A piece of Creative Writing about Breaking Up

Break ups are necessary. The time apart is key. Out of sight of our mind. That is when dynamics change, when feelings subside. When anger and hate fade away and calm has a chance to be restored.

This time apart allows for friendship to grow again, as it once was there and you don’t understand where it went. You just can’t see how your admiration ever became disdain. How someone you loved and wanted to care for became someone whose pain and failure makes you roll your eyes. You don’t know what happen inside of you, that this person went from loved to hated. Now you scrabble on the floor of your heart for positive emotions. For love, for care and all you can find is apathy.

 

Where did it all go? Or was it me? Did I not do enough, give enough, love enough? Am I selfish? Am I arrogant? Am I a bitch?

The pressure of the love that is still there fills me with guilt. This guilt that clings to my brain just making things even darker. The simple thought of having date night makes me freeze. If I keep going, what good is there in that because I fail to hide how I feel. I am mean. I am not fun to be around and all I do is raising question marks about who did what and who is responsible for this strained mood.

How do I make it stop?  There is no way I can not cause pain. There is already so much pain. I feel like I am failing. I have failed.

I want to run and hide. I don’t want to drag this out. I want to do the right thing. The right thing. I want to do right by the person I once loved. It needs to end, so that maybe one day we can be friends because me seeing you is not filled with guilt and pressure and you seeing me is no longer painful and if I am lucky you have forgiven me. I am sorry. My hope to be forgiven reminds me of how selfish I am.

 

It’s never too late to apologies?!

We all make mistakes. We all say or do the wrong thing sometimes. Sometimes when we are intoxicated, sometimes when we are angry, and sometimes just because we didn’t think things through enough. I feel like I have recently put my foot in it a few times, often in larger social situation with many people present. Often there was a lot going on and come the next day, I don’t really remember what or how I behaved necessarily but something felt off. I felt ashamed afterwards. I get flashbacks of stupid things I said or foolish things I did. Then comes the guilt. ‘I should probably apologies’.

If I do apologies a few things happen. I admit guilt (which I probably should) but I also bring the incident up again for the people I might have upset. If something major happened, it is very important to me to make amends but what about those times you just said something inappropriate at the wrong time? Or you just put your foot in it and made someone uncomfortable? Is it worth reminding someone of a bad moment when the rest of the event was fun? Will that tarnish the memory?

What if your guilt binds you in silence for a while and the occurrence has faded from memory. If you make a point to apologise you end up reminding someone of something bad or hurtful they have long forgotten. Some things should be left in rest.

Is it always worth apologising? When you apologise you do not only make a gesture towards peace but you also show an expectation of forgiveness. But you can not expect forgiveness yet you put pressure on the one you wronged. You are also expecting time and attention when they might just want to forget. You apologise not only for them but for you. You want to be heard and forgiven. They might not want to listen or even be reminded. Could your apology cost more than it’s worth? Could it be your guilt is much bigger than the actual incident? I do tend to worry too much about certain things.

I have for a few personal instances come to the conclusion that getting that weight off my chest would do more harm than good. I made a stupid minor mistake and I can do more right by these people if I behave better and more caring in the future rather than stir up an unpleasant memory. Hopefully I can make amends in showing care and support in the future.

Love and Be Loved.

ThePolyOrange

The Productivity Conundrum or Ah! I don’t know what to do!

Last week I was on holiday with a friend in Lanzarote. A beautiful Canary Island full of tourists. We found ourselves in a resort with four different pools, a main one, a Kids one, but the one I care about the most, a ‘Quiet Zone’ Pool, with a  little cushion and benches area for ‘Adults only’. A large buffet with a special vegan corner for us. Bliss.

I loved going on these type of holidays as a child. All the activities, the tours around the island, playing GameBoy and reading books combined with copious amounts of food. This was very similar, except that I felt like I wasn’t doing enough. How can I relax when I haven’t even finished reading my book yet? Is there nothing better to do than enjoy the sun and a swim? Basically my mind was going crazy with this relaxing idea.

Luckily enough, my friend loves walking so we walked our 10.000 steps along the beach everyday. She told me that there is nothing to do here but relax. It was the purpose of our trip. So I kept myself from spending too much money and only purchased a couple of small gifts for close ones. We went on exploring trips around the Island. I finished reading my book and started a new one without the pressure of finishing it. I swam in the sea without it feeling like exercise but pure pleasure. And I got a tan.

Now I am at home with a few spare days left before my full-time course starts. I have chores etc that need to be done but all in all I have quite some time to, well relax. This morning started off well, I got up and did a few things like checking money, clearing up, getting started on an editing project. Then I was sitting there overwhelmed by the other things that I still have planned. I might have been sitting still but my mind was pacing up and down the room trying to figure out how to get myself to do these things on my list.

I remembered I wanted to go to the cinema and see a film before it stopped showing. Checked times. Decided on one. Decided on when to leave the house and how to combine the trip with grocery shopping, getting materials for my course (I am a sucker for a pretty notepad). Now I have a plan, and all is good. I feel I can stick to that plan and until then do other things that make me panic less, such as play a video game and write my next blog entry, well this one.

So here it is, a brief view on how I, a usually very organised person, deal with relaxation, productivity and planning.

Love and Be Loved

ThePolyOrange

To Lose and to Fight

This weekend wasn’t really the most joyful one. I received news of the sudden passing of a friend of mine. At the same time, I was celebrating a birthday of another friend of mine, who has her very own personal experiences with death.

When my father passed away almost two years ago, I was struggling with his death. When my grandmother passed away six months ago, I was fine. She has lived a long and happy life and more importantly her death came swiftly and, almost, painlessly. My father’s story is filled with tragedy. So are the lives of many of my friends.

Then I find myself reading the amazing Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine. All of a sudden my brain is filled with the reality of double standards and the lack of gender equality. I can only feel the strangeness of gender stereotypes. Why is it all so binary? To me these ideas of female and male feel forced.

On Monday, I had a date with one of my dearest friends and while waiting at the station, I observed a homeless person build themselves a ‘bed’ out of Evening Standards. Around the corner from the station is the construction site of “a new kind of hotel” with the saying: London, you look like you need a place to sleep! And all my brain can do is wonder why I try and fight for anything at all. The world is too unfair anyway right?

My friend’s answer was that we fight because it makes us feel alive, it makes us feel like we have a purpose.

I can only speak for myself but I don’t like feeling sad. I prefer to look at the good side of things, so much I burry sadness deep inside, don’t feel it. Currently, there is the jolly of Christmas and the hopes for the New Year ahead, and the suffering and mourning at present. I only hope that my friends who suffered from this recent loss will recover. I feel useless, as if my words won’t help. I feel my actions are pointless because if I can’t even help my friends, I can’t contribute to any real change in any other way. And it feels like there is a lot to fight for.

But like so many things, these dark times will pass, and there will be light again. Until then, you know the drill.

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

Mothers, Single Parents and Relationships

From all the relationships I have, the strangest one ever is the one with my mother.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about her and me and how we relate to each other. Yesterday, she called it a fight, I just told her that I am still confused why she can’t give me actual real reasons for her rules, and things she doesn’t want me to do or used to forbid me. I tried to confront her with my confusion about why even last year she couldn’t tell me the real reason for something that caused a huge fight. It became a fight because I countered her reasons with logic and she failed to give me an actual reason. And after this confrontation, I felt angry, frustrated and guilty. Why guilty? My best guess would be because I feel I did not respect my mother and she would now expect me to apologise for my behaviour. I did not call her names, I just asked her why she kept avoiding telling me the truth behind her reasoning. The only reason I could find

So, yes, I could be ranting about my mother, but I am more than just confused why at the age of 24 my mother can’t talk to me like a proper adult. I am wondering how I can deal with my mother. So much of her aggravates me. The way she still talks to me like a kid, the way she tells me to quiet down, the way she indirectly tries to meddle in my life. But at the same time, I do like spending time with her. Base line here seems that I want her approval.

It took me until our recent trip to Barcelona to realise that my time spend with my mother is just me talking. We don’t discuss things, except politics and education ( my mom’s career). I tried to talk to her about gender issues and equality, her answer was: Look a pretty building. I would so love to share opinions with my mother on issues that I feel strongly about but she won’t really engage in a new topic. My brother suggested that she might want to avoid big discussions since if we disagree to much, I might never want to talk to her again. One of the advantages of being an adult is that you can talk to other adult about interesting things, or am I wrong here?

Maybe someone else has a better clue on what my relationship with my mother is really about, or if it ever will run smoothly. I find relationships with parents so very strange and it is our primary relationship. There are theories that our relationships with our parents will define how we behave in our future relationship. I have no evidence for or against that except that recently I read this lovely article: http://markmanson.net/6-toxic-habits A friend of mine shared it on facebook saying they also applied to friendships. Another friend answered saying that friendships are relationships too! And she is right.

You can make any relationship your own, even if you had strange relationships with your parents. I sure don’t have a love hate relationship with the Goth 😉

Rational vs. Irrational: the eternal struggle

Do you know these moments where you are upset about something small and insignificant but it then it snowballs with other more or less silly reasons until something or someone significant becomes the target and damage can be done.

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Why does that happen? I guess from some unmet needs, frustrations from a different source or a deeper underlying unresolved problem. In my case it usually comes from some unrelated issue. it spirals out of control and I do damage to my social relationships.

I am short-tempered.

And I hate it!

I have struggled with it for very long and I feel like I have only recently been able to make significant progress in dealing with my emotions and thoughts. It used to be insanely difficult for me to listen to my rational side. So what would be going on was my emotions and irrational thoughts messing around in my head, dominating the rational side. Why am I upset? Why do I have to get angry and let someone else pay for my more or less silly reason to be upset about something more or less silly.

It usually took me about 5-20 mins to calm down. Sometimes it helps to leave me alone, sometimes it help to reach out to me. I wish I had a checklist, a foolproof method of how to deal with me in those situations but I can’t figure one out. I do no know what advice to give someone.

The Goth is the one who mostly suffers when I lash out like an idiot. He doesn’t deserve that, but I might also be to hard calling myself and idiot. We all have emotions and only few of us master them. I also don’t think that there are more than a handful of people who can do so all the time.

Recently I have had a couple of incidents where my irrational side built up and I felt it was going to crush my rationality. Then miraculously my rational side pushed through again and my brain said: No, no need to get upset.

I was probably upset about some guy shoving me on the tube. No need to rage at my housemates due to a dirty dish.

I wish I could get the hang of it. I wish my brain would see reason more often. And then there are all these even sillier cases of when I am drunk, which is a whole other story.

But I have a tendency to worry to much. If we put too much pressure on ourselves, all the time, we will never get anywhere. Epiphany, I have more things in common with my mother than I would like to admit.

So, for a week, for a day, for a minute, relax, rationality will return.

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange