Losing a Friend

I have many reasons for writing about this, but the one I feel fits this best, is because it will help me clear my head. Or at least I hope so.

I do not like writing about negative things without much of a hopeful outlook. I do not think this topic will much revolve around hope. I am just stating this first.

Since starting my blog, I have lost the German, my Father, my Grandmother and a Friend. The one that seems to stick the most is the latter. The German, I really loved and I needed to get away, so I hated him to gain distance and now I can look at things more positively as well as appreciate all the good things that came from his presence in my life. My Father was going to suffer even more and death came as a release. My Grandmother had the chance to say Goodbye to her loved once, and vice versa, she was in not too much pain and she was released quickly.

Now to my friend. He just changed. To the point where we are no longer compatible. There was an event that kicked things off, and at first I needed distance but because I missed him, I tried to reach out to him a few times, without success. I don’t find it important to say what exactly happened. What I can’t wrap my head around is how to deal with this. I have lost friends before because I did stupid respectless things. I have hurt many friends because of stupid respectless things and I was lucky to be forgiven and to still enjoy their presence.

When I hurt people I care about, especially because I was careless, I tend to want to make things up to them as quickly and as best as possible. I hate feeling guilty because I have wronged people. However, this is also triggered when I get accused of having done things, I can’t be certain I did, for example if I was not aware of them. Because I know, I often don’t catch signals and boundaries, I can be very paranoid about being out of line. So if someone close to me is upset, I feel small and stupid and beg for forgiveness because I believe their accusations of me without questioning them. Having this reaction makes it sometimes difficult to stand up for myself, when I am innocent.

My friend did something stupid and so did I, more precisely it comes down to bad communication, and really a tiny thing that over time festered and got blown out of proportion by nit picking and over analysing. By the end, I just wanted things to stop and kept apologising. I finally gave up because The Goth pointed out that it seemed there was was no improvement coming from his side. I was still questioning myself and my communication with him and The Goth made it clear to me that there was nothing I could do. I had to let it go.

This has now been over a month ago, and I still can’t let it go. I find myself wanting to write something, to try to get through to him. No, don’t do that, ever. Because as many now have pointed out, there is no point. I have to find a way of remembering the good times we shared and accepting that we have both changed. There may be a future where change makes it possible for us to respect each other again but for now, do the thing where you let it go. (Kind of talking to myself now)

The scariest part of this all is how quickly and how drastically my friend changed. In February there was a discussion we had where he already displayed some extreme views, which I didn’t understand. That was the last time we had a proper chat about anything. I wish I could see inside his brain to see what is going on, and if there was anything I could do to fix anything. Here, I just have to take a step back and leave it be. As with all the other break ups, losses etc, I hope to eventually reach the point where I can love the happy memories again and appreciate him for all the good he brought to my life once.

Love and Be Loved


P.S. Definitely cathartic.

My defence – a good offence

In the days after my last post, the visibility of people like Julian Blanc and Dapper Laughs was quite huge on the internet. The more I read about Pick up Artists etc, the more I think about what the best defence against people like this is. How could I avoid being the target and potentially becoming the victim of such a predator? But most importantly, I have never felt, even after a one night stand, that someone used me, to put it like that.

It didn’t take me that long to figure out why, for me, this was the case. It is probably a similar answer to the question, why do I get never hit on? (the media likes to portray it such that ‘hot’ women get hit on all the time in bars etc, not for me and presumably this is rarer anyway) Due to the message given to me that I should never let a man take advantage to me, I reject most advances from men.

Just after my last post, when I was walking back home, I realised some guy was staring at my ass as I crossed the street and he looked like he was about to say something. I walked on thinking something along the lines of “Keep staring, it’s not like you are ever going to get a piece of me”. In my mind, the look of that person was immediately rejected. The fact that I became a target of his desire, made him unattractive and despicable to me. I disliked his look of lust and it is the same with strangers who try and give me complements etc.

It seems that over the years I have made my defence an offence. As the saying goes, the best defence is a good offence. My way to protect myself from superficial men who just want to ‘score’ is to be active. I tend to not wait for someone to come and talk to me, if I see someone I like, I go and find out if they maybe like me too. This is why I like to describe myself as a predator. To avoid predators, I have become one myself.

It is easier for me to dismiss others advances towards me, because I don’t wait for them. I make advances myself. I guess this can make me an aggressive, promiscuous something or other but it really is just what I have developed to make myself comfortable. I do not mean to reduce everyone who approaches me to these stereotypes. It does sadden me that I need to have a defence up 90% of the time when I am out in public. It is very possible that I end up flirting with someone who has exactly the intentions I was hoping to avoid but then again, I don’t think I can ever be sure of those intentions when meeting someone. Those are the risks of dating. I don’t think one is really ever safe, this thought has been drilled into my head since I was young and I do prefer to be on my guard to prevent the worst. Good Luck.

Love and Be Loved,


PUA and the like – personal reflections and experiences

Recently I came across another article of a “pick up artist”, this time in the Guardian about Julian Blanc, who in this article was stating that when in Tokyo, as a white male “you can do what you want” and demonstrating this with footage of him grabbing a woman’s head to pull her to his crotch.

While reading this article, I was again able to appreciate how happy and lucky I feel to be able to date in a community where consent is written in huge bold printed letters. I would feel really uncomfortable going to normal “mainstream” bars to meet men to date. Seeing the popularity of all these pick up artists and experts in “female attraction”, the masses of followers they have gained basing their business on male entitlement, scares me to the point where I don’t want to trust men which I haven’t met within certain communities anymore.

I remember when I was growing up, that the message about getting involved with the other sex was considered risky. If I was to sleep with a man, I would make myself vulnerable and could run the risk of having been used. If I was to let someone penetrate me, then they got what they wanted. I would give and they would take. Don’t you just love that idea? This is another reason why I am proud to call myself a slut and own the word.

Having been in London for 5 years, I have started to feel safe in my social circle, maybe I have even let my guard down because I don’t really expect it anymore that someone would want to take advantage of me sexually. So these articles, and the fact that an ex – friend whose opinions I once trusted, had a rather memorable rant at me once about how much easier women have it because they can have sex whenever they want, make it clear to me again and again that there still are selfish predatory men out there who don’t care about the people they sleep with as long as they score.

Fortunately #notallmen and there are still respectful, lovely people in various communities but what is the best way of dealing with the ones who are not? It is not necessarily easy to tell them apart from other men. Are we supposed to just be self protecting all the time, or take the risk?

My mother taught me to be careful and telling me that certain outfits would attract certain attention which would make me a target. She told me to dress in such a manner that men wouldn’t feel provoked by my looks and would be able to keep it in their pants. Recently I talked to her about this and she still agrees with prevention is key on this subject, so I asked why she spent more time telling me not to dress “slutty” than she spent telling my brother not to rape women.

Luckily, Julian Blanc’s events are facing backlash and there are petitions to shut his current tour in Australia down. The venues now cancel his talks. Hopefully these kind of consequences will happen to others who make a business out of promoting sexual violence. Of course there is a lot more to be said on the subject of street harassment as well as violence and abuse towards women but I will leave it here focusing on how I am currently feeling on the subject and my experiences.

Love and Be Loved,