Female Friendship

Growing up I never had many girlfriends, like friends who are girls. I had one which was my neighbour until I moved out of that area of town in primary school and then another one, who is still a friend for now almost 15 years.

But for a long period, especially as a teenager and in my early 20’s, I was convinced that I didn’t like other women. I wasn’t girly and didn’t like fashion or whatever else girls typically talk about. Because it is that simple, and women are that one dimensional, right?

Over the last couple of years I have gained many more girlfriends. I not only enjoy the company of women but I actively seek it. We have so much to share, and I don’t mean make up tips (although that is another great thing about having women as friends), I mean life experiences, how we perceive and are perceived by society, how we handle the dating world, how we deal with men, how we see and deal with our bodies, like stuff about sex, food, clothes, drag queens, Ghostbusters (now with female leads) and periods!

I am so excited to be able to talk about these things not only openly (I did that anyway before) but to people who can contribute, engage, challenge and enrich these discussions.

Now as to why I never used to like women – patriarchy! Well it is my main suspicion. I always wanted to be one of the boys, because girls were stupid. Femininity is silly. I also wanted to be attractive to men, and be admired by them, and be on their good side because that makes life easier. I was so obsessed with appealing to men that I never learned the beauty of female friendship, because as much as I would love to, men just don’t understand many of the things women experience (and vice versa).

Well now, and mostly thanks to my increasing awareness of society’s stereotypes, internalised misogyny and well feminism stuff in general, I care less about the approval of men and more about my own being as a woman in our society. I also delight in being in a mutually supportive environment with people who care and understand the things I care about. I love my angry feminist friends, the queer, vegan, femme, crazy, kinky, poly, loving, caring, creative, supportive, wonderful and amazing women in my life! (insert more labels and adjectives that fit)

And I love that we openly talk about periods, even around men, and that is totally cool and amazing. Feels like such a small thing but it is quite groundbreaking to me!

Nice Guy / Bad Boy

We have heard it all: ‘But I am a nice guy!’ Or ‘Why do women want bad boys?’

This post is not about men complaining about this. It is more a thought about how black and white the dating world seems to see this. Having spend more time on OKC, reading profiles and various online dating horror stories, I started to think about my own behaviour in dating as well as a friend.

I am usually busy. In the last few months I added full time work, two new hobbies and a lover. Adding this to my existing partners, friends and other engagements, my schedule is rammed. Reevaluating my priorities and finding ways to split my time in a satisfactory manor is a hard an ongoing process. And then I drop the ball on people. I went on two OKC dates which were fun but I just forgot to respond or chase up and well, now there is silence, which just gets longer and the longer it is the harder it becomes to find the strength to respond, as now you need to apologise for the delay in responding. I might now be considered a bitch, or a ‘bad date’ or just anything negative really as I failed to communicate to these people that I am to busy to really date them. Ironically I have failed to communicate that I am too busy, because I am so busy. I have hurt people and been mean to them without meaning to do so. I still consider myself ‘nice’.

With most of our communication, including planning being done in writing, the main thing getting lost is tone. Is this short digital message really meant the way it sounds in my head? Will the person think I am rude? Do I sound too pressuring? Add to this that our communication about emotions and intentions in real life can be stifled, delayed or just inexistent. Honesty can be very scary. Silence is often easier then finding a way of letting someone down. Facing the pain you might cause is hard, just vanishing is easier, right?

So people go silent, feelings get hurt and Boom someone is a bad boy or a bitch. There are so many variables that influence someones behaviour. We like to find malicious intent where there might only have been carelessness or even fear. In cases like the ‘I am a nice guy, women only want bad boys’ trope, could it be that we want to see these bad boys/girls as more evil than they are to soothe ourselves or even to justify our own behaviour?

Someone I briefly dated who then became my friend did mention this ‘nice guy’ stuff a few times. I was at the time dating a person who was not really good to me, but who I know never intended to hurt me. My friend saw me suffer and wanted me to be with him, as he was ‘nicer’. We are no longer friends because in the end he was actually malicious to me. So who is really the ‘nice guy’?

It should really be kind not ‘nice’.  It would be kind to show understanding and forgiveness. It would be kind to be honest and respectful. It would be kind if dating would be easier 😉

 

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

 

 

I have a confession to make

Over the years, growing more into polyamory, being intimate on various levels with many different people, I have finally come to terms with one thing: I am not a cuddler.

Don’t get me wrong, I love hugs. I love hugging people as a greeting, as a lovely intimate moment of connection. I love feeling the persons heartbeat against my body, breathing in and out together, feeling the comfort. they-do-love-to-cuddle-imgurBut cuddles? That is a tricky area for me. I like to cuddle for a few minutes at a time, maybe only 30 seconds. I don’t like skin on skin, as it gets sticky and sweaty really quickly. Also often my shoulder ends up hurting if I lie on it weirdly trying to snuggle someone. A little here and there is good but I always felt that the message about cuddles is : ‘More is always better’ or ‘There can never be enough’ cuddles or ‘Cuddles always help’. Cuddle piles and ‘Send cuddles’ status updates seem so lovely, but for me it doesn’t sit right.As it is a huge part of the loving poly community, I thought for a long time I needed to love cuddles as much as everyone else seems to. There was cuddle pressure. I have recently admitted to myself that this is not on my ‘likes’ list. I put the pressure on myself. The loving poly community loves me as I am, cuddles or no cuddles.

Love hugs, love kisses, don’t like cuddling. Limited Cuddle Time available – Book now. Or something.

I feel like a cat – independent and stroppy. I want a bit of petting now and when I have had enough I will scratch you and wander off. And this is in no way a judgement or grumble at people who love cuddling. Please go forth and enjoy all the cuddles! 🙂

 

I don’t really know why I wrote this post – Random Post Achievement Unlocked!

 

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

You have more than I do!

‘But you have more partners than me!’

Ever encountered that? Or this one ‘You have multiple partners, you have nothing to complain about!’ ?

Since actively being poly, I have been confronted with all sorts of reactions to this lifestyle. Often when someone finds out it goes like this: ‘Do they know about each other?’ or ‘Well I could never share my partner.’ These are the kinds of replies that come from non poly people. Being called out on having multiple partners ‘and I have less’ kind of way, has mostly come from other poly people. A once dear friends didn’t want to talk to me about my unmet needs because I had two relationships and he had none. I couldn’t need more than two loving boyfriends when he didn’t even have so much as casual partners. How dare I complain?

That hurt. I was confused, because to me everyone’s problems always mattered. Yes, I might have two relationships that fill me with love and care but that doesn’t necessarily fix other needs I have unmet by both partners. So is this a less relevant problem than my friend being frustrated about being single? Didn’t we both want someone to fulfil a need? And does it even matter if our problems were both exactly the same? He was unhappy and so was I. I couldn’t experience how he felt, after all I am not in his mind but I could see his pain. This pain my friend was in that I wanted to help fix.

rule10_final-Conflict-1024x810

I have now come to despise those kind of phrases. I do have multiple partners, but it takes a lot of effort to gain and maintain these relationships. I also have certain privileges that others don’t. I often find myself very grateful for these privileges but I feel crap about them when somebody tells me ‘You live with your partner and I don’t.’ It is even worse when somebody uses it not only as a comparison but in a way that could apply pressure: ‘You have more partners than me, share!’

It can be difficult to be around people who seem to have more. On a particularly low day, I see something I wanted, and my friend has it, so now I want it too, really bad. I get reminded of how much I need this thing. It hurts that I don’t have it and compersion become the most difficult thing. Being happy for your friends for what they have.

We can not always be happy for others. We can be aware of their happiness and know that even if we say something silly or hurtful they will forgive us. If it gets that bad that your friends happiness turns you bitter and angry, then your friendship is in trouble. That is when the lashing out, the seeming lack of support becomes a destructive force, rather than a small easily mended mistake. The strong friendships weather storms. In my case, as always with open and honest communication. This case here though, of these sentences about having more, I understand where they come from so I don’t always need to discuss them. Unfortunately that does not mean the hurt cause by the sentence is erased.

Love and Be Loved

ThePolyOrange

Commitment

After my last visit to Germany in October I started getting random texts from the German asking me if anyone had already told me that I was a wonderful woman today.

Those messages really cheered me up, put a smile on my face and made me feel very loved.

I started thinking a few days later when I was with the Bald One. Actually it takes hardly a few seconds to send a text like that and your loved one feels loved and probably a bit happier.

On the other hand it only takes a few seconds to answer a call, this may be an important call while in company of more “trivial” people or a more trivial call while in company of important people. When one texts, Facebooks, takes calls or just plain smartphones while with people one makes a statement. A statement of priority, of commitment.

It is thus rather important to consider what statement one makes by being in contact with other people than the ones present.

(I am a bit lost in where I am going with this) Basically I have become much more aware of commitment and priorities. I have a very adaptable daily life and can easily get carried away when dating someone. Often these individuals do not have half the time I have, and I am not their main priority, which is fairly normal for my lifestyle anyway. It always helps me when my partners make me aware of this, that they can not dedicate a huge chunk of their life to me, however they still want me in it. The Lumberjack is one of these cases. He send me an text explaining in detail that he had little time for me but still wanted to see me. He just wanted to avoid seeing me under pressure or out of guilt and ruin something fun, as he put it.

Knowing where your priorities lie helps you find a balance for your life. Communicating those priorities makes it easier for the other people involved in your life to create those intersections between their life and yours to the satisfaction of all parties involved. ( this just feels like dribble ?!) It took me a while to figure out what I need. I wrote extensively about my need for solitude. Recently I realised my need for intimacy has been neglected. Physical closeness is something I have had almost constantly in the last 6 years. Now with both my relationships being distant in one way or another that habit has started to vanish and left a hole like going off a drug would.

So there came a change in priority. Finding a way to reconnect with the Goth without neglecting my private space. Building a more intimate relationship with the Bald One has also arise after our evening out this weekend.

Priorities and commitment are fluid, they change, morph as we go along. Priorities, for me change more often. I don’t like having a strict first, second etc placement. I don’t like having that in my relationships either. But there is a clear few things I am more focused on than others.

When it comes to actual commitment, this means more to me. If I commit to someone, they do become a priority but a more permanent one. They become a part of the whole. I will do a lot for them if they need me. I will rarely say no.

Commitment does not mean marriage, relationship, monogamy or something like that. I don’t need words for it. There is usually a moment where I make it clear that someone is part of that whole. With the Goth it was when I broke off my other relationship, with the German I just stated one day that when talking about him i called him my German boyfriend and he didn’t object. I commit to my friends in various ways, most recent examples: I decided to initiate a change with the Bald One and with my friend from home I committed to letting him break off our friendship to save his relationship, promising I would still be there for him if he ever wanted it to change back (I did not promise to mock him for it though).

The more I experience being poly the more I feel the constant dynamics in life and how letting things change, evolve and flow can lead to extraordinary situations, encounters, moments.

Love and Be Loved,

 

ThePolyOrange

WTF?

Well I am calm now but I wasn’t earlier.

You remember my friend whose girlfriend has never seen me yet was already worried about me tempting him?! Well when they originally got together I didn’t feel much like talking to my friend. I just didn’t want to see him. I was worried I was going to loose him to this new love, like I did previously with a friend.

And guess what, it looks like I was right. Today I got a call from my friend. He was really upset saying how he didn’t know what to do. His girlfriend had been applying a lot of pressure on him saying she wanted him to prove his love and that he would be faithful to her forever. She was also apparently no longer only worried about me but about his faithfulness in general.

This friend has already proved to me that he is in love with this girl and faithful to her before they were even really together. And now he is almost crying to me on the phone because he is worried she will leave him due to her own paranoia.

I suggested he’d write her a letter. I also suggested someone should make her face her own emotions. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. From personal experience: asking for support even if it makes you show that you are weak gets you more help than projecting your fear and building yourself a wall.

Anger is always a projection of other emotions. Or at least I believe so.

I then suggested to my friend that maybe we should put our friendship on hold so that he can be happy with her if it helps. So maybe that will happen now.

I still think the girl should face her true emotions and own up to them and not suppress someone else.

Funny, this was supposed to be a rant. Well I guess I just get really angry at people doing shit like this. It’s totally unfair and one should not tolerate it.

Furthermore: recently I wrote about waiting. I had a date last week right. I am still awaiting answer to a  text I answered to yesterday. Why do I not know how to be patient. Grrr. Oh well, distraction it is 🙂 Gaming.

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

Friends with Jealousy

Hey Guys,

Sorry it’s been a while been very busy with Uni and stuff.

So this week was interesting. I got a request from my bald fuckbuddy for our date which made me feel like I don’t make enough of an effort for him when we meet up since it was outfit related.
This initially made me very angry, as I am usually proud of the effort I put in my outfits and preparations for dates. I did assume I would misinterpret and I did. But feelings are not logical, so I was still angry for most of the day.

This was made worse by a friend back home calling me. He recently entered a monogamous relationship. We are usually quite flirty and have fooled around a little. He called to ask me a question and would then explain the reason for asking. He ask if I would still hit on him despite the fact that he is now in a closed relationship. I said no. He did ask this because he was honest and told his girl about us. She however is of the opinion that where there once was attraction it can resurge. I do agree with this but it has nothing to do with the ethics around this situation. Now I have also been asked to talk to her over skype so she can get to know me.

I will be very far away from these people for very long and I am a reasonable loyal friend to not hit on my monogamous friends in any serious way… So basically this girl, my friends new found love already lost serious brownie points with me.

What to do in this situation? I find it hard to respect people that are so hugely irrationally jealous and have to implement strangers into dealing with their feelings.

Then again I have many times and in this post stated that feelings are irrational. She is open enough to talk about this rather than let it bubble up inside her. I still doubt I can deal with her very well. We will see what happends when I talk to her but I will assume friend position and be open minded and friendly. In that situation my friend doesn’t need my attitude as well as his girlfriends. I hope he is ok and it will work out for him. (Just annoying because he is a really good man and fucking deserves to be trusted!)

I then later on send an intense message to Baldy. I told him he was not in the position to make such requests. He is a friend and not my Master. He reacted very badly to this. We did eventually relax the situation by clearing up what we meant. We had a very fun evening. He explained that his request was due to fantasies he was trying to fulfill.

With the German I have started to explore my more subby and slave side and I do not feel ready to share myself in this way with anyone else. It at least not too intensely. I don’t really know why but I have no interest in the moment with this. I am developing and evolving as a sub and I guess partially I do not wish to advance to a level where my German Master won’t recognize me anymore when we play.

This is a very new part of my life now despite that I have done much of this before. I have learned a lot and I am determined to become more selfish and not be the only on who cares for people and who only wants to please people. I will look after myself properly, focus on my career, help a new relationship blossom, revive an old relationship and learn Spanish. Sounds good no? 😉

Some interesting stuff happened earlier. I shall report on that in the next few days.

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange