What if?

I wanted to finally write about something less based on only me and more general about the polyamorous lifestyle.
One of the main things people in ethical non-monogamous relationships face is the what if question every time their partner, or themselves get involved with someone else.

What if the new partner is hotter than me? What if they are better in bed then me? What if my partner loves them more than me?

I have not yet been in many situations of dealing with this. My previous boyfriend a year ago was dating someone else at the same time as me. She was crazy about him and hated my guts. She was ok with him sleeping with other people except me. So he ended up dumping me but later on used me to cheat on her because she was not satisfying him sexually.
He actually had a serious go at me calling me a slut and a whore. This was his way of breaking up with me.

So that didn’t end that well. My second example is my friend the Bald One. Since we started sleeping together he has very clearly stated his loyalty to me. And when it came to my other friend the Climber, who I have had a few moresomes with, I felt like I might loose them both if they slept together. So I asked him if he would tell me if he planned on seeing her. I also suggested we’d sleep together, the three of us. This happened later on. Last Saturday we were all out together and she had asked him to come home with her, so he asked me for permission. After thinking it through and feeling it through, I agreed.

I have never experienced that kind of loyalty before and it makes me feel very safe.

Thirdly there is the German. He is in general out on a date about once a week. And when he goes out clubbing he ends up meeting new girls. I fully support him in developing his sexuality and making new contacts. But I do occasionally feel jealous. I am worried about losing him. I am worried that he will enjoy screwing someone else more than me. This is mainly since I know he doesn’t find me sexy. Or at least this is what he said about 3 months into our relationship. By him saying I do not fit his usual type, I got very conscious about it all. I have found a way of dealing with it though.

Now every time jealousy shows it’s ugly head, I face it and tell myself that I know that he loves me. He has shown this more in the last few days than ever (or at least that is how it feels). Then that burn inside my chest goes away and I am happy for him. Sure I could lose him, but I doubt it would be because of some other woman.

So there are all these What if Questions but when you are open and loving the answer is simple. They love you. There is only one of you. There is a reason why they want you in their lives. They will not give up on you easily.

If these things aren’t true then from my point of view, the relationship is not worth keeping any longer.

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

Change

Oh bloody hell, I am so scared.

This coming Monday my new course at a semi-new Uni will start. It means I will actually have to be productive and stop doing what I have been doing for the last six months = lazing about.

But this is not only scary because I have to make an effort at Uni. It mainly is because a lot is changing. I have decided to find a new way of life that will help me balance my altruism and my egotism better in the future. So I will go to Uni, go to Spanish classes, try and find time for myself and then for friends and relationships. I don’t want to again, explode all over people that do not deserve it because I can’t balance myself properly.

This is what is ahead and I am trying to look as confidently as I can towards it.

Furthermore I would like to thank all of my long time friends for standing by my side through this shitty period in which I did not communicate sufficiently nor politely. I would like to apologise to them that I have dumped my shit on top of them repeatedly. Without them I would not be as strong as I am today. I will do my best to make them feel more appreciated in the future. (If I don’t and forget about this, send me the link and bash my head against the wall)

Also I need to thank my beautiful boyfriends who have so much patience for me. I know I can be unfair and unfocused. I am also working on that.

Almost done: I am grateful to all my other friends that have contributed to my life and helped me through it as well as I have done so far. In particular my Guardian and my Luxembourgish Lover (thanks for the tough love and honesty, guys)

Last but not least let me say something: Here I come future, in your face, full frontal, at my career, at my life, at my own happiness! Screw being scared!

I love you guys! Thanks for all the help, love and support!

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange