I have many reasons for writing about this, but the one I feel fits this best, is because it will help me clear my head. Or at least I hope so.
I do not like writing about negative things without much of a hopeful outlook. I do not think this topic will much revolve around hope. I am just stating this first.
Since starting my blog, I have lost the German, my Father, my Grandmother and a Friend. The one that seems to stick the most is the latter. The German, I really loved and I needed to get away, so I hated him to gain distance and now I can look at things more positively as well as appreciate all the good things that came from his presence in my life. My Father was going to suffer even more and death came as a release. My Grandmother had the chance to say Goodbye to her loved once, and vice versa, she was in not too much pain and she was released quickly.
Now to my friend. He just changed. To the point where we are no longer compatible. There was an event that kicked things off, and at first I needed distance but because I missed him, I tried to reach out to him a few times, without success. I don’t find it important to say what exactly happened. What I can’t wrap my head around is how to deal with this. I have lost friends before because I did stupid respectless things. I have hurt many friends because of stupid respectless things and I was lucky to be forgiven and to still enjoy their presence.
When I hurt people I care about, especially because I was careless, I tend to want to make things up to them as quickly and as best as possible. I hate feeling guilty because I have wronged people. However, this is also triggered when I get accused of having done things, I can’t be certain I did, for example if I was not aware of them. Because I know, I often don’t catch signals and boundaries, I can be very paranoid about being out of line. So if someone close to me is upset, I feel small and stupid and beg for forgiveness because I believe their accusations of me without questioning them. Having this reaction makes it sometimes difficult to stand up for myself, when I am innocent.
My friend did something stupid and so did I, more precisely it comes down to bad communication, and really a tiny thing that over time festered and got blown out of proportion by nit picking and over analysing. By the end, I just wanted things to stop and kept apologising. I finally gave up because The Goth pointed out that it seemed there was was no improvement coming from his side. I was still questioning myself and my communication with him and The Goth made it clear to me that there was nothing I could do. I had to let it go.
This has now been over a month ago, and I still can’t let it go. I find myself wanting to write something, to try to get through to him. No, don’t do that, ever. Because as many now have pointed out, there is no point. I have to find a way of remembering the good times we shared and accepting that we have both changed. There may be a future where change makes it possible for us to respect each other again but for now, do the thing where you let it go. (Kind of talking to myself now)
The scariest part of this all is how quickly and how drastically my friend changed. In February there was a discussion we had where he already displayed some extreme views, which I didn’t understand. That was the last time we had a proper chat about anything. I wish I could see inside his brain to see what is going on, and if there was anything I could do to fix anything. Here, I just have to take a step back and leave it be. As with all the other break ups, losses etc, I hope to eventually reach the point where I can love the happy memories again and appreciate him for all the good he brought to my life once.
Love and Be Loved
P.S. Definitely cathartic.