Well my first sexual threesome was a huge mess. I guess one should not climb into bed with an ex and a current partner when drunk.
But since this happened I have had a few experiences with being in constellations of three of very different kinds.
My sexual threesomes have become much more balanced and enjoyable. As with most things, each time is different but I love finding myself in situations with new dynamics. I had a threesome not to long ago with an ex lover of mine and his girlfriend who have been in a monogamous relationship for a year. I showed a primary interest in the girl since I did not wish to make her feel jealous in any way. I interacted less with the boy which was fine.
I realise now that I am very comfortable sleeping with a woman, regardless whether or not there is a man involved. I guess I can confirm to myself that I have not identified as bisexual due to some urge to fit in, or attract men etc but because I actually love being sexually active with women.
On an similar note, my relationship with Violin was put to a little test this weekend. We failed at first but communication came in to save the day.
I had to rush back home after hearing that my father was dying. Two days later he died. As previously I decided to fight the bad with some good. I went to visit the German who cancelled his plans for me. We went out in the snow and had a beautiful start to a Saturday evening. I then felt confident enough to have Violin join us who just finished her shift. We spontaneously picked her up. We all had some dinner and talked for a while until I was overcome with intense sadness. I felt the need to be alone, or just with the German since I didn’t know how to share myself with her. She herself was in a bad place. Due to us only meeting a few times beforehand, sharing our deeper emotions is still out of our comfortzone.
Struggling with what to feel and how to behave about my recent loss, Violin’s suffering passed unnoticed. We both gave all power to the German, asking him to take decisions mentioning how numb we both felt.
The German tried to convince us to chat some more hoping we could support each other. This failed and finally I wanted to bail. I wanted her to leave as I felt like I had to be something other than just myself. I crumbled under these thoughts and the exhaustion of the recent events. She offered to leave. I asked if she could. She ran off not letting the German drive her home. I assure him he should go after her. Three hours later he came back. I had regretted sending him, I had cried and I struggled to not lose control over myself. I did not want to be alone but I also did not want her to be unhappy. I also did not want to hurt myself in his home. This would have resolved in huge amounts of guilt.
When he returned I was upset. I don’t remember exactly what happened. We decided to sleep. I cried. There was some comfort but more when we woke back up.
The German was overwhelmed with whom to help and what to do. That evening he raised the desire to talk to both of us. We did. Major thing we discovered was how necessary it is to communicate your needs. Once we had all stated what we needed, we started to try and find a way of getting all the needs met.
Violins needs and mine clashed. I reanalysed how I felt about it and decided I was ok with putting hers ahead of mine. Firstly it was easier logistically and secondly I was sure I was going to get them met sooner or later.
We spent the evening and night together. Monday morning the German went off to work and Violin and I spent the day together. We built a Snowman.
In the club we went to later that evening something changed inside me. I was holding the German, crying with “My father is dead” being the only thing I could think of. Then I wanted to be held by Violin. I wanted to show her my pain. I wanted to include her. Looking back this was a big step for me. I believe it strengthened our relationship and maybe gave her more comfort about the thought of sharing herself with me one day.
A few days later a couple of messages were exchanged, again confirming that we were on the same page. Violin and I are on a way to a strong bond. It will take a long time for it to be as close as the ones we each have with the German but the love we share with him and each other spawns more love to be given and to be received.
Three is my favourite number. I have various reasons why.
This situation is developing into a triad with great potential. A strong triangle where when one is currently not able, the second can look after the third. A strong triangle where four arms are there to catch you rather than two. A strong triangle where each side is equal and necessary. A strong triangle of support and love.
Love and Be Loved,