A piece of Creative Writing about Breaking Up

Break ups are necessary. The time apart is key. Out of sight of our mind. That is when dynamics change, when feelings subside. When anger and hate fade away and calm has a chance to be restored.

This time apart allows for friendship to grow again, as it once was there and you don’t understand where it went. You just can’t see how your admiration ever became disdain. How someone you loved and wanted to care for became someone whose pain and failure makes you roll your eyes. You don’t know what happen inside of you, that this person went from loved to hated. Now you scrabble on the floor of your heart for positive emotions. For love, for care and all you can find is apathy.

 

Where did it all go? Or was it me? Did I not do enough, give enough, love enough? Am I selfish? Am I arrogant? Am I a bitch?

The pressure of the love that is still there fills me with guilt. This guilt that clings to my brain just making things even darker. The simple thought of having date night makes me freeze. If I keep going, what good is there in that because I fail to hide how I feel. I am mean. I am not fun to be around and all I do is raising question marks about who did what and who is responsible for this strained mood.

How do I make it stop?  There is no way I can not cause pain. There is already so much pain. I feel like I am failing. I have failed.

I want to run and hide. I don’t want to drag this out. I want to do the right thing. The right thing. I want to do right by the person I once loved. It needs to end, so that maybe one day we can be friends because me seeing you is not filled with guilt and pressure and you seeing me is no longer painful and if I am lucky you have forgiven me. I am sorry. My hope to be forgiven reminds me of how selfish I am.

 

Losing a Friend

I have many reasons for writing about this, but the one I feel fits this best, is because it will help me clear my head. Or at least I hope so.

I do not like writing about negative things without much of a hopeful outlook. I do not think this topic will much revolve around hope. I am just stating this first.

Since starting my blog, I have lost the German, my Father, my Grandmother and a Friend. The one that seems to stick the most is the latter. The German, I really loved and I needed to get away, so I hated him to gain distance and now I can look at things more positively as well as appreciate all the good things that came from his presence in my life. My Father was going to suffer even more and death came as a release. My Grandmother had the chance to say Goodbye to her loved once, and vice versa, she was in not too much pain and she was released quickly.

Now to my friend. He just changed. To the point where we are no longer compatible. There was an event that kicked things off, and at first I needed distance but because I missed him, I tried to reach out to him a few times, without success. I don’t find it important to say what exactly happened. What I can’t wrap my head around is how to deal with this. I have lost friends before because I did stupid respectless things. I have hurt many friends because of stupid respectless things and I was lucky to be forgiven and to still enjoy their presence.

When I hurt people I care about, especially because I was careless, I tend to want to make things up to them as quickly and as best as possible. I hate feeling guilty because I have wronged people. However, this is also triggered when I get accused of having done things, I can’t be certain I did, for example if I was not aware of them. Because I know, I often don’t catch signals and boundaries, I can be very paranoid about being out of line. So if someone close to me is upset, I feel small and stupid and beg for forgiveness because I believe their accusations of me without questioning them. Having this reaction makes it sometimes difficult to stand up for myself, when I am innocent.

My friend did something stupid and so did I, more precisely it comes down to bad communication, and really a tiny thing that over time festered and got blown out of proportion by nit picking and over analysing. By the end, I just wanted things to stop and kept apologising. I finally gave up because The Goth pointed out that it seemed there was was no improvement coming from his side. I was still questioning myself and my communication with him and The Goth made it clear to me that there was nothing I could do. I had to let it go.

This has now been over a month ago, and I still can’t let it go. I find myself wanting to write something, to try to get through to him. No, don’t do that, ever. Because as many now have pointed out, there is no point. I have to find a way of remembering the good times we shared and accepting that we have both changed. There may be a future where change makes it possible for us to respect each other again but for now, do the thing where you let it go. (Kind of talking to myself now)

The scariest part of this all is how quickly and how drastically my friend changed. In February there was a discussion we had where he already displayed some extreme views, which I didn’t understand. That was the last time we had a proper chat about anything. I wish I could see inside his brain to see what is going on, and if there was anything I could do to fix anything. Here, I just have to take a step back and leave it be. As with all the other break ups, losses etc, I hope to eventually reach the point where I can love the happy memories again and appreciate him for all the good he brought to my life once.

Love and Be Loved

ThePolyOrange

P.S. Definitely cathartic.

Friends with Jealousy

Hey Guys,

Sorry it’s been a while been very busy with Uni and stuff.

So this week was interesting. I got a request from my bald fuckbuddy for our date which made me feel like I don’t make enough of an effort for him when we meet up since it was outfit related.
This initially made me very angry, as I am usually proud of the effort I put in my outfits and preparations for dates. I did assume I would misinterpret and I did. But feelings are not logical, so I was still angry for most of the day.

This was made worse by a friend back home calling me. He recently entered a monogamous relationship. We are usually quite flirty and have fooled around a little. He called to ask me a question and would then explain the reason for asking. He ask if I would still hit on him despite the fact that he is now in a closed relationship. I said no. He did ask this because he was honest and told his girl about us. She however is of the opinion that where there once was attraction it can resurge. I do agree with this but it has nothing to do with the ethics around this situation. Now I have also been asked to talk to her over skype so she can get to know me.

I will be very far away from these people for very long and I am a reasonable loyal friend to not hit on my monogamous friends in any serious way… So basically this girl, my friends new found love already lost serious brownie points with me.

What to do in this situation? I find it hard to respect people that are so hugely irrationally jealous and have to implement strangers into dealing with their feelings.

Then again I have many times and in this post stated that feelings are irrational. She is open enough to talk about this rather than let it bubble up inside her. I still doubt I can deal with her very well. We will see what happends when I talk to her but I will assume friend position and be open minded and friendly. In that situation my friend doesn’t need my attitude as well as his girlfriends. I hope he is ok and it will work out for him. (Just annoying because he is a really good man and fucking deserves to be trusted!)

I then later on send an intense message to Baldy. I told him he was not in the position to make such requests. He is a friend and not my Master. He reacted very badly to this. We did eventually relax the situation by clearing up what we meant. We had a very fun evening. He explained that his request was due to fantasies he was trying to fulfill.

With the German I have started to explore my more subby and slave side and I do not feel ready to share myself in this way with anyone else. It at least not too intensely. I don’t really know why but I have no interest in the moment with this. I am developing and evolving as a sub and I guess partially I do not wish to advance to a level where my German Master won’t recognize me anymore when we play.

This is a very new part of my life now despite that I have done much of this before. I have learned a lot and I am determined to become more selfish and not be the only on who cares for people and who only wants to please people. I will look after myself properly, focus on my career, help a new relationship blossom, revive an old relationship and learn Spanish. Sounds good no? 😉

Some interesting stuff happened earlier. I shall report on that in the next few days.

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

Rampage

Ok I am quite upset so this might come out incoherent.

 

Let’s start where it makes sense. For the last at least 3 months I have spent most of time around people. A lot of it around the Goth and the German who both need a lot of attention.

¨The last 48h have been one big shrink session with the German, with positive outcome however. But I need a fucking break from everyone to deal with all of this shit and think about myself for a while. So I went to see a romantic comedy which fitted my mood very well. I then strolled around a fair in the area and ended up chatting to someone I worked with 3 years ago there for about three weeks.

This guy used to know me very well. We were involved a little and he was giving me nice advice. So today when I was about to leave he said that I am still not able to give away control. He continued to say that I wear a mask and that I am running away from myself. He said I have a tumor growing inside of me and that I am in denial about everything I am. He also said that my inflection in English is as mask.

I got upset about this because I used to care about him and he used to give me good advice so I am used to accepting his words as true, or at least to some extent. He was right in a few things but only to a certain extent. He also would not let me finish my sentences….. Which really makes me angry especially when I point it out.

So the gist is I went away. And seconds later I realised : He was wrong. He doesn’t know me anymore. I gave his words too much power. I am not what he says I am. I and only I know what’s inside of me, nobody can truly see or know me. I am inside my head and I am OK with how it is in there.

I got home and skyped with a man very dear to me. Some of the words said there were: “You can’t teach old dogs new tricks” Very true when it comes to this guy. I will no longer listen to his advice and accept it as true without questioning.

I will also no longer just swallow any advice but definitely add a grain of salt to it and put things into perspective so that I can process them in my mind in a less harmful way.

 

I hope this makes sense. Maybe later tonight or tomorrow I will go back to what beautiful and horrible things happened over the weekend 😀

 

Love and Be Loved,

 

ThePolyOrange