The Intellectual Benefits of Polyamory

Today I had a little epiphany. I found myself watching a pilot episode of a new US series which is build around a white middle aged heterosexual male, who “has it all”, as they say. He feels confined and bland, so he starts to break free of his job but then finds his wife cheating.

This is as far as I got before stopping to write this post. From the description, this revelation does not end in divorce and the story focusses on the couple trying to find a way of dealing with the mundanity of everyday life in the white upper class in the US. Now, while watching this all sorts of words came to mind: white privilege, white heterosexual male etc.

I realised that 5 years ago I wouldn’t have thought about it that way. Since I moved to London I have learned a lot, especially about themes such as feminism, gender equality, genderqueer, ethical non-monogamy, and general politics. Being in a metropolitan city has broadened my horizons and needless to say, I never want to go back to what I would now consider ignorant. I know this sounds judgemental, I mean it about how I see myself back before I moved away from home. I do not mean that people who don’t live in cities with millions of people in it are ignorant.

Now I have thought some about it and most of this knowledge has come to me via my numerous poly friends, lovers and partners. Polyamory, of course has a lot of benefits, but for me personally, I have found a source of unlimited knowledge within the diversity of people around me. Many people are within the same circles and feel strongly about the same things, again feminism, gender equality etc.

Spending time with The Bohemian adds very different characteristics to discussions, as he is more judgemental and cynical, more the way I am, less than many others I know.

Having very different friends can also have this benefit but I feel with the basis of polyamory, the way I gain this knowledge is more personal. The nature of my poly lifestyle brings me to many events filled with beautiful and fascinating people, but it also gives me many very intimate moments, primarily on dates, where I can exchange myself with someone else on a deep and personal level. These are the moments where I not only connect with someone intellectually but I get to embrace their entire personality, their opinions, views but also passions and motivations.

I find polyamory to be a wonderful source of many benefits, and until now I was focused on the emotional ones. I am very happy to also have discovered how it has helped me grow in other areas!

Love and Be Loved,


What Happens after the First Step – More Dating

So last time I wrote about take the initiative and asking out people I fancied, as well as people I was intimidated by. Today I want to tell you what happened after that.

After breaking the ice, I had a few dates arranged. The Bohemian (my Booty Call) and I are now seeing each other at least once a week. We have also told each other that we like each other and he is very clear about his feelings, especially when he won’t get to see me for a week or so. He seems to like telling me that he misses me, which I find very sweet. But more than that it makes me feel appreciated. Missing people has always been a weird one, more about that in another post.

Then there was someone else, someone really hot, that I just find fascinating. (This is now slipping into my direct social circle, so I will be careful how to express myself) We had arranged an afternoon date, which happened to be the day after an event which was based on these social circles. We met there, and shared a couple of alcohol infused kisses, which was most lovely. I had high hopes for the day after.

We had lunch in a pub, shared a few more kisses, and some actually quite personal facts and stories (I always appreciate it when someone is as open as me). Unfortunately he had to leave and do some work. Now this could be because the date wasn’t going too well, this is what my brain said. Or the far more likely effects of the partying the day before and the need to be a responsible adult, which is what I convinced my brain to say.

I will see him again soon, and I am certain that there is no reason for concern but I was disappointed our date ended so quickly. There will be many occasions to see him again, and if the chemistry is actually not right, it will be absolutely fine.

To be really honest here, it had me self conscious. Why does a date that has been cut short, scratch at my confidence? It ended in a lovely kiss, so why was I doubting myself? Why was I worried about there being a lack of chemistry, or him not fancying me? Silly really, but I guess it ties in with how attractive I think he is, and thus I had high hopes when he agreed to meet up with me. It took me some courage to get out there and make the first move, which has obviously left me more vulnerable than usual. Still it was a lovely afternoon with a lovely man and only time will tell how this connection can develop. And really, how bad would it be if it doesn’t go much further? It certainly shouldn’t make me feel self conscious.

Especially not given what happened recently. Someone who is aware of my blog has send me a very honest message. He asked me out. But not just that, he mentioned he found me intimidating but was also attracted to me and would like to have sex with me. Now that, is a direct approach. It’s funny how I can be very intimidating 😉 I get the feeling I have that affect on more people than admit it, so it means a lot to be when someone is this honest with me. It means even more to me when I have been thinking about sleeping with this person, and I really admire them for various reasons.

So there was something to make me doubt me, and then something to make me feel good about myself. But the thing I find important here, is the same as the last post actually: it all came from taking the risks, it all came from approaching people, it all came from putting myself out there!

And even if these connections, even if these people, or these dates, don’t go exactly the way I was hoping for, it was worth the effort and I am filled with more confidence to keep doing it!

Asking someone out – the all important first step

I used drinking last year as one of my methods to cope with my father’s death, and it ended up causing some social damage, most of which I have been able to repair. When I stopped drinking for a month last October, I realised how reliant my social interactions were on alcohol. I used to go out, have a few and then I wouldn’t think about flirting anymore I would just do it. I would not feel nervous about being intimate with someone and I would be braver about approaches people I fancied.

Currently I do still drink, but a lot less heavily. I go out, and ofter drive to these events, and soon after I find myself under social pressure. I feel like I don’t know how to talk to people anymore or what about and What am I doing here anyway, when I can be at home safe with The Goth? Most of the time, I would still go out and have a good time, I just found it difficult to meet new people and especially to flirt with new people. This is how I have found myself stuck in the world of OKCupid for the last 6 months.

I did however meet a few people I really wanted to go on a date with and meet in a more intimate, one on one setting. For weeks I would meet one of them at an event and then never had the guts to even really flirt. Our conversations were just friendly and I felt that I failed to show my interest in them.

The final thing was that I was looking for someone at an event to ask them out only to realise they had left, and I had sworn to myself I was going to ask him out that night. So I decided, if I can’t seem to do it in person I will use text form and wrote him a few messages online afterwards and eventually asked him out. His response wasn’t too positive so I will leave it hanging in the air for now.

This had left me with rejection but soon after it became clear that I just had to take the risk again and again, otherwise I was never going to know if any of these lovely men wanted to potentially date me. Factor in that for various reasons that I admired these three men that I am talking about here, and admiration usually makes me feel inferior thus I tend to be reluctant to approach, as I feel like I have nothing to offer. So this week I took another plunge and again in text form approached man number 2. He responded with enthusiasm, informed me he was busy this week but how about the next. Result: We arranged a date then and there, with the added bonus that this beautiful man is free during the day, just like me, so maybe we will arrange and afternoon date, which I do prefer as it leaves more options on how to continue if the date goes well.

Man number 3 I haven’t asked out yet. I have taken up contact online and am awaiting a response before I tell him that I find him attractive and would like to have him over for dinner and then maybe some. I feel this man would appreciate a very direct approach. As you might have guesses, I really have no issues with Sex on the first date.

So we shall see how these dates go, but I think being proactive is the way to go here. My risks seem to pay off more or less. I am also sure that my anxiety will fade once I learn how to flirt sober. If I don’t try, nothing will change, right? That is what worked for my grieving process last year, my worries about The Goth starting dating after my experiences with The German, and my shoulder and arm body muscles after getting some dumbells!

Love and Be Loved,