What happened recently

Well to quickly tell you what happened:

Thursday the Goth and I had a discussion about our relationship. It started by me being obnoxious and blaming, saying I was the only one putting work into the relationship. (I felt very frustrated recently.)
We realised if we didn’t make an effort our passive  coexisting would eventually be the cause for our end. Then we shut our laptops and watched a movie cuddled up on the couch.

So now we have date night once a week. This discussion also started due to me wanted to have a date with the Lumberjack who I had one date with previously. He had suggested this Friday and the Goth was going to go out with Coworkers. I asked him if I could have a window, a time until which he would agree to be out so there would be no risk of him walking in, just in case the Lumberjack and me decided to get a little closer.

So then there was Friday. During the day I was really frustrated and texting with the German I showed how I felt. Later on I called him during lunchtime. I was telling him how angry I felt due to my frustrations. And how guilty I felt for not being able to let go of that anger. When it comes to the German I am mainly frustrated due to lack of, well plain sex.

In the evening, The Lumberjack came over for dinner. We had fun talking for about 3 hours and spent a bit of time getting to know each other a little better. It was good fun. I then send him a text the following day saying I am glad that I met him since I feel like I can be myself around him.

Saturday I had my very first play party. Attending were the Goth, the Bald One and a couple of friends henceforth known as the Singing Swingers. I think everyone had fun and left fairly satisfied. The Goth was surprisingly open and joined in well although he avoided contact with anyone else but me.

Sunday I went to the London Alternative Market and spent some money. Later on I relaxed at home watching League of Legends Matches with the Bald One.

Monday was Uni time. I spent some time reflecting upon my feelings from the previous week. Conclusions: I felt mainly frustrated due to lack of intimacy and love at the moment since I pushed the Goth away and the German is physically away from me as well (plus he needs a fair amount of space). So now I feel a lot better. Quite optimistic.

I also talked to the German, today and explained my new conclusions about my obsession about having sex with him. See when I am in love with someone and it is still in it’s original hormonal stages having sex with someone can be the most intense experience on the planet. Being so close and connected. I explained I was mainly missing the physical contact when we were being sexual. He was glad to hear it since it made it sound very differently from his just being a fucktoy.

All in all a rather nice and productive weekend. Optimism has arisen and lots of good things seem to be on the horizon. I wish the same for you all.

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

Guilt

Well the good news at the moment is that I had a serious talk with the Goth about our future and that we decided to spend time together specifically and not just coexist anymore.

Yesterday on the train home I was totally frustrated though. I felt like both my men were standing in my way. The Goth keeps me from easily dating other men in London and the German keeps me from experiencing the sexual desires I have with him. I felt like my effort was greater than theirs when it came to the well being of the people involved in the relationship.

Then the German cancelled our skype date because he was invited to dinner. I had just done my shopping in a more expensive and unpractical way to be home and ready on time. Then the bastard dared to text me that he loves me (this is how this all felt at the time). I just teared up and couldn’t stop crying the whole way.

As much as these men can communicate it feels like they don’t enough. I seriously have needs that I want covered and I have expressed them. The answer I get is mostly silence.

Right now to look at this again a day later. I have a terrible memory when it comes to remembering what people said. I have a terrible tendency of forgetting the things people have done for me and not appreciating those actions enough. I tend to get unfair and judgemental and self righteous and all that crap in moments like these. Yet all I want is for them to support me. But whenever I say so I feel unfair and guilty or get mean and bitchy. Plus I get the feeling that they do but it just doesn’t feel like enough.

Aaah anyway, I am going to stop thinking now and I am going to stop feeling guilty now.

Have a nice Weekend.

Love and Be Loved

ThePolyOrange

Oh Boy…

And I thought I failed hard last weekend. I fucked up even more this one.

 

Let’s back up a little. I have been seeing the German for about 7 months now and over those months the first 6 were spent taking care of him when we were together, supporting him and making sure he is happy. Helping him develop his sexuality and position himself in this relationship. In September I had a breakdown and realised I needed to start covering my own desires a bit more. Unfortunately I am not very good in how to ask for support and help and all that.

 

With the Goth this was easier. He knew about my issues, I explained and he gave me space. Just the way I needed and still do.

 

With the German, this was the first time the dynamics changed between us. It was all wrong over the last few weeks. This weekend as well, when I went to visit. I threw all my insecurities, all my frustrations, everything onto him at the worst moment possible. I had to run and hide when I realised what I was feeling. I took a step back, well I tried. I had a choice. Not feel this way and let him enjoy this moment or say how I feel and ask for help. I went for the latter. I was too hurt. I didn’t get the support I needed because A: I didn’t explicitly say so and B: The German was physically and mentally exhausted and too strained to be able to bother (as he explained earlier today)

 

On the way home very early this morning, I was extremely quiet. All I said was that I was sorry. Then I cried and said that I just realised whenever I asked for real support I ended up feeling guilty afterwards. The German pulled the car over and hugged me. I was really happy he did that. I would not have been able to pick myself up otherwise.

 

Today I felt very guilty about last night still. We talked some more. We both knew that this was exhausting and all we did was discuss our issues recently. Finally we established that we need to become more aware of what we want and how to give it to each other. Unfortunately this does include more communication but I am sure it will be better afterwards. It’s funny how I already feel better about it then before just because we decided we no longer want it to be that way.

 

I am proud of him and of myself. He managed to pick himself up well a few times and kept his head straight. He might have strayed from his path but managed to get back on it. I was aware of my feelings and consciously made a choice about my behaviour. It might not always be the best one but at least I am aware.

 

More generally:

What does a relationship constitute of? Love? Happiness? Passion?

Well I thought about this last week already and for me it is the give and take. Wanting to make someone happy and letting them make you happy. For me this does not work if one does not know what one needs nor is able to state it.

 

Communication, Balance, Honesty.

 

My three key words when in a relationship.

 

Love and Be Loved,

 

 

ThePolyOrange

Those Two

Meh. I am not sure if this is fair or ethical but with my recent revelations of selfishness I have also come across about how unbalanced my relationships can feel.

So this is a little bit of a rant at my two boyfriends. I love them and they have both done stuff for me and supported me. However I feel like I am the one doing more.

This is going back to a post a few days ago. I just found myself yearning for love letters, of which I have written at least a few for every man I loved. I found myself yearning for little pieces of attention that make me feel special.

When I love someone I want them to be happy and throw myself into it head over heels to make that person feel special and loved. It looks like I happen to find men with issues. And men who can’t express their feelings that well.

Oh well. I guess that is all of them?! Not true, last night I met someone who is in a similar situation. He told me his girlfriend helped him communicate and they seem like a great couple.

So here is a message for all you guys out there, and girls. If you love someone, go ahead and show it. Go up to them, hug them spontaneously, kiss them, stroke them and tell them how much you love them. (Do this especially if you know they like it) Go ahead get over yourselves 😛

In moments like these I wish I was dating myself. I am very happy to be alone for a bit more. Gives me time to figure out stuff. Still would be nice to get more support from my dear lovers. Strange that the ones that I am actually in love with support me less than the fuckbuddies I love.

Maybe I’ll need to find a better way to make this clear. Maybe it is just something they don’t want to do or are unable to do. It just does not make me happy to realise this over and over again. I think the way forward is to take a step back, yet again, and do more stuff for me. Screw them for not giving me the support I desire. I shall give it to myself 😀

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

Friends with Jealousy

Hey Guys,

Sorry it’s been a while been very busy with Uni and stuff.

So this week was interesting. I got a request from my bald fuckbuddy for our date which made me feel like I don’t make enough of an effort for him when we meet up since it was outfit related.
This initially made me very angry, as I am usually proud of the effort I put in my outfits and preparations for dates. I did assume I would misinterpret and I did. But feelings are not logical, so I was still angry for most of the day.

This was made worse by a friend back home calling me. He recently entered a monogamous relationship. We are usually quite flirty and have fooled around a little. He called to ask me a question and would then explain the reason for asking. He ask if I would still hit on him despite the fact that he is now in a closed relationship. I said no. He did ask this because he was honest and told his girl about us. She however is of the opinion that where there once was attraction it can resurge. I do agree with this but it has nothing to do with the ethics around this situation. Now I have also been asked to talk to her over skype so she can get to know me.

I will be very far away from these people for very long and I am a reasonable loyal friend to not hit on my monogamous friends in any serious way… So basically this girl, my friends new found love already lost serious brownie points with me.

What to do in this situation? I find it hard to respect people that are so hugely irrationally jealous and have to implement strangers into dealing with their feelings.

Then again I have many times and in this post stated that feelings are irrational. She is open enough to talk about this rather than let it bubble up inside her. I still doubt I can deal with her very well. We will see what happends when I talk to her but I will assume friend position and be open minded and friendly. In that situation my friend doesn’t need my attitude as well as his girlfriends. I hope he is ok and it will work out for him. (Just annoying because he is a really good man and fucking deserves to be trusted!)

I then later on send an intense message to Baldy. I told him he was not in the position to make such requests. He is a friend and not my Master. He reacted very badly to this. We did eventually relax the situation by clearing up what we meant. We had a very fun evening. He explained that his request was due to fantasies he was trying to fulfill.

With the German I have started to explore my more subby and slave side and I do not feel ready to share myself in this way with anyone else. It at least not too intensely. I don’t really know why but I have no interest in the moment with this. I am developing and evolving as a sub and I guess partially I do not wish to advance to a level where my German Master won’t recognize me anymore when we play.

This is a very new part of my life now despite that I have done much of this before. I have learned a lot and I am determined to become more selfish and not be the only on who cares for people and who only wants to please people. I will look after myself properly, focus on my career, help a new relationship blossom, revive an old relationship and learn Spanish. Sounds good no? 😉

Some interesting stuff happened earlier. I shall report on that in the next few days.

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

1st October and now?

So my last few days have been a bit hectic. Trying to enjoy my last moments in the presence of the German, returning to London and starting Uni. All very intense.

Now I have decided to stick to my plan. Find out what I need. Then see about everything else. Uni seems good and I am confident I can make it. However in my world there is not much space for love right now. I feel like taking a step back. This time would be ideal to be alone if I wasn’t living with the Goth. I don’t really know what to do. I haven’t seen him in a while and am happy to be around him but not very into dealing with relationship stuff right now.

I guess it is time to be a bit selfish again. God, I need to relax. Only time will tell how well it will all work out. So bear with me, I will let you guys know how I am doing. I feel like I left the German in a good space where he is balanced and happy and can work and evolve all by himself without needing my help anymore. I feel like the Goth is able to give me a bit of space.

It looks good. But I am not 100% sure.

 

Until then.

Love and Be Loved,

 

ThePolyOrange

Change

Oh bloody hell, I am so scared.

This coming Monday my new course at a semi-new Uni will start. It means I will actually have to be productive and stop doing what I have been doing for the last six months = lazing about.

But this is not only scary because I have to make an effort at Uni. It mainly is because a lot is changing. I have decided to find a new way of life that will help me balance my altruism and my egotism better in the future. So I will go to Uni, go to Spanish classes, try and find time for myself and then for friends and relationships. I don’t want to again, explode all over people that do not deserve it because I can’t balance myself properly.

This is what is ahead and I am trying to look as confidently as I can towards it.

Furthermore I would like to thank all of my long time friends for standing by my side through this shitty period in which I did not communicate sufficiently nor politely. I would like to apologise to them that I have dumped my shit on top of them repeatedly. Without them I would not be as strong as I am today. I will do my best to make them feel more appreciated in the future. (If I don’t and forget about this, send me the link and bash my head against the wall)

Also I need to thank my beautiful boyfriends who have so much patience for me. I know I can be unfair and unfocused. I am also working on that.

Almost done: I am grateful to all my other friends that have contributed to my life and helped me through it as well as I have done so far. In particular my Guardian and my Luxembourgish Lover (thanks for the tough love and honesty, guys)

Last but not least let me say something: Here I come future, in your face, full frontal, at my career, at my life, at my own happiness! Screw being scared!

I love you guys! Thanks for all the help, love and support!

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange