Recently life has been good. Recently life has been not so good. Professionally and privately things are actually really good. Other things out of my control, happening to other people are not so good. The problem is that these bad things are affecting me and I need to protect myself from them.
I am trying to deal with a close one, who is not like they used to be, who is not doing well. This person has made poor choices with unluckily bad consequences which have drained and exhausted their close ones including me. I am hurt. Sadly it was not anything malicious, just something silly that went badly wrong and now I am struggling to handle how it affects me and the others.
Same as a few years ago when a very close friend confused me with his aggression and demands which ended our friendship, I am now again not really knowing how to move on. I will never likely get a genuine apology, an explanation, a gesture that will help me find closure. I need to find my own way to resolve the situation in my own head and heart.
In both situations, I am notable to ask the question: Why? I want to know what went through their minds, or how they feel about what happened once the dust has settled. I worry about my performance as a friend and if I did all I could do. I question my loyalty. I see my self protection as selfishness. I judge myself. I worry about my friends and community judging me.I wonder what more I could have done. The answer is: nothing, without doing harm to myself. I decided to focus on helping those who have given their support. Strengthen the web of mutual help and support.
So many things are wonderful right now, but these unresolved emotions lurk in the back of my mind. I get reminded of what it used to be like to have those people in my life. Because I made so many ties to activities and things to these friends in my mind, the reminders are everywhere.
For you own protection, you sometimes need to cut the ties, although that takes time.
thepolyorange 