A piece of Creative Writing about Breaking Up

Break ups are necessary. The time apart is key. Out of sight of our mind. That is when dynamics change, when feelings subside. When anger and hate fade away and calm has a chance to be restored.

This time apart allows for friendship to grow again, as it once was there and you don’t understand where it went. You just can’t see how your admiration ever became disdain. How someone you loved and wanted to care for became someone whose pain and failure makes you roll your eyes. You don’t know what happen inside of you, that this person went from loved to hated. Now you scrabble on the floor of your heart for positive emotions. For love, for care and all you can find is apathy.

 

Where did it all go? Or was it me? Did I not do enough, give enough, love enough? Am I selfish? Am I arrogant? Am I a bitch?

The pressure of the love that is still there fills me with guilt. This guilt that clings to my brain just making things even darker. The simple thought of having date night makes me freeze. If I keep going, what good is there in that because I fail to hide how I feel. I am mean. I am not fun to be around and all I do is raising question marks about who did what and who is responsible for this strained mood.

How do I make it stop?  There is no way I can not cause pain. There is already so much pain. I feel like I am failing. I have failed.

I want to run and hide. I don’t want to drag this out. I want to do the right thing. The right thing. I want to do right by the person I once loved. It needs to end, so that maybe one day we can be friends because me seeing you is not filled with guilt and pressure and you seeing me is no longer painful and if I am lucky you have forgiven me. I am sorry. My hope to be forgiven reminds me of how selfish I am.

 

It’s never too late to apologies?!

We all make mistakes. We all say or do the wrong thing sometimes. Sometimes when we are intoxicated, sometimes when we are angry, and sometimes just because we didn’t think things through enough. I feel like I have recently put my foot in it a few times, often in larger social situation with many people present. Often there was a lot going on and come the next day, I don’t really remember what or how I behaved necessarily but something felt off. I felt ashamed afterwards. I get flashbacks of stupid things I said or foolish things I did. Then comes the guilt. ‘I should probably apologies’.

If I do apologies a few things happen. I admit guilt (which I probably should) but I also bring the incident up again for the people I might have upset. If something major happened, it is very important to me to make amends but what about those times you just said something inappropriate at the wrong time? Or you just put your foot in it and made someone uncomfortable? Is it worth reminding someone of a bad moment when the rest of the event was fun? Will that tarnish the memory?

What if your guilt binds you in silence for a while and the occurrence has faded from memory. If you make a point to apologise you end up reminding someone of something bad or hurtful they have long forgotten. Some things should be left in rest.

Is it always worth apologising? When you apologise you do not only make a gesture towards peace but you also show an expectation of forgiveness. But you can not expect forgiveness yet you put pressure on the one you wronged. You are also expecting time and attention when they might just want to forget. You apologise not only for them but for you. You want to be heard and forgiven. They might not want to listen or even be reminded. Could your apology cost more than it’s worth? Could it be your guilt is much bigger than the actual incident? I do tend to worry too much about certain things.

I have for a few personal instances come to the conclusion that getting that weight off my chest would do more harm than good. I made a stupid minor mistake and I can do more right by these people if I behave better and more caring in the future rather than stir up an unpleasant memory. Hopefully I can make amends in showing care and support in the future.

Love and Be Loved.

ThePolyOrange

Adulting – embracing the fear

Since I thought it was a good idea to take a break from my blog, my brain still didn’t take a break. So here I am again.

I seem to now have an internship that may or may not lead to permanent employment. This means that if I do well, I will have to continue to do so until I decide I no longer want this employment. I constantly wonder how it will turn out, and if they might offer me a job. I constantly judge myself because I feel like I should be an adult by now and get his job. So how the hell does one adult?

What does ‘Adult’ even mean? I want certain things adults supposedly want – owning a nice home, with beautiful furniture so I can host dinner parties and feed my amazing friends fantastic food.

Does ‘Adult’ mean that? Is it status? Is it home ownership? Is it capital? if so, what capital?  – I feel like many of those standard material ‘adult’ things are not too far from my grasp but I do not feel like an adult. I feel like I am trying to be one. Every day. Around everyone. Each time I interact with someone. Someone other than the Goth.

My long term partner, 6 years and counting, is the only person I feel that I can relax with. We know we are not full on adults all the time. We make mistakes, and shit happens. There is no fuss when I fuck up, when I snap or when I struggle to keep up my ‘strong’ self. We are understanding and forgiving of each other, fully. (feeling this way, triggers a whole lot of other feelings – later post coming)

So again, how does one adult? OKC asks this question if you consider yourself an adult. Do I? Do you? What does it mean to you? I wish I knew what it meant to me. I want all those theoretical adult things but I am actually scared. I am scared of not being the best I can be, of not being a mature person who is responsible, loving and respectful at all times. I am scared of failing, of letting those down who rely one me, those who trust me. I know I do well often, and in some things, but the worst is when something influences me that I do not understand. I pride myself in being self aware yet I realise all the time that there is more to learn, more to improve. So when I feel like I have not been the perfect adult, I blame myself, judge myself instinctively and snap, shut down. Nothing can keep me from the worst, turning my self judgement towards others.

Boom. I have made a mistake, unconsciously, something felt off. I snap and I leave others confused, hurt or enraged. When all it was, was me. A combination of lack of understanding of myself, judgement and fear of not being exactly what I feel I should be at all times. The result is this: I sit inside myself, not being able to reach out, blaming myself more and more until I can finally master the strength to apologise. No one should be hurt by my silly mistake of not being perfect all the time. I should just be forthcoming with my apology and vulnerability to offer understanding of my reactions. Oh wait, that would require ‘adulting’.

It’s a vicious cycle and as much as I understand it, I still haven’t learned how to navigate through it. And I judge myself for this, for not being an ‘adult’. I am scared but also committed to keep going, to keep learning because it matters to me that I am the best I can be, in my job and around people, especially those I love.

This has been hard to write but felt necessary because if I struggle with my fear, my responsibility, my self awareness, then others will too. Growing up no one told me it would all just be pretending, even if a lot of it is due to social constructs. Fear not, try to show yourself, scared and all. We all are somehow, and we can help each other, we can support each other. But first we need to be vulnerable. So here I am, scared but not alone. I know you are here too.

Moving forward, trying to embrace fear and vulnerability, letting other love and support us,

Love and be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

The Productivity Conundrum or Ah! I don’t know what to do!

Last week I was on holiday with a friend in Lanzarote. A beautiful Canary Island full of tourists. We found ourselves in a resort with four different pools, a main one, a Kids one, but the one I care about the most, a ‘Quiet Zone’ Pool, with a  little cushion and benches area for ‘Adults only’. A large buffet with a special vegan corner for us. Bliss.

I loved going on these type of holidays as a child. All the activities, the tours around the island, playing GameBoy and reading books combined with copious amounts of food. This was very similar, except that I felt like I wasn’t doing enough. How can I relax when I haven’t even finished reading my book yet? Is there nothing better to do than enjoy the sun and a swim? Basically my mind was going crazy with this relaxing idea.

Luckily enough, my friend loves walking so we walked our 10.000 steps along the beach everyday. She told me that there is nothing to do here but relax. It was the purpose of our trip. So I kept myself from spending too much money and only purchased a couple of small gifts for close ones. We went on exploring trips around the Island. I finished reading my book and started a new one without the pressure of finishing it. I swam in the sea without it feeling like exercise but pure pleasure. And I got a tan.

Now I am at home with a few spare days left before my full-time course starts. I have chores etc that need to be done but all in all I have quite some time to, well relax. This morning started off well, I got up and did a few things like checking money, clearing up, getting started on an editing project. Then I was sitting there overwhelmed by the other things that I still have planned. I might have been sitting still but my mind was pacing up and down the room trying to figure out how to get myself to do these things on my list.

I remembered I wanted to go to the cinema and see a film before it stopped showing. Checked times. Decided on one. Decided on when to leave the house and how to combine the trip with grocery shopping, getting materials for my course (I am a sucker for a pretty notepad). Now I have a plan, and all is good. I feel I can stick to that plan and until then do other things that make me panic less, such as play a video game and write my next blog entry, well this one.

So here it is, a brief view on how I, a usually very organised person, deal with relaxation, productivity and planning.

Love and Be Loved

ThePolyOrange

First contact

New Year, New Adventures, New Problems, New Experiences, New Opportunities.

My first big adventure this year was a trip to Germany to commemorate a friend. It was a weekend of Goodbye’s but also Welcome’s. For the first few nights I was staying with a man I had met shortly after I got together with the German back over 2 years ago. We seemed to always like each other but for various reasons we were never able to spend much time together. Well this weekend we did, and it was lovely. Due to the reasons for my trip, my mood was complex and we failed to connect quite as intimately as we’d hoped.

Thursday evening was filled with hours of chatting to each other about life, love and lust. It can be incredible fun to sit around and discuss each others experiences and expectations. It can also be uncomfortable, not necessarily awkward but individually, internally it can sting. Someone you are really into shares details of their sexuality with you. A lot of it sounds delicious but some things raise worries about incompatibility. Sexual preferences, kinky practices that the other finds essential, you do not. Does this mean you will clash? Does it mean an intimate encounter will be unsatisfying for both of you? Is this all already doomed?Frist Contact

On that evening, while talking about many things, we were not open about these kind of concerns. As the weekend progressed, my mind got heavier and I wasn’t feeling intimate anymore. A lot more talking happened, around how tricky sexual encounters can be, and how it would just be easier to communicate during. We both felt how social conventions were restricting sexuality with ridiculous concepts of how it all should be. Obvious example: heterosexual sex is penis in vagina with simultaneous orgasms. This is a man who understands, and is capable of the importance of honest and clear communication. He also, in his very own way, rejects social conventions and insists on being individual and adaptable (if he wasn’t at least a little like this, I doubt would like him for anything more than his looks).

When dating, sharing experiences and desires can be very titillating. There is a risk of reducing excitement, but unless you try out and talk, you are unlikely to find a real answer. More often than not there are ways of adapting preferences and fantasies to make for a satisfying and interesting encounter. As usually with me, the rule is communication (If reading much of my blog, one might have noticed that by now).

Sunday morning there was tensions, we both felt it. I am incredibly grateful for both of us opening up, then and there to each other, to prevent an ending filled with frustration and resent. Primarily we told each other how we felt, and where we were standing. To the happiness of both of us, we agreed. For many reasons, and amazing people, I might have to come back to Germany, yet again!

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

To Lose and to Fight

This weekend wasn’t really the most joyful one. I received news of the sudden passing of a friend of mine. At the same time, I was celebrating a birthday of another friend of mine, who has her very own personal experiences with death.

When my father passed away almost two years ago, I was struggling with his death. When my grandmother passed away six months ago, I was fine. She has lived a long and happy life and more importantly her death came swiftly and, almost, painlessly. My father’s story is filled with tragedy. So are the lives of many of my friends.

Then I find myself reading the amazing Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine. All of a sudden my brain is filled with the reality of double standards and the lack of gender equality. I can only feel the strangeness of gender stereotypes. Why is it all so binary? To me these ideas of female and male feel forced.

On Monday, I had a date with one of my dearest friends and while waiting at the station, I observed a homeless person build themselves a ‘bed’ out of Evening Standards. Around the corner from the station is the construction site of “a new kind of hotel” with the saying: London, you look like you need a place to sleep! And all my brain can do is wonder why I try and fight for anything at all. The world is too unfair anyway right?

My friend’s answer was that we fight because it makes us feel alive, it makes us feel like we have a purpose.

I can only speak for myself but I don’t like feeling sad. I prefer to look at the good side of things, so much I burry sadness deep inside, don’t feel it. Currently, there is the jolly of Christmas and the hopes for the New Year ahead, and the suffering and mourning at present. I only hope that my friends who suffered from this recent loss will recover. I feel useless, as if my words won’t help. I feel my actions are pointless because if I can’t even help my friends, I can’t contribute to any real change in any other way. And it feels like there is a lot to fight for.

But like so many things, these dark times will pass, and there will be light again. Until then, you know the drill.

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

Asking someone out – the all important first step

I used drinking last year as one of my methods to cope with my father’s death, and it ended up causing some social damage, most of which I have been able to repair. When I stopped drinking for a month last October, I realised how reliant my social interactions were on alcohol. I used to go out, have a few and then I wouldn’t think about flirting anymore I would just do it. I would not feel nervous about being intimate with someone and I would be braver about approaches people I fancied.

Currently I do still drink, but a lot less heavily. I go out, and ofter drive to these events, and soon after I find myself under social pressure. I feel like I don’t know how to talk to people anymore or what about and What am I doing here anyway, when I can be at home safe with The Goth? Most of the time, I would still go out and have a good time, I just found it difficult to meet new people and especially to flirt with new people. This is how I have found myself stuck in the world of OKCupid for the last 6 months.

I did however meet a few people I really wanted to go on a date with and meet in a more intimate, one on one setting. For weeks I would meet one of them at an event and then never had the guts to even really flirt. Our conversations were just friendly and I felt that I failed to show my interest in them.

The final thing was that I was looking for someone at an event to ask them out only to realise they had left, and I had sworn to myself I was going to ask him out that night. So I decided, if I can’t seem to do it in person I will use text form and wrote him a few messages online afterwards and eventually asked him out. His response wasn’t too positive so I will leave it hanging in the air for now.

This had left me with rejection but soon after it became clear that I just had to take the risk again and again, otherwise I was never going to know if any of these lovely men wanted to potentially date me. Factor in that for various reasons that I admired these three men that I am talking about here, and admiration usually makes me feel inferior thus I tend to be reluctant to approach, as I feel like I have nothing to offer. So this week I took another plunge and again in text form approached man number 2. He responded with enthusiasm, informed me he was busy this week but how about the next. Result: We arranged a date then and there, with the added bonus that this beautiful man is free during the day, just like me, so maybe we will arrange and afternoon date, which I do prefer as it leaves more options on how to continue if the date goes well.

Man number 3 I haven’t asked out yet. I have taken up contact online and am awaiting a response before I tell him that I find him attractive and would like to have him over for dinner and then maybe some. I feel this man would appreciate a very direct approach. As you might have guesses, I really have no issues with Sex on the first date.

So we shall see how these dates go, but I think being proactive is the way to go here. My risks seem to pay off more or less. I am also sure that my anxiety will fade once I learn how to flirt sober. If I don’t try, nothing will change, right? That is what worked for my grieving process last year, my worries about The Goth starting dating after my experiences with The German, and my shoulder and arm body muscles after getting some dumbells!

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange