Safety. Comfort. We all want a place like this. It is where we can be ourselves without judgement. A place where we needn’t fear. A place that feels like home.
Some of us have these places all around us. Some call it home, some call it their partner, or many of them. Some found it within themselves. Too many of us, are struggling to have just one.
Feeling emotionally safe is risky business. Trust, oh my, that is not easy to give. I believe that is because it takes time and investment to build up but someone can smash it with the slightest lack of care and it gets harder every time we survive such a hit. If only we could blame them because they did it on purpose, but only the fewest of us are actually malicious and wish to wipe out someone trusting us and hurting them.
It has been three months since my father passed away. The memories have not faded, nor has the pain. Not only the pain of losing my father, but also the destruction of my safe place.
I never thought I needed one. I always had one within myself and created my own home when and where I needed it. But this accident made me realise that I too sometimes needed a place to let go. Over Christmas I desperately tried to keep it all together until I cracked and all of me spilled over my bedroom floor. And then there was someone who helped me mop up the mess.
But as the mess got bigger and my father’s life came to an end, I realised I was abandoned by him. Instead of relieving the pain, it was increased by thoughtless gestures and selfish behaviour.
And after three months I find myself more scared and vulnerable of being close to people than ever before. I am yearning to find a place to let go. My scars tell me not to, they tell me to keep it together and perform the way my environment wants me to; otherwise there will be even greater loss.
I lost my father, I lost my mind, I lost a love I thought I deserved. What tells me now, what can convince me that I feel what I want to feel without my closest abandoning me? What happened due to the German scared me so much that I have issues trusting the Goth, and he out of all the people in my environment does not deserve this consequence of a consequence?
I am not very good at accepting other peoples help nor at communicating when I need help. I have been wondering if that is why I have not been able to establish my safe place with anyone. I guess I am a hypocrite for wanting people to take care of me but not letting them.
It all feels so confusing. I feel angry and hurt and everything but safe. I have been going through a range of things to find my stability again but nothing seems to help. However I have been able to identify (not very hard in this case) the major source of my pain. Soon, links will be severed and emotional heads will roll. And I will focus on rebuilding that emotional safety within myself so that I have a safe place to live and love from again.