Heartbreak

Break ups don’t get easier. I have gone through many. Some hurt more than others. In this case, a partner of 5 months broke up with me. I was so happy, and so in love with him that he officially became a partner, instead of a boyfriend, quite quickly.

Two weeks ago, we were watching a film, and I spoiled a couple of things, and because he was a bit annoyed about it, I went internal for a bit to process and to calm myself to not spoil any more things. It felt like a good thing to do to sit back for a bit. My phone opened on an article I had left there for later reading. So I read it. It was an everdayfeminism.com article on women’s emotional labour (http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/06/emotional-labor-womens-lives/). As I read it I started crying. It resonated with me so strongly. He leaned over to check in and I requested that we keep watching the film but he insisted on talking to me. And it got a bit muddled and I said that I didn’t think he could relate to this. The next thing I know he has left my house without an explanation.

I wrote him to ask what was going on. He asked me to leave him alone but in my confusion I pushed. He then responded saying we were done. After two weeks of silence, he has confirmed that this is the case and he actually meant his last message to me. He also said he probably doesn’t want to talk about this as he doesn’t see the point.

I feel like I am 15 again. Blaming myself, asking myself what I did wrong. Wondering if or when I could contact him. What the best thing to do was. In the end, his message indicated that there was no right thing to do. He had made up his mind. I love him dearly still and feel like I would beg on my knees to have him back.

But I am 27, and I know that I am not the defining factor here, there are two of us and we both hurt each other. Yes, I made a mistake but I have now apologised. I wanted to talk so I could explain and apologise but he does not want this.  He doesn’t want to talk. I don’t get to know what went on inside his head, he doesn’t want to know what I thought or felt. I could learn a lot from knowing what he felt. I like growing after all. So I will grow by finding my own way of stopping the blaming questions in my head, the regret that forms a lump in my throat and the pain that’s twisting my heart.

 

Luckily enough so many wonderful people and partners are out there, who lovingly support me through this. I can only hope it will be another 5 years before I get dumped like this again.

Nice Guy / Bad Boy

We have heard it all: ‘But I am a nice guy!’ Or ‘Why do women want bad boys?’

This post is not about men complaining about this. It is more a thought about how black and white the dating world seems to see this. Having spend more time on OKC, reading profiles and various online dating horror stories, I started to think about my own behaviour in dating as well as a friend.

I am usually busy. In the last few months I added full time work, two new hobbies and a lover. Adding this to my existing partners, friends and other engagements, my schedule is rammed. Reevaluating my priorities and finding ways to split my time in a satisfactory manor is a hard an ongoing process. And then I drop the ball on people. I went on two OKC dates which were fun but I just forgot to respond or chase up and well, now there is silence, which just gets longer and the longer it is the harder it becomes to find the strength to respond, as now you need to apologise for the delay in responding. I might now be considered a bitch, or a ‘bad date’ or just anything negative really as I failed to communicate to these people that I am to busy to really date them. Ironically I have failed to communicate that I am too busy, because I am so busy. I have hurt people and been mean to them without meaning to do so. I still consider myself ‘nice’.

With most of our communication, including planning being done in writing, the main thing getting lost is tone. Is this short digital message really meant the way it sounds in my head? Will the person think I am rude? Do I sound too pressuring? Add to this that our communication about emotions and intentions in real life can be stifled, delayed or just inexistent. Honesty can be very scary. Silence is often easier then finding a way of letting someone down. Facing the pain you might cause is hard, just vanishing is easier, right?

So people go silent, feelings get hurt and Boom someone is a bad boy or a bitch. There are so many variables that influence someones behaviour. We like to find malicious intent where there might only have been carelessness or even fear. In cases like the ‘I am a nice guy, women only want bad boys’ trope, could it be that we want to see these bad boys/girls as more evil than they are to soothe ourselves or even to justify our own behaviour?

Someone I briefly dated who then became my friend did mention this ‘nice guy’ stuff a few times. I was at the time dating a person who was not really good to me, but who I know never intended to hurt me. My friend saw me suffer and wanted me to be with him, as he was ‘nicer’. We are no longer friends because in the end he was actually malicious to me. So who is really the ‘nice guy’?

It should really be kind not ‘nice’.  It would be kind to show understanding and forgiveness. It would be kind to be honest and respectful. It would be kind if dating would be easier 😉

 

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

 

 

A Thought and a Message

Unfortunately recently I haven’t been able to post anything as my daily life has changed quite a lot. I started a post graduate in Events Management, which is super exciting but also extremely hectic and intense. It also forced me to be around people who are less exposed to my poly, pervert, play lifestyle. Eventually some of my classmates put the pieces together when I said, ‘my boyfriend’ and the next day ‘my girlfriend’.

And then came the usual questions. While answering them, something became clear to me. There was the impression that dating multiple people was harder than one person. Suddenly it struck me, currently my lovely poly relationships are so lovely and wonderful because they are in one word – easy. Neither of my partners, nor any of my casual partners have any expectations of me. There is a loving understanding of mutual support and companionship without expectations. We are able to enjoy each others company without any pressure.

That’s it, the pressure is off! My partners know who I am and I know them. We understand needs, wants and just let each other life our lives while being there for each other. I no longer have to worry about pleasing them, or asking for something. It is seems to flow seamlessly. And I am eternally grateful to both of them for having helped us reach this point. It feels comfortable, it feels safe. Exactly what I need at this point where my life has changed. I am certain that if I was monogamous, I would feel a lot more panic about my relationship right now, as stress, unmet needs and expectations would start to bubble into a toxic cocktail. Poly allows me to enjoy my partners and what I have with them. I no longer focus on what I don’t have with them. This is currently for me, the best thing ever!

As my life has changed, I have also made the choice to take a break for the summer from my polyamory blog. I will be putting my ducks in a row and figure out how and when I can continue with my beloved Poly Orange.

In the meantime,

Love and Be Loved

ThePolyOrange

A small thought about Gender

I started reading Cordelia Fine’s Delusions of Gender recently. I am a slow reader but I have read a few chapters already. I do find it utterly fascinating to read about all different kinds of gender studies with very interesting results indicating that gender is not only societal but also situational. In some tests men were ask to predict female empathy, as in try and think how a woman would resolve some situations related to empathy, and their results were remarkably like the female results. (I would definitely recommend the book)

A man recently referred to his way of having different types or relationships with the word compartmentalising. He also earlier in the conversation said he was a very logical person. See, I don’t remember many women referring to themselves as ‘logical’, it is a term mostly used to describe men, so I got to thinking if I don’t do similar things but just call them differently. Most people probably have “deal breakers” or things that define the potential of a new relationship. I would more refer to these things as ‘not partner material’ for example. I am also less inclined to set a category early on when meeting someone, as I don’t like to restrain my relationships. Is that potentially a more female thing, or more of a poly thing?

I was intrigued by the logical man using these words to express himself, many words which were all more logic and technology based, whereas I would use different words, probably more “appropriate” for my role as female. I am certain that this is influenced by gender stereotypes, just not sure how much. I will most definitely be paying attention to the language people use, especially when talking about emotions.

I will report back with findings, I guess 🙂

Love and Be Loved

ThePolyOrange

The Intellectual Benefits of Polyamory

Today I had a little epiphany. I found myself watching a pilot episode of a new US series which is build around a white middle aged heterosexual male, who “has it all”, as they say. He feels confined and bland, so he starts to break free of his job but then finds his wife cheating.

This is as far as I got before stopping to write this post. From the description, this revelation does not end in divorce and the story focusses on the couple trying to find a way of dealing with the mundanity of everyday life in the white upper class in the US. Now, while watching this all sorts of words came to mind: white privilege, white heterosexual male etc.

I realised that 5 years ago I wouldn’t have thought about it that way. Since I moved to London I have learned a lot, especially about themes such as feminism, gender equality, genderqueer, ethical non-monogamy, and general politics. Being in a metropolitan city has broadened my horizons and needless to say, I never want to go back to what I would now consider ignorant. I know this sounds judgemental, I mean it about how I see myself back before I moved away from home. I do not mean that people who don’t live in cities with millions of people in it are ignorant.

Now I have thought some about it and most of this knowledge has come to me via my numerous poly friends, lovers and partners. Polyamory, of course has a lot of benefits, but for me personally, I have found a source of unlimited knowledge within the diversity of people around me. Many people are within the same circles and feel strongly about the same things, again feminism, gender equality etc.

Spending time with The Bohemian adds very different characteristics to discussions, as he is more judgemental and cynical, more the way I am, less than many others I know.

Having very different friends can also have this benefit but I feel with the basis of polyamory, the way I gain this knowledge is more personal. The nature of my poly lifestyle brings me to many events filled with beautiful and fascinating people, but it also gives me many very intimate moments, primarily on dates, where I can exchange myself with someone else on a deep and personal level. These are the moments where I not only connect with someone intellectually but I get to embrace their entire personality, their opinions, views but also passions and motivations.

I find polyamory to be a wonderful source of many benefits, and until now I was focused on the emotional ones. I am very happy to also have discovered how it has helped me grow in other areas!

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange