Heartbreak

Break ups don’t get easier. I have gone through many. Some hurt more than others. In this case, a partner of 5 months broke up with me. I was so happy, and so in love with him that he officially became a partner, instead of a boyfriend, quite quickly.

Two weeks ago, we were watching a film, and I spoiled a couple of things, and because he was a bit annoyed about it, I went internal for a bit to process and to calm myself to not spoil any more things. It felt like a good thing to do to sit back for a bit. My phone opened on an article I had left there for later reading. So I read it. It was an everdayfeminism.com article on women’s emotional labour (http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/06/emotional-labor-womens-lives/). As I read it I started crying. It resonated with me so strongly. He leaned over to check in and I requested that we keep watching the film but he insisted on talking to me. And it got a bit muddled and I said that I didn’t think he could relate to this. The next thing I know he has left my house without an explanation.

I wrote him to ask what was going on. He asked me to leave him alone but in my confusion I pushed. He then responded saying we were done. After two weeks of silence, he has confirmed that this is the case and he actually meant his last message to me. He also said he probably doesn’t want to talk about this as he doesn’t see the point.

I feel like I am 15 again. Blaming myself, asking myself what I did wrong. Wondering if or when I could contact him. What the best thing to do was. In the end, his message indicated that there was no right thing to do. He had made up his mind. I love him dearly still and feel like I would beg on my knees to have him back.

But I am 27, and I know that I am not the defining factor here, there are two of us and we both hurt each other. Yes, I made a mistake but I have now apologised. I wanted to talk so I could explain and apologise but he does not want this.  He doesn’t want to talk. I don’t get to know what went on inside his head, he doesn’t want to know what I thought or felt. I could learn a lot from knowing what he felt. I like growing after all. So I will grow by finding my own way of stopping the blaming questions in my head, the regret that forms a lump in my throat and the pain that’s twisting my heart.

 

Luckily enough so many wonderful people and partners are out there, who lovingly support me through this. I can only hope it will be another 5 years before I get dumped like this again.

Female Friendship

Growing up I never had many girlfriends, like friends who are girls. I had one which was my neighbour until I moved out of that area of town in primary school and then another one, who is still a friend for now almost 15 years.

But for a long period, especially as a teenager and in my early 20’s, I was convinced that I didn’t like other women. I wasn’t girly and didn’t like fashion or whatever else girls typically talk about. Because it is that simple, and women are that one dimensional, right?

Over the last couple of years I have gained many more girlfriends. I not only enjoy the company of women but I actively seek it. We have so much to share, and I don’t mean make up tips (although that is another great thing about having women as friends), I mean life experiences, how we perceive and are perceived by society, how we handle the dating world, how we deal with men, how we see and deal with our bodies, like stuff about sex, food, clothes, drag queens, Ghostbusters (now with female leads) and periods!

I am so excited to be able to talk about these things not only openly (I did that anyway before) but to people who can contribute, engage, challenge and enrich these discussions.

Now as to why I never used to like women – patriarchy! Well it is my main suspicion. I always wanted to be one of the boys, because girls were stupid. Femininity is silly. I also wanted to be attractive to men, and be admired by them, and be on their good side because that makes life easier. I was so obsessed with appealing to men that I never learned the beauty of female friendship, because as much as I would love to, men just don’t understand many of the things women experience (and vice versa).

Well now, and mostly thanks to my increasing awareness of society’s stereotypes, internalised misogyny and well feminism stuff in general, I care less about the approval of men and more about my own being as a woman in our society. I also delight in being in a mutually supportive environment with people who care and understand the things I care about. I love my angry feminist friends, the queer, vegan, femme, crazy, kinky, poly, loving, caring, creative, supportive, wonderful and amazing women in my life! (insert more labels and adjectives that fit)

And I love that we openly talk about periods, even around men, and that is totally cool and amazing. Feels like such a small thing but it is quite groundbreaking to me!

It’s never too late to apologies?!

We all make mistakes. We all say or do the wrong thing sometimes. Sometimes when we are intoxicated, sometimes when we are angry, and sometimes just because we didn’t think things through enough. I feel like I have recently put my foot in it a few times, often in larger social situation with many people present. Often there was a lot going on and come the next day, I don’t really remember what or how I behaved necessarily but something felt off. I felt ashamed afterwards. I get flashbacks of stupid things I said or foolish things I did. Then comes the guilt. ‘I should probably apologies’.

If I do apologies a few things happen. I admit guilt (which I probably should) but I also bring the incident up again for the people I might have upset. If something major happened, it is very important to me to make amends but what about those times you just said something inappropriate at the wrong time? Or you just put your foot in it and made someone uncomfortable? Is it worth reminding someone of a bad moment when the rest of the event was fun? Will that tarnish the memory?

What if your guilt binds you in silence for a while and the occurrence has faded from memory. If you make a point to apologise you end up reminding someone of something bad or hurtful they have long forgotten. Some things should be left in rest.

Is it always worth apologising? When you apologise you do not only make a gesture towards peace but you also show an expectation of forgiveness. But you can not expect forgiveness yet you put pressure on the one you wronged. You are also expecting time and attention when they might just want to forget. You apologise not only for them but for you. You want to be heard and forgiven. They might not want to listen or even be reminded. Could your apology cost more than it’s worth? Could it be your guilt is much bigger than the actual incident? I do tend to worry too much about certain things.

I have for a few personal instances come to the conclusion that getting that weight off my chest would do more harm than good. I made a stupid minor mistake and I can do more right by these people if I behave better and more caring in the future rather than stir up an unpleasant memory. Hopefully I can make amends in showing care and support in the future.

Love and Be Loved.

ThePolyOrange

A Thought and a Message

Unfortunately recently I haven’t been able to post anything as my daily life has changed quite a lot. I started a post graduate in Events Management, which is super exciting but also extremely hectic and intense. It also forced me to be around people who are less exposed to my poly, pervert, play lifestyle. Eventually some of my classmates put the pieces together when I said, ‘my boyfriend’ and the next day ‘my girlfriend’.

And then came the usual questions. While answering them, something became clear to me. There was the impression that dating multiple people was harder than one person. Suddenly it struck me, currently my lovely poly relationships are so lovely and wonderful because they are in one word – easy. Neither of my partners, nor any of my casual partners have any expectations of me. There is a loving understanding of mutual support and companionship without expectations. We are able to enjoy each others company without any pressure.

That’s it, the pressure is off! My partners know who I am and I know them. We understand needs, wants and just let each other life our lives while being there for each other. I no longer have to worry about pleasing them, or asking for something. It is seems to flow seamlessly. And I am eternally grateful to both of them for having helped us reach this point. It feels comfortable, it feels safe. Exactly what I need at this point where my life has changed. I am certain that if I was monogamous, I would feel a lot more panic about my relationship right now, as stress, unmet needs and expectations would start to bubble into a toxic cocktail. Poly allows me to enjoy my partners and what I have with them. I no longer focus on what I don’t have with them. This is currently for me, the best thing ever!

As my life has changed, I have also made the choice to take a break for the summer from my polyamory blog. I will be putting my ducks in a row and figure out how and when I can continue with my beloved Poly Orange.

In the meantime,

Love and Be Loved

ThePolyOrange

The Productivity Conundrum or Ah! I don’t know what to do!

Last week I was on holiday with a friend in Lanzarote. A beautiful Canary Island full of tourists. We found ourselves in a resort with four different pools, a main one, a Kids one, but the one I care about the most, a ‘Quiet Zone’ Pool, with a  little cushion and benches area for ‘Adults only’. A large buffet with a special vegan corner for us. Bliss.

I loved going on these type of holidays as a child. All the activities, the tours around the island, playing GameBoy and reading books combined with copious amounts of food. This was very similar, except that I felt like I wasn’t doing enough. How can I relax when I haven’t even finished reading my book yet? Is there nothing better to do than enjoy the sun and a swim? Basically my mind was going crazy with this relaxing idea.

Luckily enough, my friend loves walking so we walked our 10.000 steps along the beach everyday. She told me that there is nothing to do here but relax. It was the purpose of our trip. So I kept myself from spending too much money and only purchased a couple of small gifts for close ones. We went on exploring trips around the Island. I finished reading my book and started a new one without the pressure of finishing it. I swam in the sea without it feeling like exercise but pure pleasure. And I got a tan.

Now I am at home with a few spare days left before my full-time course starts. I have chores etc that need to be done but all in all I have quite some time to, well relax. This morning started off well, I got up and did a few things like checking money, clearing up, getting started on an editing project. Then I was sitting there overwhelmed by the other things that I still have planned. I might have been sitting still but my mind was pacing up and down the room trying to figure out how to get myself to do these things on my list.

I remembered I wanted to go to the cinema and see a film before it stopped showing. Checked times. Decided on one. Decided on when to leave the house and how to combine the trip with grocery shopping, getting materials for my course (I am a sucker for a pretty notepad). Now I have a plan, and all is good. I feel I can stick to that plan and until then do other things that make me panic less, such as play a video game and write my next blog entry, well this one.

So here it is, a brief view on how I, a usually very organised person, deal with relaxation, productivity and planning.

Love and Be Loved

ThePolyOrange

WTF?

Well I am calm now but I wasn’t earlier.

You remember my friend whose girlfriend has never seen me yet was already worried about me tempting him?! Well when they originally got together I didn’t feel much like talking to my friend. I just didn’t want to see him. I was worried I was going to loose him to this new love, like I did previously with a friend.

And guess what, it looks like I was right. Today I got a call from my friend. He was really upset saying how he didn’t know what to do. His girlfriend had been applying a lot of pressure on him saying she wanted him to prove his love and that he would be faithful to her forever. She was also apparently no longer only worried about me but about his faithfulness in general.

This friend has already proved to me that he is in love with this girl and faithful to her before they were even really together. And now he is almost crying to me on the phone because he is worried she will leave him due to her own paranoia.

I suggested he’d write her a letter. I also suggested someone should make her face her own emotions. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. From personal experience: asking for support even if it makes you show that you are weak gets you more help than projecting your fear and building yourself a wall.

Anger is always a projection of other emotions. Or at least I believe so.

I then suggested to my friend that maybe we should put our friendship on hold so that he can be happy with her if it helps. So maybe that will happen now.

I still think the girl should face her true emotions and own up to them and not suppress someone else.

Funny, this was supposed to be a rant. Well I guess I just get really angry at people doing shit like this. It’s totally unfair and one should not tolerate it.

Furthermore: recently I wrote about waiting. I had a date last week right. I am still awaiting answer to a  text I answered to yesterday. Why do I not know how to be patient. Grrr. Oh well, distraction it is 🙂 Gaming.

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

1st October and now?

So my last few days have been a bit hectic. Trying to enjoy my last moments in the presence of the German, returning to London and starting Uni. All very intense.

Now I have decided to stick to my plan. Find out what I need. Then see about everything else. Uni seems good and I am confident I can make it. However in my world there is not much space for love right now. I feel like taking a step back. This time would be ideal to be alone if I wasn’t living with the Goth. I don’t really know what to do. I haven’t seen him in a while and am happy to be around him but not very into dealing with relationship stuff right now.

I guess it is time to be a bit selfish again. God, I need to relax. Only time will tell how well it will all work out. So bear with me, I will let you guys know how I am doing. I feel like I left the German in a good space where he is balanced and happy and can work and evolve all by himself without needing my help anymore. I feel like the Goth is able to give me a bit of space.

It looks good. But I am not 100% sure.

 

Until then.

Love and Be Loved,

 

ThePolyOrange