Those three words

We all know those three words. For some they are a way to connect, for others a way to ensure a bond and for other they are the three words of doom.

Saying ‘I love you’ for the first time is always risky. The one to say it first has to step up to the fact that the other one might not react well. They might say it themselves, they might not or worst of all it might push them away.

I have encountered people that plain simply refuse to say those words because who they are most comfortable being, the person they want to be, does not get emotionally attached. I assume most of the time that this is a defense mechanism created from pain felt in the past. There might be different reasons but either way I think one should not deny ones feelings, ever. But denial can be a more comfortable zone than reality, unfortunately.

The three words used to escape me very fast. I was not able to handle NRE (New Relationship Energy) all that well and got carried away by hormones easily.

By now I spent a lot more time reflecting my own emotions and become more precise about expressing them, in timing and phrasing.

Still I tend to utter those words first. I don’t remember when I first spoke them to the German. We discussed the three words, literally, so using those exact words and so eventually 3 took on a new meaning. I believe it was on the day we knew each other for 5 months that I said it when we were out dancing. I might be wrong. Anyway, until this day I tend to say it more often. However the change he has gone through is quite extraordinary.

The German has achieved and conquered emotional things he was dealing with and I am insanely proud of him. He confided in me and I tried to support him as good as I could and he seems to radiate with happiness these days. I feel thoroughly loved, supported and cared for at the moment.

It makes me very happy that he freely expresses his feelings to me which is something not everyone can do.

But back to my topic. Being in love is risky, like I mentioned before. Saying it out loud even more. This adds the risk of overuse. Will it lose it’s intensity or meaning if ‘I love you’ is repeated too many times and said in “trivial” ways?

The Goth and I use them plenty. At least once a day, often to terminate a phone call. The German and I still use them sparingly and in moments where, for me, they are felt deeply.

I do remember when I first said it to the Goth, and he thought it was weird. It was just before we had sex, sober and intensely for the first time. I didn’t want to say it afterwards, aware of how cuddly and emotional good sex can make me. I guess I am a little weird sometimes.

The three words, those exact ones. I find the english language very limiting. In German and my mother tongue, there are various ways of expressing it, often changing the tone and intensity. I love a lot of people in my life but saying ‘I love you’ seems to not have the right connotation. My Guardian knows that our love has a different feel to it than typical couple love. We are not in a relationship, do however have a deep bond that is important an cherished by both.

Blade as well. I care about him deeply. I believe he knows (by now he does, since he is probably reading this at some point). It would not occur to say those words though to him. He is another one of those people who is very careful about expressing emotions however I see him as in unity with his feelings and selfaware.

My life entails so many different relationships. Recently in a poly chat, I explained my situation and someone said that my other fuckbuddies, lovers etc were not part of being poly. Well why the hell not? Being poly is a mindset for me, not defined by how many people I have a relationship with. I do not define being poly by my boyfriends. I do not define love by ‘I love you’.

I feel love. I live love. And I hope the people I love know that. If not, ask me!

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

The Mother Update

as previously mentioned my mother is not exactly very understanding of poly. She has however said that as long as I am happy she is happy. On the other hand she accepts noone except the Goth as my partner and when I go back home she does not wish to have me involve her in any way. No sleepovers, dinners etc.

Then again she has moments where she contradicts herself. She has offered me to use my car to drive to visit the German. She asked me questions about him and I showed her a picture of him.

Now she has broken her rules when I told her I was going to spend Christmas with the German. I told her I could come for Christmas but I am leaving to London with the German a day after. My mother then said, well for a night or two you guys can stay here, it goes against all my principles but oh well at Christmas one can poor some water into one’s wine.

No wall that has to happen is that the German agrees to come over for a few days and will have to face the judgement of my dear friends and family. He said it should be doable. So I guess yay for spending Christmas with my closest rather than his… I am slightly worried about all of this December business.

Also because the German and I will spend about 10 days straight together. The most we ever spend together I think is 5 or 6… Should be very interesting. We have already discussed this and decided we might have to use our Pause Function to take  a break from each other or anyone else really.

Exciting Exciting

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

What happened recently

Well to quickly tell you what happened:

Thursday the Goth and I had a discussion about our relationship. It started by me being obnoxious and blaming, saying I was the only one putting work into the relationship. (I felt very frustrated recently.)
We realised if we didn’t make an effort our passive  coexisting would eventually be the cause for our end. Then we shut our laptops and watched a movie cuddled up on the couch.

So now we have date night once a week. This discussion also started due to me wanted to have a date with the Lumberjack who I had one date with previously. He had suggested this Friday and the Goth was going to go out with Coworkers. I asked him if I could have a window, a time until which he would agree to be out so there would be no risk of him walking in, just in case the Lumberjack and me decided to get a little closer.

So then there was Friday. During the day I was really frustrated and texting with the German I showed how I felt. Later on I called him during lunchtime. I was telling him how angry I felt due to my frustrations. And how guilty I felt for not being able to let go of that anger. When it comes to the German I am mainly frustrated due to lack of, well plain sex.

In the evening, The Lumberjack came over for dinner. We had fun talking for about 3 hours and spent a bit of time getting to know each other a little better. It was good fun. I then send him a text the following day saying I am glad that I met him since I feel like I can be myself around him.

Saturday I had my very first play party. Attending were the Goth, the Bald One and a couple of friends henceforth known as the Singing Swingers. I think everyone had fun and left fairly satisfied. The Goth was surprisingly open and joined in well although he avoided contact with anyone else but me.

Sunday I went to the London Alternative Market and spent some money. Later on I relaxed at home watching League of Legends Matches with the Bald One.

Monday was Uni time. I spent some time reflecting upon my feelings from the previous week. Conclusions: I felt mainly frustrated due to lack of intimacy and love at the moment since I pushed the Goth away and the German is physically away from me as well (plus he needs a fair amount of space). So now I feel a lot better. Quite optimistic.

I also talked to the German, today and explained my new conclusions about my obsession about having sex with him. See when I am in love with someone and it is still in it’s original hormonal stages having sex with someone can be the most intense experience on the planet. Being so close and connected. I explained I was mainly missing the physical contact when we were being sexual. He was glad to hear it since it made it sound very differently from his just being a fucktoy.

All in all a rather nice and productive weekend. Optimism has arisen and lots of good things seem to be on the horizon. I wish the same for you all.

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

Guilt

Well the good news at the moment is that I had a serious talk with the Goth about our future and that we decided to spend time together specifically and not just coexist anymore.

Yesterday on the train home I was totally frustrated though. I felt like both my men were standing in my way. The Goth keeps me from easily dating other men in London and the German keeps me from experiencing the sexual desires I have with him. I felt like my effort was greater than theirs when it came to the well being of the people involved in the relationship.

Then the German cancelled our skype date because he was invited to dinner. I had just done my shopping in a more expensive and unpractical way to be home and ready on time. Then the bastard dared to text me that he loves me (this is how this all felt at the time). I just teared up and couldn’t stop crying the whole way.

As much as these men can communicate it feels like they don’t enough. I seriously have needs that I want covered and I have expressed them. The answer I get is mostly silence.

Right now to look at this again a day later. I have a terrible memory when it comes to remembering what people said. I have a terrible tendency of forgetting the things people have done for me and not appreciating those actions enough. I tend to get unfair and judgemental and self righteous and all that crap in moments like these. Yet all I want is for them to support me. But whenever I say so I feel unfair and guilty or get mean and bitchy. Plus I get the feeling that they do but it just doesn’t feel like enough.

Aaah anyway, I am going to stop thinking now and I am going to stop feeling guilty now.

Have a nice Weekend.

Love and Be Loved

ThePolyOrange

Oh Boy…

And I thought I failed hard last weekend. I fucked up even more this one.

 

Let’s back up a little. I have been seeing the German for about 7 months now and over those months the first 6 were spent taking care of him when we were together, supporting him and making sure he is happy. Helping him develop his sexuality and position himself in this relationship. In September I had a breakdown and realised I needed to start covering my own desires a bit more. Unfortunately I am not very good in how to ask for support and help and all that.

 

With the Goth this was easier. He knew about my issues, I explained and he gave me space. Just the way I needed and still do.

 

With the German, this was the first time the dynamics changed between us. It was all wrong over the last few weeks. This weekend as well, when I went to visit. I threw all my insecurities, all my frustrations, everything onto him at the worst moment possible. I had to run and hide when I realised what I was feeling. I took a step back, well I tried. I had a choice. Not feel this way and let him enjoy this moment or say how I feel and ask for help. I went for the latter. I was too hurt. I didn’t get the support I needed because A: I didn’t explicitly say so and B: The German was physically and mentally exhausted and too strained to be able to bother (as he explained earlier today)

 

On the way home very early this morning, I was extremely quiet. All I said was that I was sorry. Then I cried and said that I just realised whenever I asked for real support I ended up feeling guilty afterwards. The German pulled the car over and hugged me. I was really happy he did that. I would not have been able to pick myself up otherwise.

 

Today I felt very guilty about last night still. We talked some more. We both knew that this was exhausting and all we did was discuss our issues recently. Finally we established that we need to become more aware of what we want and how to give it to each other. Unfortunately this does include more communication but I am sure it will be better afterwards. It’s funny how I already feel better about it then before just because we decided we no longer want it to be that way.

 

I am proud of him and of myself. He managed to pick himself up well a few times and kept his head straight. He might have strayed from his path but managed to get back on it. I was aware of my feelings and consciously made a choice about my behaviour. It might not always be the best one but at least I am aware.

 

More generally:

What does a relationship constitute of? Love? Happiness? Passion?

Well I thought about this last week already and for me it is the give and take. Wanting to make someone happy and letting them make you happy. For me this does not work if one does not know what one needs nor is able to state it.

 

Communication, Balance, Honesty.

 

My three key words when in a relationship.

 

Love and Be Loved,

 

 

ThePolyOrange

What if?

I wanted to finally write about something less based on only me and more general about the polyamorous lifestyle.
One of the main things people in ethical non-monogamous relationships face is the what if question every time their partner, or themselves get involved with someone else.

What if the new partner is hotter than me? What if they are better in bed then me? What if my partner loves them more than me?

I have not yet been in many situations of dealing with this. My previous boyfriend a year ago was dating someone else at the same time as me. She was crazy about him and hated my guts. She was ok with him sleeping with other people except me. So he ended up dumping me but later on used me to cheat on her because she was not satisfying him sexually.
He actually had a serious go at me calling me a slut and a whore. This was his way of breaking up with me.

So that didn’t end that well. My second example is my friend the Bald One. Since we started sleeping together he has very clearly stated his loyalty to me. And when it came to my other friend the Climber, who I have had a few moresomes with, I felt like I might loose them both if they slept together. So I asked him if he would tell me if he planned on seeing her. I also suggested we’d sleep together, the three of us. This happened later on. Last Saturday we were all out together and she had asked him to come home with her, so he asked me for permission. After thinking it through and feeling it through, I agreed.

I have never experienced that kind of loyalty before and it makes me feel very safe.

Thirdly there is the German. He is in general out on a date about once a week. And when he goes out clubbing he ends up meeting new girls. I fully support him in developing his sexuality and making new contacts. But I do occasionally feel jealous. I am worried about losing him. I am worried that he will enjoy screwing someone else more than me. This is mainly since I know he doesn’t find me sexy. Or at least this is what he said about 3 months into our relationship. By him saying I do not fit his usual type, I got very conscious about it all. I have found a way of dealing with it though.

Now every time jealousy shows it’s ugly head, I face it and tell myself that I know that he loves me. He has shown this more in the last few days than ever (or at least that is how it feels). Then that burn inside my chest goes away and I am happy for him. Sure I could lose him, but I doubt it would be because of some other woman.

So there are all these What if Questions but when you are open and loving the answer is simple. They love you. There is only one of you. There is a reason why they want you in their lives. They will not give up on you easily.

If these things aren’t true then from my point of view, the relationship is not worth keeping any longer.

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

Fail

Seriously. I thought I had learned something over the last few weeks but apparently I haven’t.

I know how to be more selfish but I just went from one extreme into the other. I did my usual thing. I have not been able to communicate the things I desire in a clear way and eventually one frustrating event triggered all of these emotions. Result: Anger. Let loose on one person.

This would be easier if the things I said in those moments were untrue. Unfortunately I know exactly where to hit and what to say and often in a very cruel way.

Still this time it was not really the case. I expressed concerns in a complete honest way which equals harsh truth. I ranted about how much I cared as well. What I did not know at the time is that the person I was ranting at was in a bad place as well. So I made it all worse, ignoring their feelings and throwing up all the negative emotions that have stored inside me over the last months in one go all over them.

The next day I felt horrible. We talked again that evening. I had to hear what I did.

The main things the German told me at this point is that he has trouble dealing with knowing that my happiness relies in any way on him. He does not like the responsibility  It makes him feel like he is loosing the freedom to deal with his own emotions if he has to.

This sucks frankly. To hear that someone is not ready to take care of you, yet you take care of them. He doesn’t like this either. That it is often all about him. But then again I can understand his need for space and personal time. So we decided to leave it as it was. If he needs to be on his own he does not have to tell me. I just want him to talk to me when he is better so I will know what went on and might be able to reach out to him then.

So again, after a long talk that lead to nothing and a longer one that did, we found a better way of being together (even when actually apart). I realised that I need to communicate my needs better and more often rather than have them suppressed. So when I said I wanted support, I still don’t really know what I mean with that. I guess I also want someone to hold my head, kiss my forehead and say it will all be fine… Don’t we all need that sometimes?

 

Love and BeLoved,

 

 

ThePolyOrange

Those Two

Meh. I am not sure if this is fair or ethical but with my recent revelations of selfishness I have also come across about how unbalanced my relationships can feel.

So this is a little bit of a rant at my two boyfriends. I love them and they have both done stuff for me and supported me. However I feel like I am the one doing more.

This is going back to a post a few days ago. I just found myself yearning for love letters, of which I have written at least a few for every man I loved. I found myself yearning for little pieces of attention that make me feel special.

When I love someone I want them to be happy and throw myself into it head over heels to make that person feel special and loved. It looks like I happen to find men with issues. And men who can’t express their feelings that well.

Oh well. I guess that is all of them?! Not true, last night I met someone who is in a similar situation. He told me his girlfriend helped him communicate and they seem like a great couple.

So here is a message for all you guys out there, and girls. If you love someone, go ahead and show it. Go up to them, hug them spontaneously, kiss them, stroke them and tell them how much you love them. (Do this especially if you know they like it) Go ahead get over yourselves 😛

In moments like these I wish I was dating myself. I am very happy to be alone for a bit more. Gives me time to figure out stuff. Still would be nice to get more support from my dear lovers. Strange that the ones that I am actually in love with support me less than the fuckbuddies I love.

Maybe I’ll need to find a better way to make this clear. Maybe it is just something they don’t want to do or are unable to do. It just does not make me happy to realise this over and over again. I think the way forward is to take a step back, yet again, and do more stuff for me. Screw them for not giving me the support I desire. I shall give it to myself 😀

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

Manipulation

During my last months of self evaluation, and more specifically the last one, I started to think about why I get myself into these situation over and over again. By these situations I mean meeting someone I think I could want to sleep with, so I get more flirty then usual (and I have my problems being subtle).

Basically I often end up with relationships that I am not really comfortable in because I often feel like I have promised sexual contact in some way and need to stand up to that. I don’t really wish to do this about half the time. I also get nervous and shy in those situations which then confuses the people that met me so confidently.

Now how come this happened so often? It was close to happening back home a few weeks back and I told my brother about it. He said well why would you do that again?! You always make them fall for you and show them the happy side of life and then you are stuck taking care of them. (Or he said something of the like).

I do have a very strong objection against dishonesty and manipulation. So when I was thinking about my behaviour in these situations I realised that I am very aware of how to use my face and body to make men fall for me. I know this sounds conceited but that one night back home I was very aware of what I said, what expression I put into my eyes and how I smiled. There was a huge feedback.

Now is the fact that I am aware of this making my behaviour manipulative? I once used slightly teary eyes to make the German tell me that he cared about me. I really needed to hear it, I was feeling fine, pretended to be angry.

I do not use this to make people do anything for me. I have only actually used it a few times to gain information or comfort maybe but never anything drastic. However I am very aware of what my actions, movements and expressions can make people feel. Still I keep wondering if I should feel very bad about this. On one side maybe not because I don’t use it in a malicious way. On the other it still feels like manipulating. But I do use it for positive effect mostly actually.

I am deciding for now that it is a good thing that I am aware of my body that much. I also hope that I won’t use it in a bad way in the future.

For now enough brainwork,

 

Love and Be Loved,

 

ThePolyOrange

Breakdown and Resolution

Sunday afternoon I was sitting about gaming waiting for the German to come online. When he finally came he said he would leave in 30mins. I was not happy about that. He felt pressured and like he was only causing me sorrow. He explained this a bit then there was a long silence. I was running around in my head not knowing what to say.

Finally I broke down. I felt like I am always the one working on my
relationships. I sent text, call, write letters, give presents and travel. I talk and think. Mostly what I get in return is bupkes, zilch.

I ended up rambling about that a relationship needs more than one person working and he required a lot of work already and that I needed some support too.
I understand how much his freedom means to him.  But I have needs too.

After some more silence (as usual) he suggested an experiment: switching roles.
He would inquire about me so that I would get the desired support and then he could discuss his issues if he wanted to avoid pressure yet being able to share.

More evolution and awareness about our needs. Feels pretty damn good.

Feel needed and be allowed to express your needs. 🙂

Love and Be Loved

ThePolyOrange