Mono to Poly

Mono? No, thank you.

Not only not for myself, but also in choice of partners. A mono partner who needs to get used to a poly partner, is from my experience, close to hell.

The Goth can be classified as mono. Although I don’t think he identifies himself as either really. He is just who he is, and does not care for labels. But for all intents and purposes of this subject, he is monogamous. He does not date anyone except me.

As you know by now I am polyamorous and not only lead two relationships (as in boyfriend, girlfriend terms, if you want labels) but I also cherish lots of other forms of dating. My social life is a combination of all different types of love and affection.

With the Goth, our relationship almost fell apart due to my New Relationship Energy with the German. When we sat down and discussed things he said that his way of dealing with it was to emotionally distance himself with it. We finally decided we did not wish to break up and make a conscious effort of valuing each other more and spending actual time together, not just next to each other.

I recently went through similar things. I was heavily disregarded due to someone else’s New Relationship Energy. This combined with mourning the death of my father has now left me with a general daily frustration and want to hide.

New Relationship Energy is usually tough to deal with, especially when not used to it, one can easily forget ones responsibilities towards other people one might be involved with.

It also surges new emotions of fear of loss and jealousy. It did so in my case. When dealing with these emotions I find it easiest to state them clearly and ask for help to chase them away. As soon as I see that there is no real foundation for them, they usually disappear.

It takes courage to admit to mostly irrational thoughts of the jealousy kind, which is why most people avoid it. It shows weakness and since this is shunned upon in our culture, we tend to keep this part of our inner life safely hidden from the outside world. But as with most locked away or suppressed emotions, they have a tendency to have other repercussions.Some we may not be aware of, other might be uncontrollable outbursts.

For someone who is used to closed, monogamous relationships, being emotionally attached to someone who enjoys sharing heart, body and soul with many, can we tricky to get used to.

Then there is more. What do you share? Where are the limits? What can you talk about? Can you ask for advice from another partner? What is considered TMI?

The Goth is very open and loving about dealing with my other partners. He will comfort me and try to advise, or just plain listen to all my stories. This is a tremendous gift and increases my trust in him incredibly.

From my first experiences in the last year, passive as well as active, I can tell you, as you might have guessed, communication is key. Fear not, open up and see what happens. Chances are, all will be fine, maybe even wonderful.

Transitions are scary and relationships, mono or poly, are dynamic. The more pieces you add to the puzzle, the more dynamic the whole complex becomes. This is something one might not be ready for but has to embrace with open arms, hearts and minds.

For now, I wish you all the courage you can possible carry in your hearts. One can rarely have too much courage 😉

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

The Fear of getting hurt

I used to have trouble understanding why people were afraid of opening themselves. I could not see why one would hide and purposely exclude oneself from happiness just to avoid the possibility of pain. Why would you keep your distance, reject love and affection?! Why would you not want to feel all those beautiful things that can come from being intimate and close to someone?! What does it matter if you get hurt?! Is it not all worth it in the end?!

This was until I found myself at the most vulnerable point in my life so far. So vulnerable that I barely recognized myself. I was promised safety and comfort. I later had to find out that this was pretended safety. This person did not really want to give me what I needed. They had an agenda of their own and their selfishness took the better of them. I was hurt far beyond anything previously experienced.

But what does running help me? Loosing another person after suffering a loss which was beyond my control? Should I really retract myself, protect myself to the point of creating a loss?

Now a month later I am afraid. I fear that if I expose myself to a similar situation again, history will repeat itself. Far from having digested this pain, could I take another punch?

hiding1

 

 

 

 

 

I am so afraid. I am terrified. I don’t know what to do.

Now my brain asks me, is there still love though? Or enough of it? How can I find out if it is worth the risk if without taking it? I guess you just can’t. So wish me luck. However I need to make a choice. Will I go, try again and maybe get hurt? Or will I stay, turn around and leave, avoiding pain but walking away from love?

 

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange