Nice Guy / Bad Boy

We have heard it all: ‘But I am a nice guy!’ Or ‘Why do women want bad boys?’

This post is not about men complaining about this. It is more a thought about how black and white the dating world seems to see this. Having spend more time on OKC, reading profiles and various online dating horror stories, I started to think about my own behaviour in dating as well as a friend.

I am usually busy. In the last few months I added full time work, two new hobbies and a lover. Adding this to my existing partners, friends and other engagements, my schedule is rammed. Reevaluating my priorities and finding ways to split my time in a satisfactory manor is a hard an ongoing process. And then I drop the ball on people. I went on two OKC dates which were fun but I just forgot to respond or chase up and well, now there is silence, which just gets longer and the longer it is the harder it becomes to find the strength to respond, as now you need to apologise for the delay in responding. I might now be considered a bitch, or a ‘bad date’ or just anything negative really as I failed to communicate to these people that I am to busy to really date them. Ironically I have failed to communicate that I am too busy, because I am so busy. I have hurt people and been mean to them without meaning to do so. I still consider myself ‘nice’.

With most of our communication, including planning being done in writing, the main thing getting lost is tone. Is this short digital message really meant the way it sounds in my head? Will the person think I am rude? Do I sound too pressuring? Add to this that our communication about emotions and intentions in real life can be stifled, delayed or just inexistent. Honesty can be very scary. Silence is often easier then finding a way of letting someone down. Facing the pain you might cause is hard, just vanishing is easier, right?

So people go silent, feelings get hurt and Boom someone is a bad boy or a bitch. There are so many variables that influence someones behaviour. We like to find malicious intent where there might only have been carelessness or even fear. In cases like the ‘I am a nice guy, women only want bad boys’ trope, could it be that we want to see these bad boys/girls as more evil than they are to soothe ourselves or even to justify our own behaviour?

Someone I briefly dated who then became my friend did mention this ‘nice guy’ stuff a few times. I was at the time dating a person who was not really good to me, but who I know never intended to hurt me. My friend saw me suffer and wanted me to be with him, as he was ‘nicer’. We are no longer friends because in the end he was actually malicious to me. So who is really the ‘nice guy’?

It should really be kind not ‘nice’.  It would be kind to show understanding and forgiveness. It would be kind to be honest and respectful. It would be kind if dating would be easier 😉

 

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

 

 

I have a confession to make

Over the years, growing more into polyamory, being intimate on various levels with many different people, I have finally come to terms with one thing: I am not a cuddler.

Don’t get me wrong, I love hugs. I love hugging people as a greeting, as a lovely intimate moment of connection. I love feeling the persons heartbeat against my body, breathing in and out together, feeling the comfort. they-do-love-to-cuddle-imgurBut cuddles? That is a tricky area for me. I like to cuddle for a few minutes at a time, maybe only 30 seconds. I don’t like skin on skin, as it gets sticky and sweaty really quickly. Also often my shoulder ends up hurting if I lie on it weirdly trying to snuggle someone. A little here and there is good but I always felt that the message about cuddles is : ‘More is always better’ or ‘There can never be enough’ cuddles or ‘Cuddles always help’. Cuddle piles and ‘Send cuddles’ status updates seem so lovely, but for me it doesn’t sit right.As it is a huge part of the loving poly community, I thought for a long time I needed to love cuddles as much as everyone else seems to. There was cuddle pressure. I have recently admitted to myself that this is not on my ‘likes’ list. I put the pressure on myself. The loving poly community loves me as I am, cuddles or no cuddles.

Love hugs, love kisses, don’t like cuddling. Limited Cuddle Time available – Book now. Or something.

I feel like a cat – independent and stroppy. I want a bit of petting now and when I have had enough I will scratch you and wander off. And this is in no way a judgement or grumble at people who love cuddling. Please go forth and enjoy all the cuddles! 🙂

 

I don’t really know why I wrote this post – Random Post Achievement Unlocked!

 

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

It’s never too late to apologies?!

We all make mistakes. We all say or do the wrong thing sometimes. Sometimes when we are intoxicated, sometimes when we are angry, and sometimes just because we didn’t think things through enough. I feel like I have recently put my foot in it a few times, often in larger social situation with many people present. Often there was a lot going on and come the next day, I don’t really remember what or how I behaved necessarily but something felt off. I felt ashamed afterwards. I get flashbacks of stupid things I said or foolish things I did. Then comes the guilt. ‘I should probably apologies’.

If I do apologies a few things happen. I admit guilt (which I probably should) but I also bring the incident up again for the people I might have upset. If something major happened, it is very important to me to make amends but what about those times you just said something inappropriate at the wrong time? Or you just put your foot in it and made someone uncomfortable? Is it worth reminding someone of a bad moment when the rest of the event was fun? Will that tarnish the memory?

What if your guilt binds you in silence for a while and the occurrence has faded from memory. If you make a point to apologise you end up reminding someone of something bad or hurtful they have long forgotten. Some things should be left in rest.

Is it always worth apologising? When you apologise you do not only make a gesture towards peace but you also show an expectation of forgiveness. But you can not expect forgiveness yet you put pressure on the one you wronged. You are also expecting time and attention when they might just want to forget. You apologise not only for them but for you. You want to be heard and forgiven. They might not want to listen or even be reminded. Could your apology cost more than it’s worth? Could it be your guilt is much bigger than the actual incident? I do tend to worry too much about certain things.

I have for a few personal instances come to the conclusion that getting that weight off my chest would do more harm than good. I made a stupid minor mistake and I can do more right by these people if I behave better and more caring in the future rather than stir up an unpleasant memory. Hopefully I can make amends in showing care and support in the future.

Love and Be Loved.

ThePolyOrange

A Thought and a Message

Unfortunately recently I haven’t been able to post anything as my daily life has changed quite a lot. I started a post graduate in Events Management, which is super exciting but also extremely hectic and intense. It also forced me to be around people who are less exposed to my poly, pervert, play lifestyle. Eventually some of my classmates put the pieces together when I said, ‘my boyfriend’ and the next day ‘my girlfriend’.

And then came the usual questions. While answering them, something became clear to me. There was the impression that dating multiple people was harder than one person. Suddenly it struck me, currently my lovely poly relationships are so lovely and wonderful because they are in one word – easy. Neither of my partners, nor any of my casual partners have any expectations of me. There is a loving understanding of mutual support and companionship without expectations. We are able to enjoy each others company without any pressure.

That’s it, the pressure is off! My partners know who I am and I know them. We understand needs, wants and just let each other life our lives while being there for each other. I no longer have to worry about pleasing them, or asking for something. It is seems to flow seamlessly. And I am eternally grateful to both of them for having helped us reach this point. It feels comfortable, it feels safe. Exactly what I need at this point where my life has changed. I am certain that if I was monogamous, I would feel a lot more panic about my relationship right now, as stress, unmet needs and expectations would start to bubble into a toxic cocktail. Poly allows me to enjoy my partners and what I have with them. I no longer focus on what I don’t have with them. This is currently for me, the best thing ever!

As my life has changed, I have also made the choice to take a break for the summer from my polyamory blog. I will be putting my ducks in a row and figure out how and when I can continue with my beloved Poly Orange.

In the meantime,

Love and Be Loved

ThePolyOrange

The Productivity Conundrum or Ah! I don’t know what to do!

Last week I was on holiday with a friend in Lanzarote. A beautiful Canary Island full of tourists. We found ourselves in a resort with four different pools, a main one, a Kids one, but the one I care about the most, a ‘Quiet Zone’ Pool, with a  little cushion and benches area for ‘Adults only’. A large buffet with a special vegan corner for us. Bliss.

I loved going on these type of holidays as a child. All the activities, the tours around the island, playing GameBoy and reading books combined with copious amounts of food. This was very similar, except that I felt like I wasn’t doing enough. How can I relax when I haven’t even finished reading my book yet? Is there nothing better to do than enjoy the sun and a swim? Basically my mind was going crazy with this relaxing idea.

Luckily enough, my friend loves walking so we walked our 10.000 steps along the beach everyday. She told me that there is nothing to do here but relax. It was the purpose of our trip. So I kept myself from spending too much money and only purchased a couple of small gifts for close ones. We went on exploring trips around the Island. I finished reading my book and started a new one without the pressure of finishing it. I swam in the sea without it feeling like exercise but pure pleasure. And I got a tan.

Now I am at home with a few spare days left before my full-time course starts. I have chores etc that need to be done but all in all I have quite some time to, well relax. This morning started off well, I got up and did a few things like checking money, clearing up, getting started on an editing project. Then I was sitting there overwhelmed by the other things that I still have planned. I might have been sitting still but my mind was pacing up and down the room trying to figure out how to get myself to do these things on my list.

I remembered I wanted to go to the cinema and see a film before it stopped showing. Checked times. Decided on one. Decided on when to leave the house and how to combine the trip with grocery shopping, getting materials for my course (I am a sucker for a pretty notepad). Now I have a plan, and all is good. I feel I can stick to that plan and until then do other things that make me panic less, such as play a video game and write my next blog entry, well this one.

So here it is, a brief view on how I, a usually very organised person, deal with relaxation, productivity and planning.

Love and Be Loved

ThePolyOrange

You have more than I do!

‘But you have more partners than me!’

Ever encountered that? Or this one ‘You have multiple partners, you have nothing to complain about!’ ?

Since actively being poly, I have been confronted with all sorts of reactions to this lifestyle. Often when someone finds out it goes like this: ‘Do they know about each other?’ or ‘Well I could never share my partner.’ These are the kinds of replies that come from non poly people. Being called out on having multiple partners ‘and I have less’ kind of way, has mostly come from other poly people. A once dear friends didn’t want to talk to me about my unmet needs because I had two relationships and he had none. I couldn’t need more than two loving boyfriends when he didn’t even have so much as casual partners. How dare I complain?

That hurt. I was confused, because to me everyone’s problems always mattered. Yes, I might have two relationships that fill me with love and care but that doesn’t necessarily fix other needs I have unmet by both partners. So is this a less relevant problem than my friend being frustrated about being single? Didn’t we both want someone to fulfil a need? And does it even matter if our problems were both exactly the same? He was unhappy and so was I. I couldn’t experience how he felt, after all I am not in his mind but I could see his pain. This pain my friend was in that I wanted to help fix.

rule10_final-Conflict-1024x810

I have now come to despise those kind of phrases. I do have multiple partners, but it takes a lot of effort to gain and maintain these relationships. I also have certain privileges that others don’t. I often find myself very grateful for these privileges but I feel crap about them when somebody tells me ‘You live with your partner and I don’t.’ It is even worse when somebody uses it not only as a comparison but in a way that could apply pressure: ‘You have more partners than me, share!’

It can be difficult to be around people who seem to have more. On a particularly low day, I see something I wanted, and my friend has it, so now I want it too, really bad. I get reminded of how much I need this thing. It hurts that I don’t have it and compersion become the most difficult thing. Being happy for your friends for what they have.

We can not always be happy for others. We can be aware of their happiness and know that even if we say something silly or hurtful they will forgive us. If it gets that bad that your friends happiness turns you bitter and angry, then your friendship is in trouble. That is when the lashing out, the seeming lack of support becomes a destructive force, rather than a small easily mended mistake. The strong friendships weather storms. In my case, as always with open and honest communication. This case here though, of these sentences about having more, I understand where they come from so I don’t always need to discuss them. Unfortunately that does not mean the hurt cause by the sentence is erased.

Love and Be Loved

ThePolyOrange

First contact

New Year, New Adventures, New Problems, New Experiences, New Opportunities.

My first big adventure this year was a trip to Germany to commemorate a friend. It was a weekend of Goodbye’s but also Welcome’s. For the first few nights I was staying with a man I had met shortly after I got together with the German back over 2 years ago. We seemed to always like each other but for various reasons we were never able to spend much time together. Well this weekend we did, and it was lovely. Due to the reasons for my trip, my mood was complex and we failed to connect quite as intimately as we’d hoped.

Thursday evening was filled with hours of chatting to each other about life, love and lust. It can be incredible fun to sit around and discuss each others experiences and expectations. It can also be uncomfortable, not necessarily awkward but individually, internally it can sting. Someone you are really into shares details of their sexuality with you. A lot of it sounds delicious but some things raise worries about incompatibility. Sexual preferences, kinky practices that the other finds essential, you do not. Does this mean you will clash? Does it mean an intimate encounter will be unsatisfying for both of you? Is this all already doomed?Frist Contact

On that evening, while talking about many things, we were not open about these kind of concerns. As the weekend progressed, my mind got heavier and I wasn’t feeling intimate anymore. A lot more talking happened, around how tricky sexual encounters can be, and how it would just be easier to communicate during. We both felt how social conventions were restricting sexuality with ridiculous concepts of how it all should be. Obvious example: heterosexual sex is penis in vagina with simultaneous orgasms. This is a man who understands, and is capable of the importance of honest and clear communication. He also, in his very own way, rejects social conventions and insists on being individual and adaptable (if he wasn’t at least a little like this, I doubt would like him for anything more than his looks).

When dating, sharing experiences and desires can be very titillating. There is a risk of reducing excitement, but unless you try out and talk, you are unlikely to find a real answer. More often than not there are ways of adapting preferences and fantasies to make for a satisfying and interesting encounter. As usually with me, the rule is communication (If reading much of my blog, one might have noticed that by now).

Sunday morning there was tensions, we both felt it. I am incredibly grateful for both of us opening up, then and there to each other, to prevent an ending filled with frustration and resent. Primarily we told each other how we felt, and where we were standing. To the happiness of both of us, we agreed. For many reasons, and amazing people, I might have to come back to Germany, yet again!

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange