Five Years – the evolution of a relationship

Five years ago the Goth and I had just started dating. If we go back exactly five years, I had broken up with my boyfriend back home to be with the Goth in London as I at the time still believe that loving two people at the same time was unacceptable. The Goth and I had agreed on an open relationship. Although it became clear that he was not very comfortable with this when I had sex with someone back home a few months later. It was just sex, great sex, but that was all there was. Still the Goth struggled to deal with these events.

Six months later I met a lovely man and fell for him. The Goth was very very unhappy about this, however his peaceful nature never made him make a fuss about these occurrences. In the end I pushed the conversation to a break up. The Goth and I were no longer a couple. The end, let’s move onto the new guy. Except that the month that followed was filled with sadness. I just missed him so much. The then new guy and I went to the same club The Goth and I used to go to, and of course he was there. This made both the Goth and I very unhappy.

Thanks to our friends, The Goth and I started negotiating what it would take to be together again. It was at the time, monogamy. The monogamous period of our relationship lasted a bit more than a year, and ended with an unfortunate incident on infidelity on my part. We knew something had to change. I stumbled onto polyamory via the books “The Ethical Slut” and “Opening up”. I started to get really excited about the idea of openly loving more than one person as it seemed to be something that kept happening to me.

The start of us being poly was also long distance. I started dating someone back home and The Goth was happy on his own in London. This particular second relationship didn’t affect our relationship in a negative way. My secondary, at this point, was not made for poly and ended things in a particularly childish and petty manner, the manner of screaming down the phone at me and calling me a slut and a whore, while I was at work. This taught me to find people more experienced with non-monogamy. A few months later I stumbled onto the German, by now we know how that ended. Again lasted for over a year, but ended horribly badly with me bruised and scarred, most of which has healed by now.

Today, five years down the road, The Goth and I feel stronger than ever. We talk calmly and productively about our relationship, our needs and boundaries. 

We went through so many different stages together. When we started out, communication was stifled. He often backed down when I wanted something he wasn’t ok with. Even when I started dating the German, he just didn’t say anything because he wanted me to be happy. It feels like now he wouldn’t put up with the same treatment anymore. 

When we were monogamous our sex life was at it’s worst, my expectations of him were ridiculous for a person like him. I failed to respect who he was and how he deals with things and wanted him to be everything I could possibly want. This is, for me, a main point why I need polyamory. 

Having been together for 5 years means we have grown together, we went from 20 years old to 25 years old together, side by side, even if we weren’t always looking in the same direction and had different goals, our love for each other meant that we still went along the same path somehow. We are currently very happy together, from my point of view more than at any point of over the last 5 years. 

I don’t know how we managed to stay together for that long, and support each other and care for each other but somehow we made it into a really good place and that is the only thing that matters. I can only hope that we can continue this way.

I also now finally understand why there is this idea that the longer a couple has been together the more it means. It is, like Dan Savage says, about commitment. This commitment has laster 5 years and taken us through a lot and it feels wonderful to have been able to experience all of this with the Goth.


Love and Be Loved,


The Winds of Change

Things change. That is for sure. May it be for the better or the worse, it happens nevertheless. .Image

Today the German and I broke up. I just could not find a way to integrate him in my life in a positive way anymore. All the contact left between us made me feel drained and angry. I probably dragged it out longer than necessary but I do not like cutting people off. If I shall ever see him again I do not know, what I do know is that for now I can not use him in my life. Maybe the winds of change will blow him back into my life in a better way than he left.

On the Goth front we’ve seen some changes too. As a matter of fact he is now dating, I guess I can call her that, his best friend. I am really happy for the two of them. my only concern is that although I am welcomed to join in to cuddles, kisses and more, past events between me, the German and Violin have left me scared.

This is part of what I wanted to write about today. Identity.

I identify myself as a strong, sexually predatory, independent woman. Well most of what I considered myself to be, I seem to be unable to draw from these days. How much of myself have I lost when I can no longer confidently engage in a threesome with two of the people I cherish and trust the most in my life?

Another part of me feels very puzzled when I look into the mirror. I want to run and hide in the arms of someone new, throw myself into a new love and easy the passing of things.

I met someone new, someone who feels safe and loving and kind but also interesting, intriguing and challenging. Someone I can push my sexual boundaries with without ever feeling like having to perform. This someone shall henceforth be named the Dancing Gentleman.

Seems like it could be just the thing? Well it never is, and I don’t want him to be either. I want him to be exactly who he is, and right now that is a man aware of his issues who does not want to feel responsible for a partner because he wants his focus to remain on himself (to summarize and if I got it right, after all the talking). I hugely respect his self awareness and his way of communicating his boundaries. That does not change the fact that his bed seems the perfect place to hide…

Currently I am back home and actively working to make those winds of change blow in my favour. Distance seems what is on the menu. Distance from an unhealthy love, from an overexcited love (/hormones) and from Work to give me the space needed to get a close-up look at myself

Will I ever be able to go back to who I thought I was? Will this identity I used to have ever fit me again? I don’t believe so. I believe that all the changes, all the suffering and all the joy will help me reevaluate my identity and when it is ready I am sure it will be a perfect fit.

Love and Be Loved,


Mono to Poly

Mono? No, thank you.

Not only not for myself, but also in choice of partners. A mono partner who needs to get used to a poly partner, is from my experience, close to hell.

The Goth can be classified as mono. Although I don’t think he identifies himself as either really. He is just who he is, and does not care for labels. But for all intents and purposes of this subject, he is monogamous. He does not date anyone except me.

As you know by now I am polyamorous and not only lead two relationships (as in boyfriend, girlfriend terms, if you want labels) but I also cherish lots of other forms of dating. My social life is a combination of all different types of love and affection.

With the Goth, our relationship almost fell apart due to my New Relationship Energy with the German. When we sat down and discussed things he said that his way of dealing with it was to emotionally distance himself with it. We finally decided we did not wish to break up and make a conscious effort of valuing each other more and spending actual time together, not just next to each other.

I recently went through similar things. I was heavily disregarded due to someone else’s New Relationship Energy. This combined with mourning the death of my father has now left me with a general daily frustration and want to hide.

New Relationship Energy is usually tough to deal with, especially when not used to it, one can easily forget ones responsibilities towards other people one might be involved with.

It also surges new emotions of fear of loss and jealousy. It did so in my case. When dealing with these emotions I find it easiest to state them clearly and ask for help to chase them away. As soon as I see that there is no real foundation for them, they usually disappear.

It takes courage to admit to mostly irrational thoughts of the jealousy kind, which is why most people avoid it. It shows weakness and since this is shunned upon in our culture, we tend to keep this part of our inner life safely hidden from the outside world. But as with most locked away or suppressed emotions, they have a tendency to have other repercussions.Some we may not be aware of, other might be uncontrollable outbursts.

For someone who is used to closed, monogamous relationships, being emotionally attached to someone who enjoys sharing heart, body and soul with many, can we tricky to get used to.

Then there is more. What do you share? Where are the limits? What can you talk about? Can you ask for advice from another partner? What is considered TMI?

The Goth is very open and loving about dealing with my other partners. He will comfort me and try to advise, or just plain listen to all my stories. This is a tremendous gift and increases my trust in him incredibly.

From my first experiences in the last year, passive as well as active, I can tell you, as you might have guessed, communication is key. Fear not, open up and see what happens. Chances are, all will be fine, maybe even wonderful.

Transitions are scary and relationships, mono or poly, are dynamic. The more pieces you add to the puzzle, the more dynamic the whole complex becomes. This is something one might not be ready for but has to embrace with open arms, hearts and minds.

For now, I wish you all the courage you can possible carry in your hearts. One can rarely have too much courage 😉

Love and Be Loved,


Those three words

We all know those three words. For some they are a way to connect, for others a way to ensure a bond and for other they are the three words of doom.

Saying ‘I love you’ for the first time is always risky. The one to say it first has to step up to the fact that the other one might not react well. They might say it themselves, they might not or worst of all it might push them away.

I have encountered people that plain simply refuse to say those words because who they are most comfortable being, the person they want to be, does not get emotionally attached. I assume most of the time that this is a defense mechanism created from pain felt in the past. There might be different reasons but either way I think one should not deny ones feelings, ever. But denial can be a more comfortable zone than reality, unfortunately.

The three words used to escape me very fast. I was not able to handle NRE (New Relationship Energy) all that well and got carried away by hormones easily.

By now I spent a lot more time reflecting my own emotions and become more precise about expressing them, in timing and phrasing.

Still I tend to utter those words first. I don’t remember when I first spoke them to the German. We discussed the three words, literally, so using those exact words and so eventually 3 took on a new meaning. I believe it was on the day we knew each other for 5 months that I said it when we were out dancing. I might be wrong. Anyway, until this day I tend to say it more often. However the change he has gone through is quite extraordinary.

The German has achieved and conquered emotional things he was dealing with and I am insanely proud of him. He confided in me and I tried to support him as good as I could and he seems to radiate with happiness these days. I feel thoroughly loved, supported and cared for at the moment.

It makes me very happy that he freely expresses his feelings to me which is something not everyone can do.

But back to my topic. Being in love is risky, like I mentioned before. Saying it out loud even more. This adds the risk of overuse. Will it lose it’s intensity or meaning if ‘I love you’ is repeated too many times and said in “trivial” ways?

The Goth and I use them plenty. At least once a day, often to terminate a phone call. The German and I still use them sparingly and in moments where, for me, they are felt deeply.

I do remember when I first said it to the Goth, and he thought it was weird. It was just before we had sex, sober and intensely for the first time. I didn’t want to say it afterwards, aware of how cuddly and emotional good sex can make me. I guess I am a little weird sometimes.

The three words, those exact ones. I find the english language very limiting. In German and my mother tongue, there are various ways of expressing it, often changing the tone and intensity. I love a lot of people in my life but saying ‘I love you’ seems to not have the right connotation. My Guardian knows that our love has a different feel to it than typical couple love. We are not in a relationship, do however have a deep bond that is important an cherished by both.

Blade as well. I care about him deeply. I believe he knows (by now he does, since he is probably reading this at some point). It would not occur to say those words though to him. He is another one of those people who is very careful about expressing emotions however I see him as in unity with his feelings and selfaware.

My life entails so many different relationships. Recently in a poly chat, I explained my situation and someone said that my other fuckbuddies, lovers etc were not part of being poly. Well why the hell not? Being poly is a mindset for me, not defined by how many people I have a relationship with. I do not define being poly by my boyfriends. I do not define love by ‘I love you’.

I feel love. I live love. And I hope the people I love know that. If not, ask me!

Love and Be Loved,


What happened recently

Well to quickly tell you what happened:

Thursday the Goth and I had a discussion about our relationship. It started by me being obnoxious and blaming, saying I was the only one putting work into the relationship. (I felt very frustrated recently.)
We realised if we didn’t make an effort our passive  coexisting would eventually be the cause for our end. Then we shut our laptops and watched a movie cuddled up on the couch.

So now we have date night once a week. This discussion also started due to me wanted to have a date with the Lumberjack who I had one date with previously. He had suggested this Friday and the Goth was going to go out with Coworkers. I asked him if I could have a window, a time until which he would agree to be out so there would be no risk of him walking in, just in case the Lumberjack and me decided to get a little closer.

So then there was Friday. During the day I was really frustrated and texting with the German I showed how I felt. Later on I called him during lunchtime. I was telling him how angry I felt due to my frustrations. And how guilty I felt for not being able to let go of that anger. When it comes to the German I am mainly frustrated due to lack of, well plain sex.

In the evening, The Lumberjack came over for dinner. We had fun talking for about 3 hours and spent a bit of time getting to know each other a little better. It was good fun. I then send him a text the following day saying I am glad that I met him since I feel like I can be myself around him.

Saturday I had my very first play party. Attending were the Goth, the Bald One and a couple of friends henceforth known as the Singing Swingers. I think everyone had fun and left fairly satisfied. The Goth was surprisingly open and joined in well although he avoided contact with anyone else but me.

Sunday I went to the London Alternative Market and spent some money. Later on I relaxed at home watching League of Legends Matches with the Bald One.

Monday was Uni time. I spent some time reflecting upon my feelings from the previous week. Conclusions: I felt mainly frustrated due to lack of intimacy and love at the moment since I pushed the Goth away and the German is physically away from me as well (plus he needs a fair amount of space). So now I feel a lot better. Quite optimistic.

I also talked to the German, today and explained my new conclusions about my obsession about having sex with him. See when I am in love with someone and it is still in it’s original hormonal stages having sex with someone can be the most intense experience on the planet. Being so close and connected. I explained I was mainly missing the physical contact when we were being sexual. He was glad to hear it since it made it sound very differently from his just being a fucktoy.

All in all a rather nice and productive weekend. Optimism has arisen and lots of good things seem to be on the horizon. I wish the same for you all.

Love and Be Loved,


Guilt update

I am sorry for projecting my frustrations and feeling angry. I am at the moment unable to feel anything different. Just anger. It’s not their fault nor their responsibility.

I feel guilty for feeling angry, for having those needs. I feel guilty for all of it. And I don’t know how to handle it at the moment. I feel guilty for throwing it all onto someone. I feel guilty for getting angry about what he said even though he just wanted to help me. I feel guilty for not loving selflessly… I feel guilty for feeling to horrible. Damn visious cycle. Sorry. Nothing is working out today.





Well the good news at the moment is that I had a serious talk with the Goth about our future and that we decided to spend time together specifically and not just coexist anymore.

Yesterday on the train home I was totally frustrated though. I felt like both my men were standing in my way. The Goth keeps me from easily dating other men in London and the German keeps me from experiencing the sexual desires I have with him. I felt like my effort was greater than theirs when it came to the well being of the people involved in the relationship.

Then the German cancelled our skype date because he was invited to dinner. I had just done my shopping in a more expensive and unpractical way to be home and ready on time. Then the bastard dared to text me that he loves me (this is how this all felt at the time). I just teared up and couldn’t stop crying the whole way.

As much as these men can communicate it feels like they don’t enough. I seriously have needs that I want covered and I have expressed them. The answer I get is mostly silence.

Right now to look at this again a day later. I have a terrible memory when it comes to remembering what people said. I have a terrible tendency of forgetting the things people have done for me and not appreciating those actions enough. I tend to get unfair and judgemental and self righteous and all that crap in moments like these. Yet all I want is for them to support me. But whenever I say so I feel unfair and guilty or get mean and bitchy. Plus I get the feeling that they do but it just doesn’t feel like enough.

Aaah anyway, I am going to stop thinking now and I am going to stop feeling guilty now.

Have a nice Weekend.

Love and Be Loved