What happened recently

Well to quickly tell you what happened:

Thursday the Goth and I had a discussion about our relationship. It started by me being obnoxious and blaming, saying I was the only one putting work into the relationship. (I felt very frustrated recently.)
We realised if we didn’t make an effort our passive  coexisting would eventually be the cause for our end. Then we shut our laptops and watched a movie cuddled up on the couch.

So now we have date night once a week. This discussion also started due to me wanted to have a date with the Lumberjack who I had one date with previously. He had suggested this Friday and the Goth was going to go out with Coworkers. I asked him if I could have a window, a time until which he would agree to be out so there would be no risk of him walking in, just in case the Lumberjack and me decided to get a little closer.

So then there was Friday. During the day I was really frustrated and texting with the German I showed how I felt. Later on I called him during lunchtime. I was telling him how angry I felt due to my frustrations. And how guilty I felt for not being able to let go of that anger. When it comes to the German I am mainly frustrated due to lack of, well plain sex.

In the evening, The Lumberjack came over for dinner. We had fun talking for about 3 hours and spent a bit of time getting to know each other a little better. It was good fun. I then send him a text the following day saying I am glad that I met him since I feel like I can be myself around him.

Saturday I had my very first play party. Attending were the Goth, the Bald One and a couple of friends henceforth known as the Singing Swingers. I think everyone had fun and left fairly satisfied. The Goth was surprisingly open and joined in well although he avoided contact with anyone else but me.

Sunday I went to the London Alternative Market and spent some money. Later on I relaxed at home watching League of Legends Matches with the Bald One.

Monday was Uni time. I spent some time reflecting upon my feelings from the previous week. Conclusions: I felt mainly frustrated due to lack of intimacy and love at the moment since I pushed the Goth away and the German is physically away from me as well (plus he needs a fair amount of space). So now I feel a lot better. Quite optimistic.

I also talked to the German, today and explained my new conclusions about my obsession about having sex with him. See when I am in love with someone and it is still in it’s original hormonal stages having sex with someone can be the most intense experience on the planet. Being so close and connected. I explained I was mainly missing the physical contact when we were being sexual. He was glad to hear it since it made it sound very differently from his just being a fucktoy.

All in all a rather nice and productive weekend. Optimism has arisen and lots of good things seem to be on the horizon. I wish the same for you all.

Love and Be Loved,


What if?

I wanted to finally write about something less based on only me and more general about the polyamorous lifestyle.
One of the main things people in ethical non-monogamous relationships face is the what if question every time their partner, or themselves get involved with someone else.

What if the new partner is hotter than me? What if they are better in bed then me? What if my partner loves them more than me?

I have not yet been in many situations of dealing with this. My previous boyfriend a year ago was dating someone else at the same time as me. She was crazy about him and hated my guts. She was ok with him sleeping with other people except me. So he ended up dumping me but later on used me to cheat on her because she was not satisfying him sexually.
He actually had a serious go at me calling me a slut and a whore. This was his way of breaking up with me.

So that didn’t end that well. My second example is my friend the Bald One. Since we started sleeping together he has very clearly stated his loyalty to me. And when it came to my other friend the Climber, who I have had a few moresomes with, I felt like I might loose them both if they slept together. So I asked him if he would tell me if he planned on seeing her. I also suggested we’d sleep together, the three of us. This happened later on. Last Saturday we were all out together and she had asked him to come home with her, so he asked me for permission. After thinking it through and feeling it through, I agreed.

I have never experienced that kind of loyalty before and it makes me feel very safe.

Thirdly there is the German. He is in general out on a date about once a week. And when he goes out clubbing he ends up meeting new girls. I fully support him in developing his sexuality and making new contacts. But I do occasionally feel jealous. I am worried about losing him. I am worried that he will enjoy screwing someone else more than me. This is mainly since I know he doesn’t find me sexy. Or at least this is what he said about 3 months into our relationship. By him saying I do not fit his usual type, I got very conscious about it all. I have found a way of dealing with it though.

Now every time jealousy shows it’s ugly head, I face it and tell myself that I know that he loves me. He has shown this more in the last few days than ever (or at least that is how it feels). Then that burn inside my chest goes away and I am happy for him. Sure I could lose him, but I doubt it would be because of some other woman.

So there are all these What if Questions but when you are open and loving the answer is simple. They love you. There is only one of you. There is a reason why they want you in their lives. They will not give up on you easily.

If these things aren’t true then from my point of view, the relationship is not worth keeping any longer.

Love and Be Loved,


Friends with Jealousy

Hey Guys,

Sorry it’s been a while been very busy with Uni and stuff.

So this week was interesting. I got a request from my bald fuckbuddy for our date which made me feel like I don’t make enough of an effort for him when we meet up since it was outfit related.
This initially made me very angry, as I am usually proud of the effort I put in my outfits and preparations for dates. I did assume I would misinterpret and I did. But feelings are not logical, so I was still angry for most of the day.

This was made worse by a friend back home calling me. He recently entered a monogamous relationship. We are usually quite flirty and have fooled around a little. He called to ask me a question and would then explain the reason for asking. He ask if I would still hit on him despite the fact that he is now in a closed relationship. I said no. He did ask this because he was honest and told his girl about us. She however is of the opinion that where there once was attraction it can resurge. I do agree with this but it has nothing to do with the ethics around this situation. Now I have also been asked to talk to her over skype so she can get to know me.

I will be very far away from these people for very long and I am a reasonable loyal friend to not hit on my monogamous friends in any serious way… So basically this girl, my friends new found love already lost serious brownie points with me.

What to do in this situation? I find it hard to respect people that are so hugely irrationally jealous and have to implement strangers into dealing with their feelings.

Then again I have many times and in this post stated that feelings are irrational. She is open enough to talk about this rather than let it bubble up inside her. I still doubt I can deal with her very well. We will see what happends when I talk to her but I will assume friend position and be open minded and friendly. In that situation my friend doesn’t need my attitude as well as his girlfriends. I hope he is ok and it will work out for him. (Just annoying because he is a really good man and fucking deserves to be trusted!)

I then later on send an intense message to Baldy. I told him he was not in the position to make such requests. He is a friend and not my Master. He reacted very badly to this. We did eventually relax the situation by clearing up what we meant. We had a very fun evening. He explained that his request was due to fantasies he was trying to fulfill.

With the German I have started to explore my more subby and slave side and I do not feel ready to share myself in this way with anyone else. It at least not too intensely. I don’t really know why but I have no interest in the moment with this. I am developing and evolving as a sub and I guess partially I do not wish to advance to a level where my German Master won’t recognize me anymore when we play.

This is a very new part of my life now despite that I have done much of this before. I have learned a lot and I am determined to become more selfish and not be the only on who cares for people and who only wants to please people. I will look after myself properly, focus on my career, help a new relationship blossom, revive an old relationship and learn Spanish. Sounds good no? 😉

Some interesting stuff happened earlier. I shall report on that in the next few days.

Love and Be Loved,


Coming out

So I said previously I was going to write about this.

Well I have three stories to tell, my own, my German’s and my london lover’s.

Let’s start with my London lover’s, for future reference I am going to call him the Bald One  (no offence, but it’s better since you went bald). Anyway so he told me in detail his history with BDSM and how he had a meet up with his friends and said he wanted to announce something. Apparently they all wondered what it could be and came up with very funny ideas.

So he took the challenge of facing all of his closest friends and telling them about his sexual preferences. He says that until now his mom has issues dealing with it and urges him to settle down with vanilla girl next door type. I totally understand that he does not see eye to eye with his mother. Neither do I, as you might well have noticed.

Here is how it happened to me. Thanks do my close relationship with my mother I was just always used to being open to people about it. As I discovered new fascinating things like BDSM, the Fetishscene, Open Relationships and Polyamory, I just talked to people about it,  mainly my close friends and mother. By now I am so comfortable about al of this that if you will ask me what I did this weekend I won´t hesitate to tell you what sort of clubs I went to.

The German on the other hand is still in the closet, or at least partially. This is why this blog is kept away from almost everyone he could know. His closest friends don´t know much about his love or sexlife. In one group, he has slept with one girl and I doubt anyone else knows even though I have the suspicion that she has something going on with another guy from the group. Anyway I am amazed about how discreet these people are, it´s almost like being back home. Due to being with me he has mentioned to some of his closest, including his mum, that he is in an open relationship with me. He has also told them that I have two boyfriends. Mostly the reactions have been pretty smooth I would say. So his way of coming out is bit by bit when it comes to his friends.

But what about strangers and new acquaintances? The Bald One and I mainly go out in the Fetish Scene in London, so we are pretty settled in already when it comes to telling someone what you are into. Even saying you are poly has the common reaction of people knowing what it is and saying that is just doesn´t appeal to them. But The German has been on a few dates with a few women and until now he hasn´t found a way of saying, I have a girlfriend, am a dominant BDSM male and looking for fun and more. We discussed this yesterday. Where does ethical and your fun conflict, he said. When does he have to tell a woman about his relationship with me? Too early might scare her away and too late might make her feel cheated and used.
(I once told a guy soon after we had sex, we had sex three more times that night but I never saw him again after that.)

So when and how do we drop the poly bomb? The BDSM one can easily be hidden if one is ok with having vanilla sex in these situations but saying one is in a relationship or even multiple ones can easily alienate otherwise potential partners.

It is not easy to find the ethical balance without jeopardising one´s fun. I personally play with open cards from the very beginning and let people know about my situation as soon as there seems to be interest.

Finally an example. Wednesday the German went to the Sauna with a woman, around the same age as him. They share a hobby and thus know each other. She suggested going to the sauna, he agreed. They spent a few hours naked, in the whirlpool and cuddling talking about her sextoys.

When will he tell her about his situation?

I think that since they discussed a sexual and intimate topic on their first date, he should not wait for too long. Maybe see when first intimate physical contact is established, or attraction and emotional comfort is clear. He will have to find out on his own. I hope for him she won´t shy away.

But the poly BDSM people are not necessarily distinguishable from the vanilla monogamous people 😉

Love and Be Loved,