So I recently decided it was time for some counselling. I was not really keen on waiting around for the NHS so I went for private. I found a great therapist via pinktherapy.com, who has experience in dealing with poly and kinky people. I was recommended a book and his advice seemed all like things I should already know and only had to apply.
Today I was supposed to go to Uni and I was supposed to go to swing dance class. I did neither of those things. Being in a room with a dozen strangers and the pressure to perform just felt completely off. Yesterday I got angry at the Goth and today I struggled with the guilt.
I seem to find so much duality inside my head. Did I overreact or not? Are my arguments rational and my expectations reasonable? Should I go and face my potential panic of being put under pressure?
My therapist gave me all the tools I should have to deal with this but today I was just drawing a blank. Why? Feeling so unbalanced I have to constantly work and focus to keep myself acting in the most constructive way. I can turn anger into hurt, depression into sadness, anxiety into concern but it is so exhausting to always take the high road. Seems like today I was unable to do so in any way.
It made me think some more about where I am at and how I ended up here. Simple: Your mental health is threatened as soon as you are confronted with a situation in which your usual modus operandi does not apply. The struggle to grow beyond what you are used to, to accept a new reality and to adapt can be the biggest challenge but also the biggest reward.
I used to relish in growing. Developing myself and increasing my awareness used to be fun. Today they weren’t. Today, and a lot over the last months I preferred to stick my head into the sand. I never thiught I could struggle so much with something that used to come to me so easily.
I wilk finish by saying, screw this. I can have a day off. People on diets get cheat days. Well I shall have some too. All this pressure is one of my issues so I will not let it ruin all my work so far. I can’t constantly grow. There is no sun during the night 😉
Mental health does not magically change over night. I was too excited that I had advanced that I thought I could not go bsck. Today felt like failure and taking a step backward but it wasn’t. It was a day off. As my little book says: I am a fallible human being. And today I felt.
Tomorrow is another day and we can then get up again and keep going. Keep your eyes on the goal and go at your own pace! It is our mind, nobody else’s. Since we are in control, we can all be sure that we choose the right path, pace and peace for ourselves.
It was time I reminded myself of that.
Love and Be Loved,