Tales from the Festival

I have just returned from a trip back home, which included visiting family, a festival in Germany and an evening back in the town where the German lives.

Home was a mixture of sad and lovely. It was great to spend some more time with my mother, but at the same time I was really busy taking care of lots of business and car related things. The toughest thing was seeing my Granddad a month after my Grandmother passed away. They were married for 67 years. He now has so much to adapt to and I hope he will be alright. I also hope my mother will be alright.

Thursday to Monday I was at a festival although the actual gigs were only on the weekend. It was just wonderful. In the months leading up to the event I went through various stages of fear and anger because I knew the German would most likely be there and I hadn’t seen him in a year.


About 6 months ago I was quite content with my “getting over” him, and how things had ended, but as I received some information about his behaviour, my feelings about him changed from acceptance that he just didn’t feel the same about me as I felt about him, to him just being quite a selfish inconsiderate person who can hurt people a lot, and I mean A LOT.


When it came to making the decision about going I was wondering if it would be a good idea. I knew the Goth couldn’t attend this year as he had chosen different festivals. I was worried I might over react at the sight of him, because the thought of him no longer just didn’t matter or made me sad, no, now it made me angry, very angry. In the end I decided to go, and luckily enough two of my wonderful friends came along.

The weekend went really well. My liver got a strong work out, so did my feet. I had great food and drinks. And the best of all, I had tremendously amazing, even if a little alcohol infused, bonding moments with multiple great people.

I came away from the weekend more confident about my own stability as well as the security of my social life. The support of my friends made me able to believe in my own emotional strength and development. I am incredibly grateful for this incredible love in my life and I can only hope that I can give the same to my dear, dear friends.

I thank everyone who supported me, especially in the last 18 months, which have been the toughest of my life. I wouldn’t have this beautiful a life without all those wonderful people.


Love and Be Loved,



P.S. Sorry for the long silence, my Masters has kept me very busy, however I plan on buffing my blog up more in the coming months and posting regularly about my life and what I, hopefully, learn living it.



Three is a crowd, or is it?


Well my first sexual threesome was a huge mess. I guess one should not climb into bed with an ex and a current partner when drunk.

But since this happened I have had a few experiences with being in constellations of three of very different kinds.

My sexual threesomes have become much more balanced and enjoyable. As with most things, each time is different but I love finding myself in situations with new dynamics. I had a threesome not to long ago with an ex lover of mine and his girlfriend who have been in a monogamous relationship for a year. I showed a primary interest in the girl since I did not wish to make her feel jealous in any way. I interacted less with the boy which was fine.

I realise now that I am very comfortable sleeping with a woman, regardless whether or not there is a man involved. I guess I can confirm to myself that I have not identified as bisexual due to some urge to fit in, or attract men etc but because I actually love being sexually active with women.

On an similar note, my relationship with Violin was put to a little test this weekend. We failed at first but communication came in to save the day.

I had to rush back home after hearing that my father was dying. Two days later he died. As previously I decided to fight the bad with some good. I went to visit the German who cancelled his plans for me. We went out in the snow and had a beautiful start to a Saturday evening. I then felt confident enough to have Violin join us who just finished her shift. We spontaneously picked her up. We all had some dinner and talked for a while until I was overcome with intense sadness. I felt the need to be alone, or just with the German since I didn’t know how to share myself with her. She herself was in a bad place. Due to us only meeting a few times beforehand, sharing our deeper emotions is still out of our comfortzone.

Struggling with what to feel and how to behave about my recent loss, Violin’s suffering passed unnoticed. We both gave all power to the German, asking him to take decisions mentioning how numb we both felt.

The German tried to convince us to chat some more hoping we could support each other. This failed and finally I wanted to bail. I wanted her to leave as I felt like I had to be something other than just myself. I crumbled under these thoughts and the exhaustion of the recent events. She offered to leave. I asked if she could. She ran off not letting the German drive her home. I assure him he should go after her. Three hours later he came back. I had regretted sending him, I had cried and I struggled to not lose control over myself. I did not want to be alone but I also did not want her to be unhappy. I also did not want to hurt myself in his home. This would have resolved in huge amounts of guilt.



When he returned I was upset. I don’t remember exactly what happened. We decided to sleep. I cried. There was some comfort but more when we woke back up.

The German was overwhelmed with whom to help and what to do. That evening he raised the desire to talk to both of us. We did. Major thing we discovered was how necessary it is to communicate your needs. Once we had all stated what we needed, we started to try and find a way of getting all the needs met.

Violins needs and mine clashed. I reanalysed how I felt about it and decided I was ok with putting hers ahead of mine. Firstly it was easier logistically and secondly  I was sure I was going to get them met sooner or later.

We spent the evening and night together. Monday morning the German went off to work and Violin and I spent the day together. We built a Snowman.

In the club we went to later that evening something changed inside me. I was holding the German, crying with “My father is dead” being the only thing I could think of. Then I wanted to be held by Violin. I wanted to show her my pain. I wanted to include her. Looking back this was a big step for me. I believe it strengthened our relationship and maybe gave her more comfort about the thought of sharing herself with me one day.

A few days later a couple of messages were exchanged, again confirming that we were on the same page. Violin and I are on a way to a strong bond. It will take a long time for it to be as close as the ones we each have with the German but the love we share with him and each other spawns more love to be given and to be received.

Three is my favourite number. I have various reasons why.

This situation is developing into a triad with great potential. A strong triangle where when one is currently not able, the second can look after the third. A strong triangle where four arms are there to catch you rather than two. A strong triangle where each side is equal and necessary. A strong triangle of support and love.

Love and Be Loved,


My Lover’s new Lover

The same weekend that my dad got hit by a car the German confessed that he had met a girl which he had fallen for.

I was exquisitely exited but when he elaborated my feelings changed quickly.

He told me that she was a few years younger, had just moved to town and started studying and was currently living with her monogamous boyfriend.

Well that didn’t sound good. During his stay in London the German did spent some moments chatting via facebook with her. This did upset me at some moments because he was doing so while I was driving him to a museum he wanted to go see. I was already scared of being replaced by a younger model.

This is the first time I have ever experienced someone I love falling for someone else. In my head she was perfect and definitely at least three sizes smaller than me.

The week after New Year’s the German basically dropped off the face of the planet. Then he was over an hour later for our skype date and I freaked.

I felt unappreciated and unimportant. Replaceable.

Following a tough weekend of discussing with the German via facebook, text and skype, he agreed to show me more support, which I currently need a lot due to my emotions concerning my father’s accident.

Last weekend I made a rather impulsive trip back home. Since I was so unfocused at Uni that I was sent home by my tutor, I decided I needed to find a way of digesting my feelings. The only solution I found was visiting my dad in the hospital. I also found a way of smoothing this task by including lots of loving in my weekend.

The German and I invited Violin (as I shall henceforth name her) over.

I was nervous and scared. In general it had been an emotionally tense day. I was afraid she was going to be insanely hot. When she came into the flat this perfect image inside my head vanished. She is hot but visibly younger than me. She is also taller than me. She is skinny.

But once we got talking none of this mattered anymore. I completely saw why this man I love has fallen for this girl.

The next day we added each other on facebook and exchanged messages all day. We all went out dancing the same evening and had an awesome time. Violin dragged me onto the dancefloor and later on during the night when she did the same again I kissed her.

You should have seen the German’s face. He told me later on at home that this might just go down as the best night ever.

We have also recently exchanged a few more messages exploring where this constellation might go etc.

In general the situation seems to be going very well except for the fact that since they opened their relationship up around Christmas, Violin has been very intensely thinking about breaking up with her boyfriend. And this weekend I believe she did.

It looks like there are tough times ahead for her. I have been in her situation and know how emotionally straining these things can be.

I still find myself fearing that I might lose the German to her. I fear that I have  a status to loose. I also fear that I might stand in the way of their happiness in any shape or form.

Lots of these feelings surge every now and then. I generally pay little attention to them. I only need to remind myself how the German smiles at me and I am absolutely convinced that he loves me. Plus he is so lovely to sometimes say so himself and write me very uplifting little messages.

Being able to see why someone you love loves someone else is an incredible feeling. Being able to love someone you love loves seems to be even better.

I have been thinking a lot about being in a triad and just seeing the German and the Goth get along so well over New Year’s made me really happy. I can only hope that for the German this will be an equally happy experience.

For now it looks like everyone involved is happy deepening our connection so we shall see where it goes.

Love and Be Loved,


Those three words

We all know those three words. For some they are a way to connect, for others a way to ensure a bond and for other they are the three words of doom.

Saying ‘I love you’ for the first time is always risky. The one to say it first has to step up to the fact that the other one might not react well. They might say it themselves, they might not or worst of all it might push them away.

I have encountered people that plain simply refuse to say those words because who they are most comfortable being, the person they want to be, does not get emotionally attached. I assume most of the time that this is a defense mechanism created from pain felt in the past. There might be different reasons but either way I think one should not deny ones feelings, ever. But denial can be a more comfortable zone than reality, unfortunately.

The three words used to escape me very fast. I was not able to handle NRE (New Relationship Energy) all that well and got carried away by hormones easily.

By now I spent a lot more time reflecting my own emotions and become more precise about expressing them, in timing and phrasing.

Still I tend to utter those words first. I don’t remember when I first spoke them to the German. We discussed the three words, literally, so using those exact words and so eventually 3 took on a new meaning. I believe it was on the day we knew each other for 5 months that I said it when we were out dancing. I might be wrong. Anyway, until this day I tend to say it more often. However the change he has gone through is quite extraordinary.

The German has achieved and conquered emotional things he was dealing with and I am insanely proud of him. He confided in me and I tried to support him as good as I could and he seems to radiate with happiness these days. I feel thoroughly loved, supported and cared for at the moment.

It makes me very happy that he freely expresses his feelings to me which is something not everyone can do.

But back to my topic. Being in love is risky, like I mentioned before. Saying it out loud even more. This adds the risk of overuse. Will it lose it’s intensity or meaning if ‘I love you’ is repeated too many times and said in “trivial” ways?

The Goth and I use them plenty. At least once a day, often to terminate a phone call. The German and I still use them sparingly and in moments where, for me, they are felt deeply.

I do remember when I first said it to the Goth, and he thought it was weird. It was just before we had sex, sober and intensely for the first time. I didn’t want to say it afterwards, aware of how cuddly and emotional good sex can make me. I guess I am a little weird sometimes.

The three words, those exact ones. I find the english language very limiting. In German and my mother tongue, there are various ways of expressing it, often changing the tone and intensity. I love a lot of people in my life but saying ‘I love you’ seems to not have the right connotation. My Guardian knows that our love has a different feel to it than typical couple love. We are not in a relationship, do however have a deep bond that is important an cherished by both.

Blade as well. I care about him deeply. I believe he knows (by now he does, since he is probably reading this at some point). It would not occur to say those words though to him. He is another one of those people who is very careful about expressing emotions however I see him as in unity with his feelings and selfaware.

My life entails so many different relationships. Recently in a poly chat, I explained my situation and someone said that my other fuckbuddies, lovers etc were not part of being poly. Well why the hell not? Being poly is a mindset for me, not defined by how many people I have a relationship with. I do not define being poly by my boyfriends. I do not define love by ‘I love you’.

I feel love. I live love. And I hope the people I love know that. If not, ask me!

Love and Be Loved,


External Influences

A few interesting things happenend over the last 48h and I just now I realised I can summarize them as External influences.

For some “unknown” reason, I have always reacted strongly to my closest friends and families opinion about my partners. The core of my relationships (friends and family and partners) is one of my main focuses and sources of comfort and support. Naturally when someone new enters the equation I get nervous about how all the elements evolved will relate.

Usually those things have gone pretty smoothly. If not there has been some issues, especially concerning my parental Unit. And having to just see your partner outside or at your friends house puts a strain on a young relationship.

Fortunately this man turned out to be not worth the time and effort I put in, but one is always smarter in the end.

I am fairly nervous about Christmas this year. The German finally gets to see my world. Until now, we have only spent time together in Germany, and now he will meet, family friends and my London based entourage all withhin 10 days. It will be a strong test to our relationship to spent that much time under that much stress to together.

I doubt any of my core will clash.

However, very recently, as in last night, I was told something that rather upset me. My lover Blade from back home and I have been discussing our next meet up. Him and his lover Fantasy have asked me if I wanted to go to this Kinky Party in Germany around Christmas. It is where I met the German, and except for him there was not much of a good party… I gave my opinion on the event and as confirmed this weekend, that the German and I would not want to go there again.

I mentioned that the German and I will most likely go to the Swinger Club that Blade and Fantasy introduced me to a few months back. Of course the topic of them joining us arose. Blade was impressed with my ease to make new friends and asked me to support him with such connections if we were to go together again. However he mentioned that Fantasy had her doubts about joining us due to the way the German and I usually are intimate. Penetrative Sex not being a certainty made her unsure.

A few months back, I would have totally understood that. It is only thanks to the German that I am perfectly happy exploring bodies and sexuality without intercourse.

Back to the story at hand. After I said that we wouldn’t have to have just sex with each other, Blade mentioned that usually that is the case. So how am I going to show him my friendmaking skills?! Also there are always a few interesting single men among the “wanky” men around who one could include, or just plainly another couple. Furthermore there was the first evening I met Fantasy where both her and I shared Blade.

I’m trying to not get worked up over this, especially since I did not talk to her personally. However still in the process of adapting to the German’s sexuality, it hurts deeply that frustration arises now from an external source, influencing me and restricting my hopeful plans for my Christmas Break.

Slightly clueless about this, and aware that this can seem like passive aggressiveness (Blade reads my blog usually) I will work on reestablishing my inner balance as I do not wish this to put any strain on my sexual evolution with the German.

As much as external influences can be reasonable and helpful, they can also unnecessarily damage a relationship (I take a lot of these things to heart). I respect her views and expectations when she goes out swinging. Maybe the two couples are not ready yet to interact that intimately together and a little patience is in order.

I find a lot of the time a little patience and distance calm helps my mind settle. Taking a step back, gaining a new point of view and reestablishing what you already know and is comforting for you. I am sure this will help and I will feel a lot better very soon.


Love and BeLoved



The Mother Update

as previously mentioned my mother is not exactly very understanding of poly. She has however said that as long as I am happy she is happy. On the other hand she accepts noone except the Goth as my partner and when I go back home she does not wish to have me involve her in any way. No sleepovers, dinners etc.

Then again she has moments where she contradicts herself. She has offered me to use my car to drive to visit the German. She asked me questions about him and I showed her a picture of him.

Now she has broken her rules when I told her I was going to spend Christmas with the German. I told her I could come for Christmas but I am leaving to London with the German a day after. My mother then said, well for a night or two you guys can stay here, it goes against all my principles but oh well at Christmas one can poor some water into one’s wine.

No wall that has to happen is that the German agrees to come over for a few days and will have to face the judgement of my dear friends and family. He said it should be doable. So I guess yay for spending Christmas with my closest rather than his… I am slightly worried about all of this December business.

Also because the German and I will spend about 10 days straight together. The most we ever spend together I think is 5 or 6… Should be very interesting. We have already discussed this and decided we might have to use our Pause Function to take  a break from each other or anyone else really.

Exciting Exciting

Love and Be Loved,


What happened recently

Well to quickly tell you what happened:

Thursday the Goth and I had a discussion about our relationship. It started by me being obnoxious and blaming, saying I was the only one putting work into the relationship. (I felt very frustrated recently.)
We realised if we didn’t make an effort our passive  coexisting would eventually be the cause for our end. Then we shut our laptops and watched a movie cuddled up on the couch.

So now we have date night once a week. This discussion also started due to me wanted to have a date with the Lumberjack who I had one date with previously. He had suggested this Friday and the Goth was going to go out with Coworkers. I asked him if I could have a window, a time until which he would agree to be out so there would be no risk of him walking in, just in case the Lumberjack and me decided to get a little closer.

So then there was Friday. During the day I was really frustrated and texting with the German I showed how I felt. Later on I called him during lunchtime. I was telling him how angry I felt due to my frustrations. And how guilty I felt for not being able to let go of that anger. When it comes to the German I am mainly frustrated due to lack of, well plain sex.

In the evening, The Lumberjack came over for dinner. We had fun talking for about 3 hours and spent a bit of time getting to know each other a little better. It was good fun. I then send him a text the following day saying I am glad that I met him since I feel like I can be myself around him.

Saturday I had my very first play party. Attending were the Goth, the Bald One and a couple of friends henceforth known as the Singing Swingers. I think everyone had fun and left fairly satisfied. The Goth was surprisingly open and joined in well although he avoided contact with anyone else but me.

Sunday I went to the London Alternative Market and spent some money. Later on I relaxed at home watching League of Legends Matches with the Bald One.

Monday was Uni time. I spent some time reflecting upon my feelings from the previous week. Conclusions: I felt mainly frustrated due to lack of intimacy and love at the moment since I pushed the Goth away and the German is physically away from me as well (plus he needs a fair amount of space). So now I feel a lot better. Quite optimistic.

I also talked to the German, today and explained my new conclusions about my obsession about having sex with him. See when I am in love with someone and it is still in it’s original hormonal stages having sex with someone can be the most intense experience on the planet. Being so close and connected. I explained I was mainly missing the physical contact when we were being sexual. He was glad to hear it since it made it sound very differently from his just being a fucktoy.

All in all a rather nice and productive weekend. Optimism has arisen and lots of good things seem to be on the horizon. I wish the same for you all.

Love and Be Loved,


Guilt update

I am sorry for projecting my frustrations and feeling angry. I am at the moment unable to feel anything different. Just anger. It’s not their fault nor their responsibility.

I feel guilty for feeling angry, for having those needs. I feel guilty for all of it. And I don’t know how to handle it at the moment. I feel guilty for throwing it all onto someone. I feel guilty for getting angry about what he said even though he just wanted to help me. I feel guilty for not loving selflessly… I feel guilty for feeling to horrible. Damn visious cycle. Sorry. Nothing is working out today.





Well the good news at the moment is that I had a serious talk with the Goth about our future and that we decided to spend time together specifically and not just coexist anymore.

Yesterday on the train home I was totally frustrated though. I felt like both my men were standing in my way. The Goth keeps me from easily dating other men in London and the German keeps me from experiencing the sexual desires I have with him. I felt like my effort was greater than theirs when it came to the well being of the people involved in the relationship.

Then the German cancelled our skype date because he was invited to dinner. I had just done my shopping in a more expensive and unpractical way to be home and ready on time. Then the bastard dared to text me that he loves me (this is how this all felt at the time). I just teared up and couldn’t stop crying the whole way.

As much as these men can communicate it feels like they don’t enough. I seriously have needs that I want covered and I have expressed them. The answer I get is mostly silence.

Right now to look at this again a day later. I have a terrible memory when it comes to remembering what people said. I have a terrible tendency of forgetting the things people have done for me and not appreciating those actions enough. I tend to get unfair and judgemental and self righteous and all that crap in moments like these. Yet all I want is for them to support me. But whenever I say so I feel unfair and guilty or get mean and bitchy. Plus I get the feeling that they do but it just doesn’t feel like enough.

Aaah anyway, I am going to stop thinking now and I am going to stop feeling guilty now.

Have a nice Weekend.

Love and Be Loved


Oh Boy…

And I thought I failed hard last weekend. I fucked up even more this one.


Let’s back up a little. I have been seeing the German for about 7 months now and over those months the first 6 were spent taking care of him when we were together, supporting him and making sure he is happy. Helping him develop his sexuality and position himself in this relationship. In September I had a breakdown and realised I needed to start covering my own desires a bit more. Unfortunately I am not very good in how to ask for support and help and all that.


With the Goth this was easier. He knew about my issues, I explained and he gave me space. Just the way I needed and still do.


With the German, this was the first time the dynamics changed between us. It was all wrong over the last few weeks. This weekend as well, when I went to visit. I threw all my insecurities, all my frustrations, everything onto him at the worst moment possible. I had to run and hide when I realised what I was feeling. I took a step back, well I tried. I had a choice. Not feel this way and let him enjoy this moment or say how I feel and ask for help. I went for the latter. I was too hurt. I didn’t get the support I needed because A: I didn’t explicitly say so and B: The German was physically and mentally exhausted and too strained to be able to bother (as he explained earlier today)


On the way home very early this morning, I was extremely quiet. All I said was that I was sorry. Then I cried and said that I just realised whenever I asked for real support I ended up feeling guilty afterwards. The German pulled the car over and hugged me. I was really happy he did that. I would not have been able to pick myself up otherwise.


Today I felt very guilty about last night still. We talked some more. We both knew that this was exhausting and all we did was discuss our issues recently. Finally we established that we need to become more aware of what we want and how to give it to each other. Unfortunately this does include more communication but I am sure it will be better afterwards. It’s funny how I already feel better about it then before just because we decided we no longer want it to be that way.


I am proud of him and of myself. He managed to pick himself up well a few times and kept his head straight. He might have strayed from his path but managed to get back on it. I was aware of my feelings and consciously made a choice about my behaviour. It might not always be the best one but at least I am aware.


More generally:

What does a relationship constitute of? Love? Happiness? Passion?

Well I thought about this last week already and for me it is the give and take. Wanting to make someone happy and letting them make you happy. For me this does not work if one does not know what one needs nor is able to state it.


Communication, Balance, Honesty.


My three key words when in a relationship.


Love and Be Loved,