Heartbreak

Break ups don’t get easier. I have gone through many. Some hurt more than others. In this case, a partner of 5 months broke up with me. I was so happy, and so in love with him that he officially became a partner, instead of a boyfriend, quite quickly.

Two weeks ago, we were watching a film, and I spoiled a couple of things, and because he was a bit annoyed about it, I went internal for a bit to process and to calm myself to not spoil any more things. It felt like a good thing to do to sit back for a bit. My phone opened on an article I had left there for later reading. So I read it. It was an everdayfeminism.com article on women’s emotional labour (http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/06/emotional-labor-womens-lives/). As I read it I started crying. It resonated with me so strongly. He leaned over to check in and I requested that we keep watching the film but he insisted on talking to me. And it got a bit muddled and I said that I didn’t think he could relate to this. The next thing I know he has left my house without an explanation.

I wrote him to ask what was going on. He asked me to leave him alone but in my confusion I pushed. He then responded saying we were done. After two weeks of silence, he has confirmed that this is the case and he actually meant his last message to me. He also said he probably doesn’t want to talk about this as he doesn’t see the point.

I feel like I am 15 again. Blaming myself, asking myself what I did wrong. Wondering if or when I could contact him. What the best thing to do was. In the end, his message indicated that there was no right thing to do. He had made up his mind. I love him dearly still and feel like I would beg on my knees to have him back.

But I am 27, and I know that I am not the defining factor here, there are two of us and we both hurt each other. Yes, I made a mistake but I have now apologised. I wanted to talk so I could explain and apologise but he does not want this.  He doesn’t want to talk. I don’t get to know what went on inside his head, he doesn’t want to know what I thought or felt. I could learn a lot from knowing what he felt. I like growing after all. So I will grow by finding my own way of stopping the blaming questions in my head, the regret that forms a lump in my throat and the pain that’s twisting my heart.

 

Luckily enough so many wonderful people and partners are out there, who lovingly support me through this. I can only hope it will be another 5 years before I get dumped like this again.

Nice Guy / Bad Boy

We have heard it all: ‘But I am a nice guy!’ Or ‘Why do women want bad boys?’

This post is not about men complaining about this. It is more a thought about how black and white the dating world seems to see this. Having spend more time on OKC, reading profiles and various online dating horror stories, I started to think about my own behaviour in dating as well as a friend.

I am usually busy. In the last few months I added full time work, two new hobbies and a lover. Adding this to my existing partners, friends and other engagements, my schedule is rammed. Reevaluating my priorities and finding ways to split my time in a satisfactory manor is a hard an ongoing process. And then I drop the ball on people. I went on two OKC dates which were fun but I just forgot to respond or chase up and well, now there is silence, which just gets longer and the longer it is the harder it becomes to find the strength to respond, as now you need to apologise for the delay in responding. I might now be considered a bitch, or a ‘bad date’ or just anything negative really as I failed to communicate to these people that I am to busy to really date them. Ironically I have failed to communicate that I am too busy, because I am so busy. I have hurt people and been mean to them without meaning to do so. I still consider myself ‘nice’.

With most of our communication, including planning being done in writing, the main thing getting lost is tone. Is this short digital message really meant the way it sounds in my head? Will the person think I am rude? Do I sound too pressuring? Add to this that our communication about emotions and intentions in real life can be stifled, delayed or just inexistent. Honesty can be very scary. Silence is often easier then finding a way of letting someone down. Facing the pain you might cause is hard, just vanishing is easier, right?

So people go silent, feelings get hurt and Boom someone is a bad boy or a bitch. There are so many variables that influence someones behaviour. We like to find malicious intent where there might only have been carelessness or even fear. In cases like the ‘I am a nice guy, women only want bad boys’ trope, could it be that we want to see these bad boys/girls as more evil than they are to soothe ourselves or even to justify our own behaviour?

Someone I briefly dated who then became my friend did mention this ‘nice guy’ stuff a few times. I was at the time dating a person who was not really good to me, but who I know never intended to hurt me. My friend saw me suffer and wanted me to be with him, as he was ‘nicer’. We are no longer friends because in the end he was actually malicious to me. So who is really the ‘nice guy’?

It should really be kind not ‘nice’.  It would be kind to show understanding and forgiveness. It would be kind to be honest and respectful. It would be kind if dating would be easier 😉

 

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

 

 

I have a confession to make

Over the years, growing more into polyamory, being intimate on various levels with many different people, I have finally come to terms with one thing: I am not a cuddler.

Don’t get me wrong, I love hugs. I love hugging people as a greeting, as a lovely intimate moment of connection. I love feeling the persons heartbeat against my body, breathing in and out together, feeling the comfort. they-do-love-to-cuddle-imgurBut cuddles? That is a tricky area for me. I like to cuddle for a few minutes at a time, maybe only 30 seconds. I don’t like skin on skin, as it gets sticky and sweaty really quickly. Also often my shoulder ends up hurting if I lie on it weirdly trying to snuggle someone. A little here and there is good but I always felt that the message about cuddles is : ‘More is always better’ or ‘There can never be enough’ cuddles or ‘Cuddles always help’. Cuddle piles and ‘Send cuddles’ status updates seem so lovely, but for me it doesn’t sit right.As it is a huge part of the loving poly community, I thought for a long time I needed to love cuddles as much as everyone else seems to. There was cuddle pressure. I have recently admitted to myself that this is not on my ‘likes’ list. I put the pressure on myself. The loving poly community loves me as I am, cuddles or no cuddles.

Love hugs, love kisses, don’t like cuddling. Limited Cuddle Time available – Book now. Or something.

I feel like a cat – independent and stroppy. I want a bit of petting now and when I have had enough I will scratch you and wander off. And this is in no way a judgement or grumble at people who love cuddling. Please go forth and enjoy all the cuddles! 🙂

 

I don’t really know why I wrote this post – Random Post Achievement Unlocked!

 

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

A Thought and a Message

Unfortunately recently I haven’t been able to post anything as my daily life has changed quite a lot. I started a post graduate in Events Management, which is super exciting but also extremely hectic and intense. It also forced me to be around people who are less exposed to my poly, pervert, play lifestyle. Eventually some of my classmates put the pieces together when I said, ‘my boyfriend’ and the next day ‘my girlfriend’.

And then came the usual questions. While answering them, something became clear to me. There was the impression that dating multiple people was harder than one person. Suddenly it struck me, currently my lovely poly relationships are so lovely and wonderful because they are in one word – easy. Neither of my partners, nor any of my casual partners have any expectations of me. There is a loving understanding of mutual support and companionship without expectations. We are able to enjoy each others company without any pressure.

That’s it, the pressure is off! My partners know who I am and I know them. We understand needs, wants and just let each other life our lives while being there for each other. I no longer have to worry about pleasing them, or asking for something. It is seems to flow seamlessly. And I am eternally grateful to both of them for having helped us reach this point. It feels comfortable, it feels safe. Exactly what I need at this point where my life has changed. I am certain that if I was monogamous, I would feel a lot more panic about my relationship right now, as stress, unmet needs and expectations would start to bubble into a toxic cocktail. Poly allows me to enjoy my partners and what I have with them. I no longer focus on what I don’t have with them. This is currently for me, the best thing ever!

As my life has changed, I have also made the choice to take a break for the summer from my polyamory blog. I will be putting my ducks in a row and figure out how and when I can continue with my beloved Poly Orange.

In the meantime,

Love and Be Loved

ThePolyOrange

The Productivity Conundrum or Ah! I don’t know what to do!

Last week I was on holiday with a friend in Lanzarote. A beautiful Canary Island full of tourists. We found ourselves in a resort with four different pools, a main one, a Kids one, but the one I care about the most, a ‘Quiet Zone’ Pool, with a  little cushion and benches area for ‘Adults only’. A large buffet with a special vegan corner for us. Bliss.

I loved going on these type of holidays as a child. All the activities, the tours around the island, playing GameBoy and reading books combined with copious amounts of food. This was very similar, except that I felt like I wasn’t doing enough. How can I relax when I haven’t even finished reading my book yet? Is there nothing better to do than enjoy the sun and a swim? Basically my mind was going crazy with this relaxing idea.

Luckily enough, my friend loves walking so we walked our 10.000 steps along the beach everyday. She told me that there is nothing to do here but relax. It was the purpose of our trip. So I kept myself from spending too much money and only purchased a couple of small gifts for close ones. We went on exploring trips around the Island. I finished reading my book and started a new one without the pressure of finishing it. I swam in the sea without it feeling like exercise but pure pleasure. And I got a tan.

Now I am at home with a few spare days left before my full-time course starts. I have chores etc that need to be done but all in all I have quite some time to, well relax. This morning started off well, I got up and did a few things like checking money, clearing up, getting started on an editing project. Then I was sitting there overwhelmed by the other things that I still have planned. I might have been sitting still but my mind was pacing up and down the room trying to figure out how to get myself to do these things on my list.

I remembered I wanted to go to the cinema and see a film before it stopped showing. Checked times. Decided on one. Decided on when to leave the house and how to combine the trip with grocery shopping, getting materials for my course (I am a sucker for a pretty notepad). Now I have a plan, and all is good. I feel I can stick to that plan and until then do other things that make me panic less, such as play a video game and write my next blog entry, well this one.

So here it is, a brief view on how I, a usually very organised person, deal with relaxation, productivity and planning.

Love and Be Loved

ThePolyOrange

The Intellectual Benefits of Polyamory

Today I had a little epiphany. I found myself watching a pilot episode of a new US series which is build around a white middle aged heterosexual male, who “has it all”, as they say. He feels confined and bland, so he starts to break free of his job but then finds his wife cheating.

This is as far as I got before stopping to write this post. From the description, this revelation does not end in divorce and the story focusses on the couple trying to find a way of dealing with the mundanity of everyday life in the white upper class in the US. Now, while watching this all sorts of words came to mind: white privilege, white heterosexual male etc.

I realised that 5 years ago I wouldn’t have thought about it that way. Since I moved to London I have learned a lot, especially about themes such as feminism, gender equality, genderqueer, ethical non-monogamy, and general politics. Being in a metropolitan city has broadened my horizons and needless to say, I never want to go back to what I would now consider ignorant. I know this sounds judgemental, I mean it about how I see myself back before I moved away from home. I do not mean that people who don’t live in cities with millions of people in it are ignorant.

Now I have thought some about it and most of this knowledge has come to me via my numerous poly friends, lovers and partners. Polyamory, of course has a lot of benefits, but for me personally, I have found a source of unlimited knowledge within the diversity of people around me. Many people are within the same circles and feel strongly about the same things, again feminism, gender equality etc.

Spending time with The Bohemian adds very different characteristics to discussions, as he is more judgemental and cynical, more the way I am, less than many others I know.

Having very different friends can also have this benefit but I feel with the basis of polyamory, the way I gain this knowledge is more personal. The nature of my poly lifestyle brings me to many events filled with beautiful and fascinating people, but it also gives me many very intimate moments, primarily on dates, where I can exchange myself with someone else on a deep and personal level. These are the moments where I not only connect with someone intellectually but I get to embrace their entire personality, their opinions, views but also passions and motivations.

I find polyamory to be a wonderful source of many benefits, and until now I was focused on the emotional ones. I am very happy to also have discovered how it has helped me grow in other areas!

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

Selfless Love

What does Love mean for you?

Can you love selflessly? Do you want to love selflessly? Without expecting anything in return?

Florent Pagny seems to think so : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-gh2hIRhkc

Alanis Morisette as well : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jD6Lo_7HCm0

 

But is it really that easy? Is it even doable?

Ever since I discovered Polyamory I knew that selfless love had to come in to some degree. Being poly means not being possessive, letting your love be who they are, giving them freedom. But you do also care about them. So what are you going to do if they want you not to worry when they feel down and need their own space; when you barely get a word out of them and just have to be patient and wait, knowing that they are currently unhappy?

You want them to let you know they are doing alright. You want to help yet they won’t let you.

And all that is still the White Knight stuff. What about needs, wants, wishes? Shall you just wait and hope that they are willing to do something nice for you as well? I guess there is selfless love and unrequited love. Selfless love takes a lot of maturity, knowing when your own health and wellbeing are on the line, when things go to far, when you have become someones slave.

In my relationships I am not loving selflessly. I am trying to give my partners what they desire but I do still very much want them to take care of me in return. I recently had a talk with the German where I broke down due to me feeling like he was lecturing me about selfless love. It sounded like he was saying he was loving me this way and I was not capable of doing the same. Of course this is how it sounded in my head. He confirmed that he himself is just the same: aspiring it but not quite capable of.

I think the sort of love I am aspiring to is more of a enjoy-what-you-have-without-forcing-it. Like with the Lumberjack, who recently texted me saying he is very very very busy and we will probably meet up once a month or so, again something we don’t want to force out of guilt or stress etc.

I started thinking about this even before my breakfast since the German is currently unresponsive and I know what that means. I am hoping he will soon feel better but until then, like my best friend said, even though about a completely different topic, twiddle with your thumbs and wait. Ah Patience, the one thing I find oh so very hard to learn.

 

Love and Be Loved, and have a good weekend!

ThePolyOrange