Nice Guy / Bad Boy

We have heard it all: ‘But I am a nice guy!’ Or ‘Why do women want bad boys?’

This post is not about men complaining about this. It is more a thought about how black and white the dating world seems to see this. Having spend more time on OKC, reading profiles and various online dating horror stories, I started to think about my own behaviour in dating as well as a friend.

I am usually busy. In the last few months I added full time work, two new hobbies and a lover. Adding this to my existing partners, friends and other engagements, my schedule is rammed. Reevaluating my priorities and finding ways to split my time in a satisfactory manor is a hard an ongoing process. And then I drop the ball on people. I went on two OKC dates which were fun but I just forgot to respond or chase up and well, now there is silence, which just gets longer and the longer it is the harder it becomes to find the strength to respond, as now you need to apologise for the delay in responding. I might now be considered a bitch, or a ‘bad date’ or just anything negative really as I failed to communicate to these people that I am to busy to really date them. Ironically I have failed to communicate that I am too busy, because I am so busy. I have hurt people and been mean to them without meaning to do so. I still consider myself ‘nice’.

With most of our communication, including planning being done in writing, the main thing getting lost is tone. Is this short digital message really meant the way it sounds in my head? Will the person think I am rude? Do I sound too pressuring? Add to this that our communication about emotions and intentions in real life can be stifled, delayed or just inexistent. Honesty can be very scary. Silence is often easier then finding a way of letting someone down. Facing the pain you might cause is hard, just vanishing is easier, right?

So people go silent, feelings get hurt and Boom someone is a bad boy or a bitch. There are so many variables that influence someones behaviour. We like to find malicious intent where there might only have been carelessness or even fear. In cases like the ‘I am a nice guy, women only want bad boys’ trope, could it be that we want to see these bad boys/girls as more evil than they are to soothe ourselves or even to justify our own behaviour?

Someone I briefly dated who then became my friend did mention this ‘nice guy’ stuff a few times. I was at the time dating a person who was not really good to me, but who I know never intended to hurt me. My friend saw me suffer and wanted me to be with him, as he was ‘nicer’. We are no longer friends because in the end he was actually malicious to me. So who is really the ‘nice guy’?

It should really be kind not ‘nice’.  It would be kind to show understanding and forgiveness. It would be kind to be honest and respectful. It would be kind if dating would be easier 😉

 

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

 

 

A Thought and a Message

Unfortunately recently I haven’t been able to post anything as my daily life has changed quite a lot. I started a post graduate in Events Management, which is super exciting but also extremely hectic and intense. It also forced me to be around people who are less exposed to my poly, pervert, play lifestyle. Eventually some of my classmates put the pieces together when I said, ‘my boyfriend’ and the next day ‘my girlfriend’.

And then came the usual questions. While answering them, something became clear to me. There was the impression that dating multiple people was harder than one person. Suddenly it struck me, currently my lovely poly relationships are so lovely and wonderful because they are in one word – easy. Neither of my partners, nor any of my casual partners have any expectations of me. There is a loving understanding of mutual support and companionship without expectations. We are able to enjoy each others company without any pressure.

That’s it, the pressure is off! My partners know who I am and I know them. We understand needs, wants and just let each other life our lives while being there for each other. I no longer have to worry about pleasing them, or asking for something. It is seems to flow seamlessly. And I am eternally grateful to both of them for having helped us reach this point. It feels comfortable, it feels safe. Exactly what I need at this point where my life has changed. I am certain that if I was monogamous, I would feel a lot more panic about my relationship right now, as stress, unmet needs and expectations would start to bubble into a toxic cocktail. Poly allows me to enjoy my partners and what I have with them. I no longer focus on what I don’t have with them. This is currently for me, the best thing ever!

As my life has changed, I have also made the choice to take a break for the summer from my polyamory blog. I will be putting my ducks in a row and figure out how and when I can continue with my beloved Poly Orange.

In the meantime,

Love and Be Loved

ThePolyOrange

Chemistry Connections

Over the last few months, I have met quite a few new people as well as tried to move closer to some people I already know. Throughout all of this, I felt a lot of different emotions ranging from excitement to fear. I was also very happy at different points.

I was wondering if I had stretched myself too far recently. I was at one point dreading seeing somebody. I felt pressured to be social, and/or sexual. Maybe I should take a step back.

I actually felt pressured about two new people I was seeing. One was for a second date which was set to be at home, and made me quite worried about having to play. The other, I had been seeing for a while but was not as excited about anymore. I felt confused and scared.

At the same time, I had a wonderful first date with someone. The Chemistry was very clear. It was quite overwhelming to feel this way, in the middle of all these other things.  It made me wonder if maybe I was “settling” in a way for the less intense moments due to my pursuit of this strength of chemistry.

The more I analysed these feelings, the more I realised that it wasn’t about all of it being too much, but that it was about each individual person.

I got up the courage to discuss some of these things with the people it concerned, and thanks to their support and honesty, the pressure was lifted.

The intensity of chemistry was something I have desired for a while, but it didn’t directly change my feelings about anyone else. I was worried I would want to discard others because of certain intensities, but I didn’t. It just helped me put things in perspective, but it also gave me the courage to discuss how I felt.

Each relationship with each person felt separate from the others. They are only impacted by each other due to restrictions of time, a day does only have 24hrs. But in general, I learned to look at everyone individually and look at how I felt towards them, allowing me to appreciate them all the more.

Chemistry and Connections are always different, unique, special. Individuals coming together to create something singular, original rare.

 

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

 

 

 

Mental Health Mess

So I recently decided it was time for some counselling. I was not really keen on waiting around for the NHS so I went for private. I found a great therapist via pinktherapy.com, who has experience in dealing with poly and kinky people. I was recommended a book and his advice seemed all like things I should already know and only had to apply.

Today I was supposed to go to Uni and I was supposed to go to swing dance class. I did neither of those things. Being in a room with a dozen strangers and the pressure to perform just felt completely off. Yesterday I got angry at the Goth and today I struggled with the guilt.

I seem to find so much duality inside my head. Did I overreact or not? Are my arguments rational and my expectations reasonable? Should I go and face my potential panic of being put under pressure?

My therapist gave me all the tools I should have to deal with this but today I was just drawing a blank. Why? Feeling so unbalanced I have to constantly work and focus to keep myself acting in the most constructive way. I can turn anger into hurt, depression into sadness, anxiety into concern but it is so exhausting to always take the high road. Seems like today I was unable to do so in any way.

It made me think some more about where I am at and how I ended up here. Simple: Your mental health is threatened as soon as you are confronted with a situation in which your usual modus operandi does not apply. The struggle to grow beyond what you are used to, to accept a new reality and to adapt can be the biggest challenge but also the biggest reward.

I used to relish in growing. Developing myself and increasing my awareness used to be fun. Today they weren’t. Today, and a lot over the last months I preferred to stick my head into the sand. I never thiught I could struggle so much with something that used to come to me so easily.

I wilk finish by saying, screw this. I can have a day off. People on diets get cheat days. Well I shall have some too. All this pressure is one of my issues so I will not let it ruin all my work so far. I can’t constantly grow. There is no sun during the night 😉

Mental health does not magically change over night. I was too excited that I had advanced that I thought I could not go bsck. Today felt like failure and taking a step backward but it wasn’t. It was a day off. As my little book says: I am a fallible human being. And today I felt.

Tomorrow is another day and we can then get up again and keep going. Keep your eyes on the goal and go at your own pace! It is our mind, nobody else’s. Since we are in control, we can all be sure that we choose the right path, pace and peace for ourselves.
It was time I reminded myself of that.

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange