Since I thought it was a good idea to take a break from my blog, my brain still didn’t take a break. So here I am again.
I seem to now have an internship that may or may not lead to permanent employment. This means that if I do well, I will have to continue to do so until I decide I no longer want this employment. I constantly wonder how it will turn out, and if they might offer me a job. I constantly judge myself because I feel like I should be an adult by now and get his job. So how the hell does one adult?
What does ‘Adult’ even mean? I want certain things adults supposedly want – owning a nice home, with beautiful furniture so I can host dinner parties and feed my amazing friends fantastic food.
Does ‘Adult’ mean that? Is it status? Is it home ownership? Is it capital? if so, what capital? – I feel like many of those standard material ‘adult’ things are not too far from my grasp but I do not feel like an adult. I feel like I am trying to be one. Every day. Around everyone. Each time I interact with someone. Someone other than the Goth.
My long term partner, 6 years and counting, is the only person I feel that I can relax with. We know we are not full on adults all the time. We make mistakes, and shit happens. There is no fuss when I fuck up, when I snap or when I struggle to keep up my ‘strong’ self. We are understanding and forgiving of each other, fully. (feeling this way, triggers a whole lot of other feelings – later post coming)
So again, how does one adult? OKC asks this question if you consider yourself an adult. Do I? Do you? What does it mean to you? I wish I knew what it meant to me. I want all those theoretical adult things but I am actually scared. I am scared of not being the best I can be, of not being a mature person who is responsible, loving and respectful at all times. I am scared of failing, of letting those down who rely one me, those who trust me. I know I do well often, and in some things, but the worst is when something influences me that I do not understand. I pride myself in being self aware yet I realise all the time that there is more to learn, more to improve. So when I feel like I have not been the perfect adult, I blame myself, judge myself instinctively and snap, shut down. Nothing can keep me from the worst, turning my self judgement towards others.
Boom. I have made a mistake, unconsciously, something felt off. I snap and I leave others confused, hurt or enraged. When all it was, was me. A combination of lack of understanding of myself, judgement and fear of not being exactly what I feel I should be at all times. The result is this: I sit inside myself, not being able to reach out, blaming myself more and more until I can finally master the strength to apologise. No one should be hurt by my silly mistake of not being perfect all the time. I should just be forthcoming with my apology and vulnerability to offer understanding of my reactions. Oh wait, that would require ‘adulting’.
It’s a vicious cycle and as much as I understand it, I still haven’t learned how to navigate through it. And I judge myself for this, for not being an ‘adult’. I am scared but also committed to keep going, to keep learning because it matters to me that I am the best I can be, in my job and around people, especially those I love.
This has been hard to write but felt necessary because if I struggle with my fear, my responsibility, my self awareness, then others will too. Growing up no one told me it would all just be pretending, even if a lot of it is due to social constructs. Fear not, try to show yourself, scared and all. We all are somehow, and we can help each other, we can support each other. But first we need to be vulnerable. So here I am, scared but not alone. I know you are here too.
Moving forward, trying to embrace fear and vulnerability, letting other love and support us,
Love and be Loved,