Five years ago the Goth and I had just started dating. If we go back exactly five years, I had broken up with my boyfriend back home to be with the Goth in London as I at the time still believe that loving two people at the same time was unacceptable. The Goth and I had agreed on an open relationship. Although it became clear that he was not very comfortable with this when I had sex with someone back home a few months later. It was just sex, great sex, but that was all there was. Still the Goth struggled to deal with these events.
Six months later I met a lovely man and fell for him. The Goth was very very unhappy about this, however his peaceful nature never made him make a fuss about these occurrences. In the end I pushed the conversation to a break up. The Goth and I were no longer a couple. The end, let’s move onto the new guy. Except that the month that followed was filled with sadness. I just missed him so much. The then new guy and I went to the same club The Goth and I used to go to, and of course he was there. This made both the Goth and I very unhappy.
Thanks to our friends, The Goth and I started negotiating what it would take to be together again. It was at the time, monogamy. The monogamous period of our relationship lasted a bit more than a year, and ended with an unfortunate incident on infidelity on my part. We knew something had to change. I stumbled onto polyamory via the books “The Ethical Slut” and “Opening up”. I started to get really excited about the idea of openly loving more than one person as it seemed to be something that kept happening to me.
The start of us being poly was also long distance. I started dating someone back home and The Goth was happy on his own in London. This particular second relationship didn’t affect our relationship in a negative way. My secondary, at this point, was not made for poly and ended things in a particularly childish and petty manner, the manner of screaming down the phone at me and calling me a slut and a whore, while I was at work. This taught me to find people more experienced with non-monogamy. A few months later I stumbled onto the German, by now we know how that ended. Again lasted for over a year, but ended horribly badly with me bruised and scarred, most of which has healed by now.
Today, five years down the road, The Goth and I feel stronger than ever. We talk calmly and productively about our relationship, our needs and boundaries.
We went through so many different stages together. When we started out, communication was stifled. He often backed down when I wanted something he wasn’t ok with. Even when I started dating the German, he just didn’t say anything because he wanted me to be happy. It feels like now he wouldn’t put up with the same treatment anymore.
When we were monogamous our sex life was at it’s worst, my expectations of him were ridiculous for a person like him. I failed to respect who he was and how he deals with things and wanted him to be everything I could possibly want. This is, for me, a main point why I need polyamory.
Having been together for 5 years means we have grown together, we went from 20 years old to 25 years old together, side by side, even if we weren’t always looking in the same direction and had different goals, our love for each other meant that we still went along the same path somehow. We are currently very happy together, from my point of view more than at any point of over the last 5 years.
I don’t know how we managed to stay together for that long, and support each other and care for each other but somehow we made it into a really good place and that is the only thing that matters. I can only hope that we can continue this way.
I also now finally understand why there is this idea that the longer a couple has been together the more it means. It is, like Dan Savage says, about commitment. This commitment has laster 5 years and taken us through a lot and it feels wonderful to have been able to experience all of this with the Goth.
Love and Be Loved,