So I said previously I was going to write about this.
Well I have three stories to tell, my own, my German’s and my london lover’s.
Let’s start with my London lover’s, for future reference I am going to call him the Bald One (no offence, but it’s better since you went bald). Anyway so he told me in detail his history with BDSM and how he had a meet up with his friends and said he wanted to announce something. Apparently they all wondered what it could be and came up with very funny ideas.
So he took the challenge of facing all of his closest friends and telling them about his sexual preferences. He says that until now his mom has issues dealing with it and urges him to settle down with vanilla girl next door type. I totally understand that he does not see eye to eye with his mother. Neither do I, as you might well have noticed.
Here is how it happened to me. Thanks do my close relationship with my mother I was just always used to being open to people about it. As I discovered new fascinating things like BDSM, the Fetishscene, Open Relationships and Polyamory, I just talked to people about it, mainly my close friends and mother. By now I am so comfortable about al of this that if you will ask me what I did this weekend I won´t hesitate to tell you what sort of clubs I went to.
The German on the other hand is still in the closet, or at least partially. This is why this blog is kept away from almost everyone he could know. His closest friends don´t know much about his love or sexlife. In one group, he has slept with one girl and I doubt anyone else knows even though I have the suspicion that she has something going on with another guy from the group. Anyway I am amazed about how discreet these people are, it´s almost like being back home. Due to being with me he has mentioned to some of his closest, including his mum, that he is in an open relationship with me. He has also told them that I have two boyfriends. Mostly the reactions have been pretty smooth I would say. So his way of coming out is bit by bit when it comes to his friends.
But what about strangers and new acquaintances? The Bald One and I mainly go out in the Fetish Scene in London, so we are pretty settled in already when it comes to telling someone what you are into. Even saying you are poly has the common reaction of people knowing what it is and saying that is just doesn´t appeal to them. But The German has been on a few dates with a few women and until now he hasn´t found a way of saying, I have a girlfriend, am a dominant BDSM male and looking for fun and more. We discussed this yesterday. Where does ethical and your fun conflict, he said. When does he have to tell a woman about his relationship with me? Too early might scare her away and too late might make her feel cheated and used.
(I once told a guy soon after we had sex, we had sex three more times that night but I never saw him again after that.)
So when and how do we drop the poly bomb? The BDSM one can easily be hidden if one is ok with having vanilla sex in these situations but saying one is in a relationship or even multiple ones can easily alienate otherwise potential partners.
It is not easy to find the ethical balance without jeopardising one´s fun. I personally play with open cards from the very beginning and let people know about my situation as soon as there seems to be interest.
Finally an example. Wednesday the German went to the Sauna with a woman, around the same age as him. They share a hobby and thus know each other. She suggested going to the sauna, he agreed. They spent a few hours naked, in the whirlpool and cuddling talking about her sextoys.
When will he tell her about his situation?
I think that since they discussed a sexual and intimate topic on their first date, he should not wait for too long. Maybe see when first intimate physical contact is established, or attraction and emotional comfort is clear. He will have to find out on his own. I hope for him she won´t shy away.
But the poly BDSM people are not necessarily distinguishable from the vanilla monogamous people 😉
Love and Be Loved,