. Saying it out loud even more. This adds the risk of overuse. Will it lose it’s intensity or meaning if ‘I love you’ is repeated too many times and said in “trivial” ways?

The Goth and I use them plenty. At least once a day, often to terminate a phone call. The German and I still use them sparingly and in moments where, for me, they are felt deeply.

I do remember when I first said it to the Goth, and he thought it was weird. It was just before we had sex, sober and intensely for the first time. I didn’t want to say it afterwards, aware of how cuddly and emotional good sex can make me. I guess I am a little weird sometimes.

The three words, those exact ones. I find the english language very limiting. In German and my mother tongue, there are various ways of expressing it, often changing the tone and intensity. I love a lot of people in my life but saying ‘I love you’ seems to not have the right connotation. My Guardian knows that our love has a different feel to it than typical couple love. We are not in a relationship, do however have a deep bond that is important an cherished by both.

Blade as well. I care about him deeply. I believe he knows (by now he does, since he is probably reading this at some point). It would not occur to say those words though to him. He is another one of those people who is very careful about expressing emotions however I see him as in unity with his feelings and selfaware.

My life entails so many different relationships. Recently in a poly chat, I explained my situation and someone said that my other fuckbuddies, lovers etc were not part of being poly. Well why the hell not? Being poly is a mindset for me, not defined by how many people I have a relationship with. I do not define being poly by my boyfriends. I do not define love by ‘I love you’.

I feel love. I live love. And I hope the people I love know that. If not, ask me!

Love and Be Loved,