Female Friendship

Growing up I never had many girlfriends, like friends who are girls. I had one which was my neighbour until I moved out of that area of town in primary school and then another one, who is still a friend for now almost 15 years.

But for a long period, especially as a teenager and in my early 20’s, I was convinced that I didn’t like other women. I wasn’t girly and didn’t like fashion or whatever else girls typically talk about. Because it is that simple, and women are that one dimensional, right?

Over the last couple of years I have gained many more girlfriends. I not only enjoy the company of women but I actively seek it. We have so much to share, and I don’t mean make up tips (although that is another great thing about having women as friends), I mean life experiences, how we perceive and are perceived by society, how we handle the dating world, how we deal with men, how we see and deal with our bodies, like stuff about sex, food, clothes, drag queens, Ghostbusters (now with female leads) and periods!

I am so excited to be able to talk about these things not only openly (I did that anyway before) but to people who can contribute, engage, challenge and enrich these discussions.

Now as to why I never used to like women – patriarchy! Well it is my main suspicion. I always wanted to be one of the boys, because girls were stupid. Femininity is silly. I also wanted to be attractive to men, and be admired by them, and be on their good side because that makes life easier. I was so obsessed with appealing to men that I never learned the beauty of female friendship, because as much as I would love to, men just don’t understand many of the things women experience (and vice versa).

Well now, and mostly thanks to my increasing awareness of society’s stereotypes, internalised misogyny and well feminism stuff in general, I care less about the approval of men and more about my own being as a woman in our society. I also delight in being in a mutually supportive environment with people who care and understand the things I care about. I love my angry feminist friends, the queer, vegan, femme, crazy, kinky, poly, loving, caring, creative, supportive, wonderful and amazing women in my life! (insert more labels and adjectives that fit)

And I love that we openly talk about periods, even around men, and that is totally cool and amazing. Feels like such a small thing but it is quite groundbreaking to me!

Nice Guy / Bad Boy

We have heard it all: ‘But I am a nice guy!’ Or ‘Why do women want bad boys?’

This post is not about men complaining about this. It is more a thought about how black and white the dating world seems to see this. Having spend more time on OKC, reading profiles and various online dating horror stories, I started to think about my own behaviour in dating as well as a friend.

I am usually busy. In the last few months I added full time work, two new hobbies and a lover. Adding this to my existing partners, friends and other engagements, my schedule is rammed. Reevaluating my priorities and finding ways to split my time in a satisfactory manor is a hard an ongoing process. And then I drop the ball on people. I went on two OKC dates which were fun but I just forgot to respond or chase up and well, now there is silence, which just gets longer and the longer it is the harder it becomes to find the strength to respond, as now you need to apologise for the delay in responding. I might now be considered a bitch, or a ‘bad date’ or just anything negative really as I failed to communicate to these people that I am to busy to really date them. Ironically I have failed to communicate that I am too busy, because I am so busy. I have hurt people and been mean to them without meaning to do so. I still consider myself ‘nice’.

With most of our communication, including planning being done in writing, the main thing getting lost is tone. Is this short digital message really meant the way it sounds in my head? Will the person think I am rude? Do I sound too pressuring? Add to this that our communication about emotions and intentions in real life can be stifled, delayed or just inexistent. Honesty can be very scary. Silence is often easier then finding a way of letting someone down. Facing the pain you might cause is hard, just vanishing is easier, right?

So people go silent, feelings get hurt and Boom someone is a bad boy or a bitch. There are so many variables that influence someones behaviour. We like to find malicious intent where there might only have been carelessness or even fear. In cases like the ‘I am a nice guy, women only want bad boys’ trope, could it be that we want to see these bad boys/girls as more evil than they are to soothe ourselves or even to justify our own behaviour?

Someone I briefly dated who then became my friend did mention this ‘nice guy’ stuff a few times. I was at the time dating a person who was not really good to me, but who I know never intended to hurt me. My friend saw me suffer and wanted me to be with him, as he was ‘nicer’. We are no longer friends because in the end he was actually malicious to me. So who is really the ‘nice guy’?

It should really be kind not ‘nice’.  It would be kind to show understanding and forgiveness. It would be kind to be honest and respectful. It would be kind if dating would be easier 😉

 

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

 

 

It’s never too late to apologies?!

We all make mistakes. We all say or do the wrong thing sometimes. Sometimes when we are intoxicated, sometimes when we are angry, and sometimes just because we didn’t think things through enough. I feel like I have recently put my foot in it a few times, often in larger social situation with many people present. Often there was a lot going on and come the next day, I don’t really remember what or how I behaved necessarily but something felt off. I felt ashamed afterwards. I get flashbacks of stupid things I said or foolish things I did. Then comes the guilt. ‘I should probably apologies’.

If I do apologies a few things happen. I admit guilt (which I probably should) but I also bring the incident up again for the people I might have upset. If something major happened, it is very important to me to make amends but what about those times you just said something inappropriate at the wrong time? Or you just put your foot in it and made someone uncomfortable? Is it worth reminding someone of a bad moment when the rest of the event was fun? Will that tarnish the memory?

What if your guilt binds you in silence for a while and the occurrence has faded from memory. If you make a point to apologise you end up reminding someone of something bad or hurtful they have long forgotten. Some things should be left in rest.

Is it always worth apologising? When you apologise you do not only make a gesture towards peace but you also show an expectation of forgiveness. But you can not expect forgiveness yet you put pressure on the one you wronged. You are also expecting time and attention when they might just want to forget. You apologise not only for them but for you. You want to be heard and forgiven. They might not want to listen or even be reminded. Could your apology cost more than it’s worth? Could it be your guilt is much bigger than the actual incident? I do tend to worry too much about certain things.

I have for a few personal instances come to the conclusion that getting that weight off my chest would do more harm than good. I made a stupid minor mistake and I can do more right by these people if I behave better and more caring in the future rather than stir up an unpleasant memory. Hopefully I can make amends in showing care and support in the future.

Love and Be Loved.

ThePolyOrange

Advice and how to avoid getting it

We have all given and received advice.  We have all ignored advice.  We also have been frustrated by people ignoring our advice. But have you given up on giving someone advice because the person you are trying to help is refusing to accept any of it? I have been that person recently. With the death of my father, the break-up with the German and the Goths new love, I have been one hell of a mess. And at least two people have tried and given up on giving me advice recently.

Truth is I am a pussy. And by now I should know better than discuss my problems when I am too scared to face the advice I am given. I know how frustratingit is when someone you care about is sobbing and you give them the best advice you got and they turn you down. These people had every right to get annoyed at me. I get annoyed at people drowning in self pity. Its horrible to think that I might become that bad.

The answer is trust. Open up and if thats not what you want, and all you do is whine, shut up. Or at least after 5 mins. You only hurt people that care about you when you confront them with your pain and dont let them in. (Easier said than done, but really guys I am fed up with whining about my fear and pain and bla bla bla, so there some harsh truth)

Now all I can hope for is that those people I annoyed will give me their advice again and this time I will listen to them.
Good advice from good friends should never be disregarded. Trust your friends since they know you and they will want to help you, so let them.

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

Change

Oh bloody hell, I am so scared.

This coming Monday my new course at a semi-new Uni will start. It means I will actually have to be productive and stop doing what I have been doing for the last six months = lazing about.

But this is not only scary because I have to make an effort at Uni. It mainly is because a lot is changing. I have decided to find a new way of life that will help me balance my altruism and my egotism better in the future. So I will go to Uni, go to Spanish classes, try and find time for myself and then for friends and relationships. I don’t want to again, explode all over people that do not deserve it because I can’t balance myself properly.

This is what is ahead and I am trying to look as confidently as I can towards it.

Furthermore I would like to thank all of my long time friends for standing by my side through this shitty period in which I did not communicate sufficiently nor politely. I would like to apologise to them that I have dumped my shit on top of them repeatedly. Without them I would not be as strong as I am today. I will do my best to make them feel more appreciated in the future. (If I don’t and forget about this, send me the link and bash my head against the wall)

Also I need to thank my beautiful boyfriends who have so much patience for me. I know I can be unfair and unfocused. I am also working on that.

Almost done: I am grateful to all my other friends that have contributed to my life and helped me through it as well as I have done so far. In particular my Guardian and my Luxembourgish Lover (thanks for the tough love and honesty, guys)

Last but not least let me say something: Here I come future, in your face, full frontal, at my career, at my life, at my own happiness! Screw being scared!

I love you guys! Thanks for all the help, love and support!

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange