I have a confession to make

Over the years, growing more into polyamory, being intimate on various levels with many different people, I have finally come to terms with one thing: I am not a cuddler.

Don’t get me wrong, I love hugs. I love hugging people as a greeting, as a lovely intimate moment of connection. I love feeling the persons heartbeat against my body, breathing in and out together, feeling the comfort. they-do-love-to-cuddle-imgurBut cuddles? That is a tricky area for me. I like to cuddle for a few minutes at a time, maybe only 30 seconds. I don’t like skin on skin, as it gets sticky and sweaty really quickly. Also often my shoulder ends up hurting if I lie on it weirdly trying to snuggle someone. A little here and there is good but I always felt that the message about cuddles is : ‘More is always better’ or ‘There can never be enough’ cuddles or ‘Cuddles always help’.¬†Cuddle piles and ‘Send cuddles’ status updates seem so lovely, but for me it doesn’t sit right.As it is a huge part of the loving poly community, I thought for a long time I needed to love cuddles as much as everyone else seems to. There was cuddle pressure. I have recently admitted to myself that this is not on my ‘likes’ list. I put the pressure on myself. The loving poly community loves me as I am, cuddles or no cuddles.

Love hugs, love kisses, don’t like cuddling. Limited Cuddle Time available – Book now. Or something.

I feel like a cat – independent and stroppy. I want a bit of petting now and when I have had enough I will scratch you and wander off. And this is in no way a judgement or grumble at people who love cuddling. Please go forth and enjoy all the cuddles! ūüôā


I don’t really know why I wrote this post – Random Post Achievement Unlocked!


Love and Be Loved,


Losing a Friend

I have many reasons for writing about this, but the one I feel fits this best, is because it will help me clear my head. Or at least I hope so.

I do not like writing about negative things without much of a hopeful outlook. I do not think this topic will much revolve around hope. I am just stating this first.

Since starting my blog, I have lost the German, my Father, my Grandmother and a Friend. The one that seems to stick the most is the latter. The German, I really loved and I needed to get away, so I hated him to gain distance and now I can look at things more positively as well as appreciate all the good things that came from his presence in my life. My Father was going to suffer even more and death came as a release. My Grandmother had the chance to say Goodbye to her loved once, and vice versa, she was in not too much pain and she was released quickly.

Now to my friend. He just changed. To the point where we are no longer compatible. There was an event that kicked things off, and at first I needed distance but because I missed him, I tried to reach out to him a few times, without success. I don’t find it important to say what exactly happened. What I can’t wrap my head around is how to deal with this. I have lost friends before because I did stupid respectless things. I have hurt many friends because of stupid respectless things and I was lucky to be forgiven and to still enjoy their presence.

When I hurt people I care about, especially because I was careless, I tend to want to make things up to them as quickly and as best as possible. I hate feeling guilty because I have wronged people. However, this is also triggered when I get accused of having done things, I can’t be certain I did, for example if I was not aware of them. Because I know, I often don’t catch signals and boundaries, I can be very paranoid about being out of line. So if someone close to me is upset, I feel small and stupid and beg for forgiveness because I believe their accusations of me without questioning them. Having this reaction makes it sometimes difficult to stand up for myself, when I am innocent.

My friend did something stupid and so did I, more precisely it comes down to bad communication, and really a tiny thing that over time festered and got blown out of proportion by nit picking and over analysing. By the end, I just wanted things to stop and kept apologising. I finally gave up because The Goth pointed out that it seemed there was was no improvement coming from his side. I was still questioning myself and my communication with him and The Goth made it clear to me that there was nothing I could do. I had to let it go.

This has now been over a month ago, and I still can’t let it go. I find myself wanting to write something, to try to get through to him. No, don’t do that, ever. Because as many now have pointed out, there is no point. I have to find a way of remembering the good times we shared and accepting that we have both changed. There may be a future where change makes it possible for us to respect each other again but for now, do the thing where you let it go. (Kind of talking to myself now)

The scariest part of this all is how quickly and how drastically my friend changed. In February there was a discussion we had where he already displayed some extreme views, which I didn’t understand. That was the last time we had a proper chat about anything. I wish I could see inside his brain to see what is going on, and if there was anything I could do to fix anything. Here, I just have to take a step back and leave it be. As with all the other break ups, losses etc, I hope to eventually reach the point where I can love the happy memories again and appreciate him for all the good he brought to my life once.

Love and Be Loved


P.S. Definitely cathartic.


It is not surprising that my first post in the New Year is entitled `Resolutions`. However cliché it might be, I did make some resolutions this Tuesday.

In three intense weeks of Holidays, almost completely spent in the presence of the German, I came across some issues I have been having for a long time. These issues are mainly behavioral manners of mine that need improvements.

I don’t like making resolutentertainment-career-resolutionsions on New Year’s itself. One should make resolutions all year round and not put them off until December. If one really wishes to make some changes, one should be able to take that decision at any point. I see some problems with making resolutions to quit smoking, or get healthier just because everyone else does. If I wish to quit smoking, which I almost completely have (2 in the last 3 weeks), I will do so whenever I feel ready.

If your heart and your mind are not¬†behind¬†your decision, you are bound to fail. And let’s face it, some resolutions are difficult enough to just make as it it.

Mine were not. The realisation that I needed to make them however was.  During this period spent with the German almost  24/7, he held up a very honest mirror to me a few times about my behaviour towards him and in general. I did not like what I saw. I did not like myself being condescending or unable to see or respect others boundaries.

People have told me that I ‘wear the trousers’ in my relationships. I have heard that so many times I have lost count a long time ago. I never really understood this because I loved my partners to bits and when I was alone with them I could be extremely loving and supportive. However when we were around people I would become this patronising alpha bitch that would put them down and makes them look insignificant. The German is the first to tell me that he would not tolerate this behaviour. Well actually he said that he would refuse to dom me if I needed to behave that way. And for someone I see as my Master to say something like this, made things very real very fast.

Spending three weeks together when you are usually used to it being 2-4 days is quite the test. I was having a really rough time juggling happy family time, the Germans needs and boundaries and my dad being in the hospital. I broke down twice, and twice the German was there to help me even though it was me who wronged him initially which triggered my breakdowns.

On New Year’s Eve I got too drunk. I was having a great time but the evening ended with me being a bitch to the German, not respecting his needs or let alone his boundaries. Very easy resolution there: No more drinking. At least for as long as I can and then go back to having an occasional drink rather than constantly drinking lightly.

That is not the most important resolution of that night, not even close. I have decided to become much more aware of the needs of the people around me. I want them to see mine so I will try and see theirs. I want people to respect my boundaries so I will try and respect theirs.

So I made some conscious choices to change my behaviour when with my partners in public and widen my awareness of other peoples needs.

The Bald One always says that being aware and being able to state your issues is the biggest step to resolving them. Leaving Denial is a huge part of changing anything. However what follows next is just as important. To not forget our decisions and keep them at the back of our head at all times so that we can change what we made the decision to change.

I wish everyone the strength to stick to their resolutions, old or new. It is never easy to try to grow but I respect everyone thoroughly who has the will to.

Love and Be Loved,


Those three words

We all know those three words. For some they are a way to connect, for others a way to ensure a bond and for other they are the three words of doom.

Saying ‘I love you’ for the first time is always risky. The one to say it first has to step up to the fact that the other one might not react well. They might say it themselves, they might not or worst of all it might push them away.

I have encountered people that plain simply refuse to say those words because who they are most comfortable being, the person they want to be, does not get emotionally attached. I assume most of the time that this is a defense mechanism created from pain felt in the past. There might be different reasons but either way I think one should not deny ones feelings, ever. But denial can be a more comfortable zone than reality, unfortunately.

The three words used to escape me very fast. I was not able to handle NRE (New Relationship Energy) all that well and got carried away by hormones easily.

By now I spent a lot more time reflecting my own emotions and become more precise about expressing them, in timing and phrasing.

Still I tend to utter those words first. I don’t remember when I first spoke them to the German. We discussed the three words, literally, so using those exact words and so eventually 3 took on a new meaning. I believe it was on the day we knew each other for 5 months that I said it when we were out dancing. I might be wrong. Anyway, until this day I tend to say it more often. However the change he has gone through is quite extraordinary.

The German has achieved and conquered emotional things he was dealing with and I am insanely proud of him. He confided in me and I tried to support him as good as I could and he seems to radiate with happiness these days. I feel thoroughly loved, supported and cared for at the moment.

It makes me very happy that he freely expresses his feelings to me which is something not everyone can do.

But back to my topic. Being in love is risky, like I mentioned before. Saying it out loud even more. This adds the risk of overuse. Will it lose it’s intensity or meaning if ‘I love you’ is repeated too many times and said in “trivial” ways?

The Goth and I use them plenty. At least once a day, often to terminate a phone call. The German and I still use them sparingly and in moments where, for me, they are felt deeply.

I do remember when I first said it to the Goth, and he thought it was weird. It was just before we had sex, sober and intensely for the first time. I didn’t want to say it afterwards, aware of how cuddly and emotional good sex can make me. I guess I am a little weird sometimes.

The three words, those exact ones. I find the english language very limiting. In German and my mother tongue, there are various ways of expressing it, often changing the tone and intensity. I love a lot of people in my life but saying ‘I love you’ seems to not have the right connotation. My Guardian knows that our love has a different feel to it than typical couple love. We are not in a relationship, do however have a deep bond that is important an cherished by both.

Blade as well. I care about him deeply. I believe he knows (by now he does, since he is probably reading this at some point). It would not occur to say those words though to him. He is another one of those people who is very careful about expressing emotions however I see him as in unity with his feelings and selfaware.

My life entails so many different relationships. Recently in a poly chat, I explained my situation and someone said that my other fuckbuddies, lovers etc were not part of being poly. Well why the hell not? Being poly is a mindset for me, not defined by how many people I have a relationship with. I do not define being poly by my boyfriends. I do not define love by ‘I love you’.

I feel love. I live love. And I hope the people I love know that. If not, ask me!

Love and Be Loved,


Selfless vs Trust

Recently I have become active again on a german erotic dating website. More precisely, I set up a couples profile with the German and have been reading around their polyamorous forum.

I got involved in two threads mainly about Jealousy and the idea of ‘The One’. A man replied to my writings personally in a private message.

When asking if people do actually not get  jealous sharing their partners, this man replied saying trust was the primary thing he cared for. He did not expect anyone to love him back, or give anything in return. No. He just cared that trust was reciprocal and remained unbroken.

In our messages we picked up the theme of selfless love. I am sure a lot of you are familiar with the concept of loving someone without expecting anything in return. I can not do this. Not yet. I am trying to teach myself to expect less and less, to take things as they come and enjoy what’s there rather than making it something it’s not. People come into your life and the worst you can do is put them in a box, try and fit them into a specific role in your life to fulfil your own idea of what they and your life should be. The Goth might not be poly, but this is very present within him and makes him a lot wiser than me. I may not put people in a box but I prefer my needs to be fulfilled by the ones I love, which often applies unnecessary pressure onto them.

Selfless love is incredibly difficult and I admire anyone who can achieve it. I am personally worried to be abused, which has happened to me before. The man I was writing with responded saying, that one may love selflessly but if nothing is given in return the love is likely to fade away. Protecting oneself when in love is very essential to me. As much as I give myself and my heart intensely and freely, I am careful to see the ones I love in a clear light, trying to prevent exhausting myself. Falling in love is never without risk.

But beneath the love is trust, the basis for all healthy relationships. If trust is broken, it has a serious impact. Trust does not come back lightly so be careful where you tread. Here again communication will be your saviour. If you know where the boundaries are, it is easier to stay inside them than if you don’t. If you have established them with all the parties wellbeing involved, it makes it easier to have a dynamic constant happy state. Pure Logic, right ūüėČ

Love and Be Loved,


External Influences

A few interesting things happenend over the last 48h and I just now I realised I can summarize them as External influences.

For some “unknown” reason, I have always reacted strongly to my closest friends and families opinion about my partners. The core of my relationships (friends and family and partners) is one of my main focuses and sources of comfort and support. Naturally when someone new enters the equation I get nervous about how all the elements evolved will relate.

Usually those things have gone pretty smoothly. If not there has been some issues, especially concerning my parental Unit. And having to just see your partner outside or at your friends house puts a strain on a young relationship.

Fortunately this man turned out to be not worth the time and effort I put in, but one is always smarter in the end.

I am fairly nervous about Christmas this year. The German finally gets to see my world. Until now, we have only spent time together in Germany, and now he will meet, family friends and my London based entourage all withhin 10 days. It will be a strong test to our relationship to spent that much time under that much stress to together.

I doubt any of my core will clash.

However, very recently, as in last night, I was told something that rather upset me. My lover Blade from back home and I have been discussing our next meet up. Him and his lover Fantasy have asked me if I wanted to go to this Kinky Party in Germany around Christmas. It is where I met the German, and except for him there was not much of a good party… I gave my opinion on the event and as confirmed this weekend, that the German and I would not want to go there again.

I mentioned that the German and I will most likely go to the Swinger Club that Blade and Fantasy introduced me to a few months back. Of course the topic of them joining us arose. Blade was impressed with my ease to make new friends and asked me to support him with such connections if we were to go together again. However he mentioned that Fantasy had her doubts about joining us due to the way the German and I usually are intimate. Penetrative Sex not being a certainty made her unsure.

A few months back, I would have totally understood that. It is only thanks to the German that I am perfectly happy exploring bodies and sexuality without intercourse.

Back to the story at hand. After I said that we wouldn’t have to have just sex with each other, Blade mentioned that usually that is the case. So how am I going to show him my friendmaking skills?! Also there are always a few interesting single men among the “wanky” men around who one could include, or just plainly another couple. Furthermore there was the first evening I met Fantasy where both her and I shared Blade.

I’m trying to not get worked up over this, especially since I did not talk to her personally. However still in the process of adapting to the German’s sexuality, it hurts deeply that frustration arises now from an external source, influencing me and restricting my hopeful plans for my Christmas Break.

Slightly clueless about this, and aware that this can seem like passive aggressiveness (Blade reads my blog usually) I will work on reestablishing my inner balance as I do not wish this to put any strain on my sexual evolution with the German.

As much as external influences can be reasonable and helpful, they can also unnecessarily damage a relationship (I take a lot of these things to heart). I respect her views and expectations when she goes out swinging. Maybe the two couples are not ready yet to interact that intimately together and a little patience is in order.

I find a lot of the time a little patience and distance calm helps my mind settle. Taking a step back, gaining a new point of view and reestablishing what you already know and is comforting for you. I am sure this will help and I will feel a lot better very soon.


Love and BeLoved



Positive Negative

After watching Brené Browns TED Talk, I realised I wanted to write about this for a while.

In 7th grade my religion teacher gave us a task in which we had to write down 3 events from our childhood, all positive. Now some of you may know that I have not had a very smooth childhood as my father was struck by a brain¬†hemorrhage¬†when I was 4. He spent a lot of time in hospital and is now¬†permanently¬†mentally as well as physically handicapped. At the age of 12 I was sitting in that classroom going, well what will I write about since all I could think about where sad stories about my dad’s illness.

Recently I gave this subject more thought. Think back over the last few years and see how many positive things come to mind and how many negative ones?

I have had a very good year so currently my head is filled with beautiful memories and exhilarating hopes. However usually one remembers the bad stuff. Like how unsatisfied I felt during my time at my previous Uni and how I can already feel the same emotions rising again.

Wondering why this is, my only conclusion was: basic human instinct, survival as best as we can. Best includes happiness and satisfaction as well as well being. Just because our memories are negative does not mean we are negative people. To me it simply means those are things that have marked us and we want to avoid similar pain in the future.

But really wouldn’t it be nicer if we mainly remembered the beautiful, magnificent and happy experiences? I am an optimist, even a rather intense one and to match that I will try and remind myself more of the amazing things that I had the pleasure to be a part of, without ignoring the painful ones, as it is all of your past from which you can grow not just positive and negative.

We are past, present and future. A whole package, deep down.

Love and Be Loved,




After my last visit to Germany in October I started getting random texts from the German asking me if anyone had already told me that I was a wonderful woman today.

Those messages really cheered me up, put a smile on my face and made me feel very loved.

I started thinking a few days later when I was with the Bald One. Actually it takes hardly a few seconds to send a text like that and your loved one feels loved and probably a bit happier.

On the other hand it only takes a few seconds to answer a call, this may be an important call while in company of more “trivial” people or a more trivial call while in company of important people. When one texts, Facebooks, takes calls or just plain smartphones while with people one makes a statement. A statement of priority, of commitment.

It is thus rather important to consider what statement one makes by being in contact with other people than the ones present.

(I am a bit lost in where I am going with this) Basically I have become much more aware of commitment and priorities. I have a very adaptable daily life and can easily get carried away when dating someone. Often these individuals do not have half the time I have, and I am not their main priority, which is fairly normal for my lifestyle anyway. It always helps me when my partners make me aware of this, that they can not dedicate a huge chunk of their life to me, however they still want me in it. The Lumberjack is one of these cases. He send me an text explaining in detail that he had little time for me but still wanted to see me. He just wanted to avoid seeing me under pressure or out of guilt and ruin something fun, as he put it.

Knowing where your priorities lie helps you find a balance for your life. Communicating those priorities makes it easier for the other people involved in your life to create those intersections between their life and yours to the satisfaction of all parties involved. ( this just feels like dribble ?!) It took me a while to figure out what I need. I wrote extensively about my need for solitude. Recently I realised my need for intimacy has been neglected. Physical closeness is something I have had almost constantly in the last 6 years. Now with both my relationships being distant in one way or another that habit has started to vanish and left a hole like going off a drug would.

So there came a change in priority. Finding a way to reconnect with the Goth without neglecting my private space. Building a more intimate relationship with the Bald One has also arise after our evening out this weekend.

Priorities and commitment are fluid, they change, morph as we go along. Priorities, for me change more often. I don’t like having a strict first, second etc placement. I don’t like having that in my relationships either. But there is a clear few things I am more focused on than others.

When it comes to actual commitment, this means more to me. If I commit to someone, they do become a priority but a more permanent one. They become a part of the whole. I will do a lot for them if they need me. I will rarely say no.

Commitment does not mean marriage, relationship, monogamy or something like that. I don’t need words for it. There is usually a moment where I make it clear that someone is part of that whole. With the Goth it was when I broke off my other relationship, with the German I just stated one day that when talking about him i called him my German boyfriend and he didn’t object. I commit to my friends in various ways, most recent examples: I decided to initiate a change with the Bald One and with my friend from home I committed to letting him break off our friendship to save his relationship, promising I would still be there for him if he ever wanted it to change back (I did not promise to mock him for it though).

The more I experience being poly the more I feel the constant dynamics in life and how letting things change, evolve and flow can lead to extraordinary situations, encounters, moments.

Love and Be Loved,



Selfless Love

What does Love mean for you?

Can you love selflessly? Do you want to love selflessly? Without expecting anything in return?

Florent Pagny seems to think so : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-gh2hIRhkc

Alanis Morisette as well : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jD6Lo_7HCm0


But is it really that easy? Is it even doable?

Ever since I discovered Polyamory I knew that selfless love had to come in to some degree. Being poly means not being possessive, letting your love be who they are, giving them freedom. But you do also care about them. So what are you going to do if they want you not to worry when they feel down and need their own space; when you barely get a word out of them and just have to be patient and wait, knowing that they are currently unhappy?

You want them to let you know they are doing alright. You want to help yet they won’t let you.

And all that is still the White Knight stuff. What about needs, wants, wishes? Shall you just wait and hope that they are willing to do something nice for you as well? I guess there is selfless love and unrequited love. Selfless love takes a lot of maturity, knowing when your own health and wellbeing are on the line, when things go to far, when you have become someones slave.

In my relationships I am not loving selflessly. I am trying to give my partners what they desire but I do still very much want them to take care of me in return. I recently had a talk with the German where I broke down due to me feeling like he was lecturing me about selfless love. It sounded like he was saying he was loving me this way and I was not capable of doing the same. Of course this is how it sounded in my head. He confirmed that he himself is just the same: aspiring it but not quite capable of.

I think the sort of love I am aspiring to is more of a enjoy-what-you-have-without-forcing-it. Like with the Lumberjack, who recently texted me saying he is very very very busy and we will probably meet up once a month or so, again something we don’t want to force out of guilt or stress etc.

I started thinking about this even before my breakfast since the German is currently unresponsive and I know what that means. I am hoping he will soon feel better but until then, like my best friend said, even though about a completely different topic, twiddle with your thumbs and wait. Ah Patience, the one thing I find oh so very hard to learn.


Love and Be Loved, and have a good weekend!


Guilt update

I am sorry for projecting my frustrations and feeling angry. I am at the moment unable to feel anything different. Just anger. It’s not their fault nor their responsibility.

I feel guilty for feeling angry, for having those needs. I feel guilty for all of it. And I don’t know how to handle it at the moment. I feel guilty for throwing it all onto someone. I feel guilty for getting angry about what he said even though he just wanted to help me. I feel guilty for not loving selflessly… I feel guilty for feeling to horrible. Damn visious cycle. Sorry. Nothing is working out today.