Heartbreak

Break ups don’t get easier. I have gone through many. Some hurt more than others. In this case, a partner of 5 months broke up with me. I was so happy, and so in love with him that he officially became a partner, instead of a boyfriend, quite quickly.

Two weeks ago, we were watching a film, and I spoiled a couple of things, and because he was a bit annoyed about it, I went internal for a bit to process and to calm myself to not spoil any more things. It felt like a good thing to do to sit back for a bit. My phone opened on an article I had left there for later reading. So I read it. It was an everdayfeminism.com article on women’s emotional labour (http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/06/emotional-labor-womens-lives/). As I read it I started crying. It resonated with me so strongly. He leaned over to check in and I requested that we keep watching the film but he insisted on talking to me. And it got a bit muddled and I said that I didn’t think he could relate to this. The next thing I know he has left my house without an explanation.

I wrote him to ask what was going on. He asked me to leave him alone but in my confusion I pushed. He then responded saying we were done. After two weeks of silence, he has confirmed that this is the case and he actually meant his last message to me. He also said he probably doesn’t want to talk about this as he doesn’t see the point.

I feel like I am 15 again. Blaming myself, asking myself what I did wrong. Wondering if or when I could contact him. What the best thing to do was. In the end, his message indicated that there was no right thing to do. He had made up his mind. I love him dearly still and feel like I would beg on my knees to have him back.

But I am 27, and I know that I am not the defining factor here, there are two of us and we both hurt each other. Yes, I made a mistake but I have now apologised. I wanted to talk so I could explain and apologise but he does not want this.  He doesn’t want to talk. I don’t get to know what went on inside his head, he doesn’t want to know what I thought or felt. I could learn a lot from knowing what he felt. I like growing after all. So I will grow by finding my own way of stopping the blaming questions in my head, the regret that forms a lump in my throat and the pain that’s twisting my heart.

 

Luckily enough so many wonderful people and partners are out there, who lovingly support me through this. I can only hope it will be another 5 years before I get dumped like this again.

Nice Guy / Bad Boy

We have heard it all: ‘But I am a nice guy!’ Or ‘Why do women want bad boys?’

This post is not about men complaining about this. It is more a thought about how black and white the dating world seems to see this. Having spend more time on OKC, reading profiles and various online dating horror stories, I started to think about my own behaviour in dating as well as a friend.

I am usually busy. In the last few months I added full time work, two new hobbies and a lover. Adding this to my existing partners, friends and other engagements, my schedule is rammed. Reevaluating my priorities and finding ways to split my time in a satisfactory manor is a hard an ongoing process. And then I drop the ball on people. I went on two OKC dates which were fun but I just forgot to respond or chase up and well, now there is silence, which just gets longer and the longer it is the harder it becomes to find the strength to respond, as now you need to apologise for the delay in responding. I might now be considered a bitch, or a ‘bad date’ or just anything negative really as I failed to communicate to these people that I am to busy to really date them. Ironically I have failed to communicate that I am too busy, because I am so busy. I have hurt people and been mean to them without meaning to do so. I still consider myself ‘nice’.

With most of our communication, including planning being done in writing, the main thing getting lost is tone. Is this short digital message really meant the way it sounds in my head? Will the person think I am rude? Do I sound too pressuring? Add to this that our communication about emotions and intentions in real life can be stifled, delayed or just inexistent. Honesty can be very scary. Silence is often easier then finding a way of letting someone down. Facing the pain you might cause is hard, just vanishing is easier, right?

So people go silent, feelings get hurt and Boom someone is a bad boy or a bitch. There are so many variables that influence someones behaviour. We like to find malicious intent where there might only have been carelessness or even fear. In cases like the ‘I am a nice guy, women only want bad boys’ trope, could it be that we want to see these bad boys/girls as more evil than they are to soothe ourselves or even to justify our own behaviour?

Someone I briefly dated who then became my friend did mention this ‘nice guy’ stuff a few times. I was at the time dating a person who was not really good to me, but who I know never intended to hurt me. My friend saw me suffer and wanted me to be with him, as he was ‘nicer’. We are no longer friends because in the end he was actually malicious to me. So who is really the ‘nice guy’?

It should really be kind not ‘nice’.  It would be kind to show understanding and forgiveness. It would be kind to be honest and respectful. It would be kind if dating would be easier 😉

 

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

 

 

You have more than I do!

‘But you have more partners than me!’

Ever encountered that? Or this one ‘You have multiple partners, you have nothing to complain about!’ ?

Since actively being poly, I have been confronted with all sorts of reactions to this lifestyle. Often when someone finds out it goes like this: ‘Do they know about each other?’ or ‘Well I could never share my partner.’ These are the kinds of replies that come from non poly people. Being called out on having multiple partners ‘and I have less’ kind of way, has mostly come from other poly people. A once dear friends didn’t want to talk to me about my unmet needs because I had two relationships and he had none. I couldn’t need more than two loving boyfriends when he didn’t even have so much as casual partners. How dare I complain?

That hurt. I was confused, because to me everyone’s problems always mattered. Yes, I might have two relationships that fill me with love and care but that doesn’t necessarily fix other needs I have unmet by both partners. So is this a less relevant problem than my friend being frustrated about being single? Didn’t we both want someone to fulfil a need? And does it even matter if our problems were both exactly the same? He was unhappy and so was I. I couldn’t experience how he felt, after all I am not in his mind but I could see his pain. This pain my friend was in that I wanted to help fix.

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I have now come to despise those kind of phrases. I do have multiple partners, but it takes a lot of effort to gain and maintain these relationships. I also have certain privileges that others don’t. I often find myself very grateful for these privileges but I feel crap about them when somebody tells me ‘You live with your partner and I don’t.’ It is even worse when somebody uses it not only as a comparison but in a way that could apply pressure: ‘You have more partners than me, share!’

It can be difficult to be around people who seem to have more. On a particularly low day, I see something I wanted, and my friend has it, so now I want it too, really bad. I get reminded of how much I need this thing. It hurts that I don’t have it and compersion become the most difficult thing. Being happy for your friends for what they have.

We can not always be happy for others. We can be aware of their happiness and know that even if we say something silly or hurtful they will forgive us. If it gets that bad that your friends happiness turns you bitter and angry, then your friendship is in trouble. That is when the lashing out, the seeming lack of support becomes a destructive force, rather than a small easily mended mistake. The strong friendships weather storms. In my case, as always with open and honest communication. This case here though, of these sentences about having more, I understand where they come from so I don’t always need to discuss them. Unfortunately that does not mean the hurt cause by the sentence is erased.

Love and Be Loved

ThePolyOrange

First contact

New Year, New Adventures, New Problems, New Experiences, New Opportunities.

My first big adventure this year was a trip to Germany to commemorate a friend. It was a weekend of Goodbye’s but also Welcome’s. For the first few nights I was staying with a man I had met shortly after I got together with the German back over 2 years ago. We seemed to always like each other but for various reasons we were never able to spend much time together. Well this weekend we did, and it was lovely. Due to the reasons for my trip, my mood was complex and we failed to connect quite as intimately as we’d hoped.

Thursday evening was filled with hours of chatting to each other about life, love and lust. It can be incredible fun to sit around and discuss each others experiences and expectations. It can also be uncomfortable, not necessarily awkward but individually, internally it can sting. Someone you are really into shares details of their sexuality with you. A lot of it sounds delicious but some things raise worries about incompatibility. Sexual preferences, kinky practices that the other finds essential, you do not. Does this mean you will clash? Does it mean an intimate encounter will be unsatisfying for both of you? Is this all already doomed?Frist Contact

On that evening, while talking about many things, we were not open about these kind of concerns. As the weekend progressed, my mind got heavier and I wasn’t feeling intimate anymore. A lot more talking happened, around how tricky sexual encounters can be, and how it would just be easier to communicate during. We both felt how social conventions were restricting sexuality with ridiculous concepts of how it all should be. Obvious example: heterosexual sex is penis in vagina with simultaneous orgasms. This is a man who understands, and is capable of the importance of honest and clear communication. He also, in his very own way, rejects social conventions and insists on being individual and adaptable (if he wasn’t at least a little like this, I doubt would like him for anything more than his looks).

When dating, sharing experiences and desires can be very titillating. There is a risk of reducing excitement, but unless you try out and talk, you are unlikely to find a real answer. More often than not there are ways of adapting preferences and fantasies to make for a satisfying and interesting encounter. As usually with me, the rule is communication (If reading much of my blog, one might have noticed that by now).

Sunday morning there was tensions, we both felt it. I am incredibly grateful for both of us opening up, then and there to each other, to prevent an ending filled with frustration and resent. Primarily we told each other how we felt, and where we were standing. To the happiness of both of us, we agreed. For many reasons, and amazing people, I might have to come back to Germany, yet again!

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

Chemistry Connections

Over the last few months, I have met quite a few new people as well as tried to move closer to some people I already know. Throughout all of this, I felt a lot of different emotions ranging from excitement to fear. I was also very happy at different points.

I was wondering if I had stretched myself too far recently. I was at one point dreading seeing somebody. I felt pressured to be social, and/or sexual. Maybe I should take a step back.

I actually felt pressured about two new people I was seeing. One was for a second date which was set to be at home, and made me quite worried about having to play. The other, I had been seeing for a while but was not as excited about anymore. I felt confused and scared.

At the same time, I had a wonderful first date with someone. The Chemistry was very clear. It was quite overwhelming to feel this way, in the middle of all these other things.  It made me wonder if maybe I was “settling” in a way for the less intense moments due to my pursuit of this strength of chemistry.

The more I analysed these feelings, the more I realised that it wasn’t about all of it being too much, but that it was about each individual person.

I got up the courage to discuss some of these things with the people it concerned, and thanks to their support and honesty, the pressure was lifted.

The intensity of chemistry was something I have desired for a while, but it didn’t directly change my feelings about anyone else. I was worried I would want to discard others because of certain intensities, but I didn’t. It just helped me put things in perspective, but it also gave me the courage to discuss how I felt.

Each relationship with each person felt separate from the others. They are only impacted by each other due to restrictions of time, a day does only have 24hrs. But in general, I learned to look at everyone individually and look at how I felt towards them, allowing me to appreciate them all the more.

Chemistry and Connections are always different, unique, special. Individuals coming together to create something singular, original rare.

 

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

 

 

 

Losing a Friend

I have many reasons for writing about this, but the one I feel fits this best, is because it will help me clear my head. Or at least I hope so.

I do not like writing about negative things without much of a hopeful outlook. I do not think this topic will much revolve around hope. I am just stating this first.

Since starting my blog, I have lost the German, my Father, my Grandmother and a Friend. The one that seems to stick the most is the latter. The German, I really loved and I needed to get away, so I hated him to gain distance and now I can look at things more positively as well as appreciate all the good things that came from his presence in my life. My Father was going to suffer even more and death came as a release. My Grandmother had the chance to say Goodbye to her loved once, and vice versa, she was in not too much pain and she was released quickly.

Now to my friend. He just changed. To the point where we are no longer compatible. There was an event that kicked things off, and at first I needed distance but because I missed him, I tried to reach out to him a few times, without success. I don’t find it important to say what exactly happened. What I can’t wrap my head around is how to deal with this. I have lost friends before because I did stupid respectless things. I have hurt many friends because of stupid respectless things and I was lucky to be forgiven and to still enjoy their presence.

When I hurt people I care about, especially because I was careless, I tend to want to make things up to them as quickly and as best as possible. I hate feeling guilty because I have wronged people. However, this is also triggered when I get accused of having done things, I can’t be certain I did, for example if I was not aware of them. Because I know, I often don’t catch signals and boundaries, I can be very paranoid about being out of line. So if someone close to me is upset, I feel small and stupid and beg for forgiveness because I believe their accusations of me without questioning them. Having this reaction makes it sometimes difficult to stand up for myself, when I am innocent.

My friend did something stupid and so did I, more precisely it comes down to bad communication, and really a tiny thing that over time festered and got blown out of proportion by nit picking and over analysing. By the end, I just wanted things to stop and kept apologising. I finally gave up because The Goth pointed out that it seemed there was was no improvement coming from his side. I was still questioning myself and my communication with him and The Goth made it clear to me that there was nothing I could do. I had to let it go.

This has now been over a month ago, and I still can’t let it go. I find myself wanting to write something, to try to get through to him. No, don’t do that, ever. Because as many now have pointed out, there is no point. I have to find a way of remembering the good times we shared and accepting that we have both changed. There may be a future where change makes it possible for us to respect each other again but for now, do the thing where you let it go. (Kind of talking to myself now)

The scariest part of this all is how quickly and how drastically my friend changed. In February there was a discussion we had where he already displayed some extreme views, which I didn’t understand. That was the last time we had a proper chat about anything. I wish I could see inside his brain to see what is going on, and if there was anything I could do to fix anything. Here, I just have to take a step back and leave it be. As with all the other break ups, losses etc, I hope to eventually reach the point where I can love the happy memories again and appreciate him for all the good he brought to my life once.

Love and Be Loved

ThePolyOrange

P.S. Definitely cathartic.

Living with the Primary

Since about 6 months, the Goth and I have been living together, just the two of us. Until now we have, with the exception of a month or two, always shared with other housemates.

I was always under the impression that moving in with a partner was such a huge step but I realise now that this idea has mainly been portrayed by the media concerning people who have never shared their living space before, in which case moving in with a partner can be very intense. Everyone in this situation worries about what happens if there is a big fight, if you get sick of each other in such a small space, or if you break up; because moving house sucks and so does sleeping on the couch (if you have one).

But on the other hand, living together is no piece of cake either. It requires a lot of sacrifices and compromises. I find it also needs understanding of each other. I am still baffled by how the Goth can simply not realise that there is an empty bottle or a dirty dish or a wrapper lying around that could be taken to the kitchen, the bin, the recycling. The main thing I have realised is how very different the Goths mind operates to mine. Living together, just the two of us has helped me understand him more which results in being able to respond to him better and communicating more effectively about chores, as well as emotions.

However, given the dynamics of our polyamorous relationship, we do also limit each others dating possibilities by sharing a living space. Understandably, the Goth does not want me to engage in intimate activities with other partners when he is in the flat and I feel the same. Thus we discuss schedule, dates, sleep overs etc in advance to make sure each others boundaries are respected, as well as the needs of our other partners. Given that the first interaction for our schedule is focused on the two of us, I use the word primary to describe him to others. This is something I do like to explain, as I do not wish to rank my partners, as well as I do not wish to be ranked. My priorities for the Goth are primarily logistic, hence the title of this post.

All in all for our relationship it has been very constructive for our general stability and the understanding of each other, which is what has lead me to reflect on this topic.

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange