Control through talking

My Sunday night was to say the least intense.

From Sunday to Monday I was chatting with the German over Skype to fix an issues that had gotten out of hand. Our conversation got quite tough and I kept insisting on support. It lasted for about three hours until 2.30am. We finally managed to calm each other down.

My dear friend, the Bald One was visiting that weekend. He was sitting next to me watching something on TV while I was on skype with the German.

The final thing I remember making me crack was my current fear of loss. The German started seeing someone and with my dad being sick I started to tumble into a spiral of sorrow and fear.

My friend has been going through some stuff as well with a friendship of his. I offered my advice and help. The friend the Bald One was having issues with has a tendency of denial and aggression. In a phone conversation they had a few weeks back or so the Bald One had to listen to lots of insults and criticism with no real point to the conversation except that he apparently was a bad friend.

We both then talked about random stuff like denial, passive aggressiveness and conversations.  He asked me the question who has control in a conversation? The one who is talking?

Well the one who is talking is giving out information and dominates the current tone. The information  is what leads the conversation mostly. The words said are what have impact but only if they are heard. Someone might ramble while someone else is listening, or just thinking in their own head what they want to say.

The one sitting in silence might make the other one ramble, might make them insecure about what they say.

The Bald One then pointed out that the one asking the questions might be the one in control. If you were to ask someone if they loved you, are you in control? In the case of me and the German it was me. I wanted support and I wanted to hear what I already know. I just needed to ask for it since the German is not as straightforward with his emotions as I am.

But if you were to ask that to a new love and were not sure of the answer? Their answer will have the most impact and might define how you will feel.

Anyone can be in control in a conversation. It is not the communication that defines it but the dynamic between the people involved. Their relation and agenda in the situation drives the communication, verbal and non verbal. Sometimes a look says more than a thousand words.

Of course the one that shouts and won’t let anyone else speak, the words of the one being aggressive for the sole purpose of hurting the ones listening tends to take control without asking for it. Often these people are hurt and don’t dare to express how they really feel (that is how I used to lead intense discussions and it was mostly my motivation). Projecting hurt onto someone in a violent or angry way will rarely get you anywhere but into prison.

It took me a lot to learn how to communicate better and I am still not that good at it. I am great at leading others, advising, making them feel better and helping. I suck at asking for help and support in times of need.

So to answer the Bald One questions: Like most things depends on the circumstances 😉

Ah isn’t it beautiful how often that is the most generally true answer one can give ?!

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

Health is crucial

Health is the most valuable thing we human beings have.

If you are not healthy your life has many negatives added. Anything from discomfort, to daily difficulties and financial burdens. And there is more. A lot of us know about headaches, back pain, bad eyesight and cramps. Can you imagine living with one leg? Being in a wheelchair? Being blind?brainfood-01-resized-600

I am writing about this today because before Christmas my father was heavily injured by a car accident. He was hit on a Saturday evening at a Zebra Crossing and has most of his limbs badly broken. they kept him in a coma for about three weeks. No damage was done to the brain or to the torso. Most people would see this as a positive thing, but anyone who knows my father more directly agrees that it would be for the best for him not to survive this. However he will.

Let me elaborate: My bather had a brain infection in 1994. He was in a coma, they brought him back to early and the brain started to bleed heavily. For the last 19 years my dad has been paraplegic which means half of his body is paralysed which after a while results in a permanent cramp. His paralyses is vertical, so the right side of his body is affected. He spent 8 months in rehabilitation back in 1994. This incident also affected him mentally. My father has lost most of his short term memory to say the least.

So now he will face all of this again for the second time in his life. The first time round it cost him most of his mental capability but not enough to not realise what he has lost, his family life, his career and well everything else except for living on his own and being independent.

Rehabilitation with a paralyzed led and arm when most of your limbs have been broken, easy? No. Noone can really be sure what the results will be when he wakes up. But joy won’t be one. Pain and suffering, swearing and sorrow will be.

The good thing to come from this is that my mother has finally decided that I should love and live how I want as long as I don’t hurt anyone on purpose. She has come to terms with my polyamory since she has realised how ethically and honest I try to do things. Life is too short and frail to waste it disagreeing with someone you love 😉

But what else are you going to do in a situation like this? Live your life more healthily. I for one will be eating more consciously, drinking less and try to cut out smoking completely. And no these are not New Year’s Resolutions!!

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

Resolutions

It is not surprising that my first post in the New Year is entitled `Resolutions`. However cliché it might be, I did make some resolutions this Tuesday.

In three intense weeks of Holidays, almost completely spent in the presence of the German, I came across some issues I have been having for a long time. These issues are mainly behavioral manners of mine that need improvements.

I don’t like making resolutentertainment-career-resolutionsions on New Year’s itself. One should make resolutions all year round and not put them off until December. If one really wishes to make some changes, one should be able to take that decision at any point. I see some problems with making resolutions to quit smoking, or get healthier just because everyone else does. If I wish to quit smoking, which I almost completely have (2 in the last 3 weeks), I will do so whenever I feel ready.

If your heart and your mind are not behind your decision, you are bound to fail. And let’s face it, some resolutions are difficult enough to just make as it it.

Mine were not. The realisation that I needed to make them however was.  During this period spent with the German almost  24/7, he held up a very honest mirror to me a few times about my behaviour towards him and in general. I did not like what I saw. I did not like myself being condescending or unable to see or respect others boundaries.

People have told me that I ‘wear the trousers’ in my relationships. I have heard that so many times I have lost count a long time ago. I never really understood this because I loved my partners to bits and when I was alone with them I could be extremely loving and supportive. However when we were around people I would become this patronising alpha bitch that would put them down and makes them look insignificant. The German is the first to tell me that he would not tolerate this behaviour. Well actually he said that he would refuse to dom me if I needed to behave that way. And for someone I see as my Master to say something like this, made things very real very fast.

Spending three weeks together when you are usually used to it being 2-4 days is quite the test. I was having a really rough time juggling happy family time, the Germans needs and boundaries and my dad being in the hospital. I broke down twice, and twice the German was there to help me even though it was me who wronged him initially which triggered my breakdowns.

On New Year’s Eve I got too drunk. I was having a great time but the evening ended with me being a bitch to the German, not respecting his needs or let alone his boundaries. Very easy resolution there: No more drinking. At least for as long as I can and then go back to having an occasional drink rather than constantly drinking lightly.

That is not the most important resolution of that night, not even close. I have decided to become much more aware of the needs of the people around me. I want them to see mine so I will try and see theirs. I want people to respect my boundaries so I will try and respect theirs.

So I made some conscious choices to change my behaviour when with my partners in public and widen my awareness of other peoples needs.

The Bald One always says that being aware and being able to state your issues is the biggest step to resolving them. Leaving Denial is a huge part of changing anything. However what follows next is just as important. To not forget our decisions and keep them at the back of our head at all times so that we can change what we made the decision to change.

I wish everyone the strength to stick to their resolutions, old or new. It is never easy to try to grow but I respect everyone thoroughly who has the will to.

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange