Living with the Primary

Since about 6 months, the Goth and I have been living together, just the two of us. Until now we have, with the exception of a month or two, always shared with other housemates.

I was always under the impression that moving in with a partner was such a huge step but I realise now that this idea has mainly been portrayed by the media concerning people who have never shared their living space before, in which case moving in with a partner can be very intense. Everyone in this situation worries about what happens if there is a big fight, if you get sick of each other in such a small space, or if you break up; because moving house sucks and so does sleeping on the couch (if you have one).

But on the other hand, living together is no piece of cake either. It requires a lot of sacrifices and compromises. I find it also needs understanding of each other. I am still baffled by how the Goth can simply not realise that there is an empty bottle or a dirty dish or a wrapper lying around that could be taken to the kitchen, the bin, the recycling. The main thing I have realised is how very different the Goths mind operates to mine. Living together, just the two of us has helped me understand him more which results in being able to respond to him better and communicating more effectively about chores, as well as emotions.

However, given the dynamics of our polyamorous relationship, we do also limit each others dating possibilities by sharing a living space. Understandably, the Goth does not want me to engage in intimate activities with other partners when he is in the flat and I feel the same. Thus we discuss schedule, dates, sleep overs etc in advance to make sure each others boundaries are respected, as well as the needs of our other partners. Given that the first interaction for our schedule is focused on the two of us, I use the word primary to describe him to others. This is something I do like to explain, as I do not wish to rank my partners, as well as I do not wish to be ranked. My priorities for the Goth are primarily logistic, hence the title of this post.

All in all for our relationship it has been very constructive for our general stability and the understanding of each other, which is what has lead me to reflect on this topic.

Love and Be Loved,


A new era – changes and champagne

A few weeks ago I submitted my final masters dissertation. Since then I have been drinking heavily and trying to relax as much as possible. So far I have had a great time with all my lovely friends and family. This weekend is my graduation and my family is in town. There will be lots of yummy fancy food and drink.

But after the celebration what is there? How can I know what kind of career I will have? Where my life will go? The only thing I know there will be is change. From now on nothing is fixed. All options open. This also means, no constant anymore. The only remaining thing that I know for sure is my lovely Goth.

The consequences of this is that I feel vulnerable. I do truly feel lost. I do also feel hopeful, at least sometimes, a little. I know everything will be fine but all of this unknowing it difficult to deal with. Still there are a few certainties on the horizon to keep me grounded.

And then there are the lovely things to cheer me up. The man I wanted to ask out for quite some time actually made a move and literally asked me out on a date in person, which made my night that day. A dear person I hadn’t seen in a long time came around.

Even if there are bad things, the good need to be recognised as well. Or maybe I was just lucky that in all of my confusion some lovely people reached out to me and made me feel a little more confident. Either way, there is light in the darkness of confusion. And for this weekend there is mainly Champagne!

Love and Be Loved,