Heartbreak

Break ups don’t get easier. I have gone through many. Some hurt more than others. In this case, a partner of 5 months broke up with me. I was so happy, and so in love with him that he officially became a partner, instead of a boyfriend, quite quickly.

Two weeks ago, we were watching a film, and I spoiled a couple of things, and because he was a bit annoyed about it, I went internal for a bit to process and to calm myself to not spoil any more things. It felt like a good thing to do to sit back for a bit. My phone opened on an article I had left there for later reading. So I read it. It was an everdayfeminism.com article on women’s emotional labour (http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/06/emotional-labor-womens-lives/). As I read it I started crying. It resonated with me so strongly. He leaned over to check in and I requested that we keep watching the film but he insisted on talking to me. And it got a bit muddled and I said that I didn’t think he could relate to this. The next thing I know he has left my house without an explanation.

I wrote him to ask what was going on. He asked me to leave him alone but in my confusion I pushed. He then responded saying we were done. After two weeks of silence, he has confirmed that this is the case and he actually meant his last message to me. He also said he probably doesn’t want to talk about this as he doesn’t see the point.

I feel like I am 15 again. Blaming myself, asking myself what I did wrong. Wondering if or when I could contact him. What the best thing to do was. In the end, his message indicated that there was no right thing to do. He had made up his mind. I love him dearly still and feel like I would beg on my knees to have him back.

But I am 27, and I know that I am not the defining factor here, there are two of us and we both hurt each other. Yes, I made a mistake but I have now apologised. I wanted to talk so I could explain and apologise but he does not want this.  He doesn’t want to talk. I don’t get to know what went on inside his head, he doesn’t want to know what I thought or felt. I could learn a lot from knowing what he felt. I like growing after all. So I will grow by finding my own way of stopping the blaming questions in my head, the regret that forms a lump in my throat and the pain that’s twisting my heart.

 

Luckily enough so many wonderful people and partners are out there, who lovingly support me through this. I can only hope it will be another 5 years before I get dumped like this again.

Female Friendship

Growing up I never had many girlfriends, like friends who are girls. I had one which was my neighbour until I moved out of that area of town in primary school and then another one, who is still a friend for now almost 15 years.

But for a long period, especially as a teenager and in my early 20’s, I was convinced that I didn’t like other women. I wasn’t girly and didn’t like fashion or whatever else girls typically talk about. Because it is that simple, and women are that one dimensional, right?

Over the last couple of years I have gained many more girlfriends. I not only enjoy the company of women but I actively seek it. We have so much to share, and I don’t mean make up tips (although that is another great thing about having women as friends), I mean life experiences, how we perceive and are perceived by society, how we handle the dating world, how we deal with men, how we see and deal with our bodies, like stuff about sex, food, clothes, drag queens, Ghostbusters (now with female leads) and periods!

I am so excited to be able to talk about these things not only openly (I did that anyway before) but to people who can contribute, engage, challenge and enrich these discussions.

Now as to why I never used to like women – patriarchy! Well it is my main suspicion. I always wanted to be one of the boys, because girls were stupid. Femininity is silly. I also wanted to be attractive to men, and be admired by them, and be on their good side because that makes life easier. I was so obsessed with appealing to men that I never learned the beauty of female friendship, because as much as I would love to, men just don’t understand many of the things women experience (and vice versa).

Well now, and mostly thanks to my increasing awareness of society’s stereotypes, internalised misogyny and well feminism stuff in general, I care less about the approval of men and more about my own being as a woman in our society. I also delight in being in a mutually supportive environment with people who care and understand the things I care about. I love my angry feminist friends, the queer, vegan, femme, crazy, kinky, poly, loving, caring, creative, supportive, wonderful and amazing women in my life! (insert more labels and adjectives that fit)

And I love that we openly talk about periods, even around men, and that is totally cool and amazing. Feels like such a small thing but it is quite groundbreaking to me!