Safety Net on the rollercoaster

Recently life has been good. Recently life has been not so good. Professionally and privately things are actually really good. Other things out of my control, happening to other people are not so good. The problem is that these bad things are affecting me and I need to protect myself from them.

I am trying to deal with a close one, who is not like they used to be, who is not doing well. This person has made poor choices with unluckily bad consequences which have drained and exhausted their close ones including me. I am hurt. Sadly it was not anything malicious, just something silly that went badly wrong and now I am struggling to handle how it affects me and the others.

Same as a few years ago when a very close friend confused me with his aggression and demands which ended our friendship, I am now again not really knowing how to move on. I will never likely get a genuine apology, an explanation, a gesture that will help me find closure. I need to find my own way to resolve the situation in my own head and heart.

In both situations, I am notable to ask the question: Why? I want to know what went through their minds, or how they feel about what happened once the dust has settled. I worry about my performance as a friend and if I did all I could do. I question my loyalty. I see my self protection as selfishness. I judge myself. I worry about my friends and community judging me.I wonder what more I could have done. The answer is: nothing, without doing harm to myself. I decided to focus on helping those who have given their support. Strengthen the web of mutual help and support.

So many things are wonderful right now, but these unresolved emotions lurk in the back of my mind. I get reminded of what it used to be like to have those people in my life. Because I made so many ties to activities and things to these friends in my mind, the reminders are everywhere.

For you own protection, you sometimes need to cut the ties, although that takes time.

Guilt update

I am sorry for projecting my frustrations and feeling angry. I am at the moment unable to feel anything different. Just anger. It’s not their fault nor their responsibility.

I feel guilty for feeling angry, for having those needs. I feel guilty for all of it. And I don’t know how to handle it at the moment. I feel guilty for throwing it all onto someone. I feel guilty for getting angry about what he said even though he just wanted to help me. I feel guilty for not loving selflessly… I feel guilty for feeling to horrible. Damn visious cycle. Sorry. Nothing is working out today.

 

 

 

Oh Boy…

And I thought I failed hard last weekend. I fucked up even more this one.

 

Let’s back up a little. I have been seeing the German for about 7 months now and over those months the first 6 were spent taking care of him when we were together, supporting him and making sure he is happy. Helping him develop his sexuality and position himself in this relationship. In September I had a breakdown and realised I needed to start covering my own desires a bit more. Unfortunately I am not very good in how to ask for support and help and all that.

 

With the Goth this was easier. He knew about my issues, I explained and he gave me space. Just the way I needed and still do.

 

With the German, this was the first time the dynamics changed between us. It was all wrong over the last few weeks. This weekend as well, when I went to visit. I threw all my insecurities, all my frustrations, everything onto him at the worst moment possible. I had to run and hide when I realised what I was feeling. I took a step back, well I tried. I had a choice. Not feel this way and let him enjoy this moment or say how I feel and ask for help. I went for the latter. I was too hurt. I didn’t get the support I needed because A: I didn’t explicitly say so and B: The German was physically and mentally exhausted and too strained to be able to bother (as he explained earlier today)

 

On the way home very early this morning, I was extremely quiet. All I said was that I was sorry. Then I cried and said that I just realised whenever I asked for real support I ended up feeling guilty afterwards. The German pulled the car over and hugged me. I was really happy he did that. I would not have been able to pick myself up otherwise.

 

Today I felt very guilty about last night still. We talked some more. We both knew that this was exhausting and all we did was discuss our issues recently. Finally we established that we need to become more aware of what we want and how to give it to each other. Unfortunately this does include more communication but I am sure it will be better afterwards. It’s funny how I already feel better about it then before just because we decided we no longer want it to be that way.

 

I am proud of him and of myself. He managed to pick himself up well a few times and kept his head straight. He might have strayed from his path but managed to get back on it. I was aware of my feelings and consciously made a choice about my behaviour. It might not always be the best one but at least I am aware.

 

More generally:

What does a relationship constitute of? Love? Happiness? Passion?

Well I thought about this last week already and for me it is the give and take. Wanting to make someone happy and letting them make you happy. For me this does not work if one does not know what one needs nor is able to state it.

 

Communication, Balance, Honesty.

 

My three key words when in a relationship.

 

Love and Be Loved,

 

 

ThePolyOrange

Fail

Seriously. I thought I had learned something over the last few weeks but apparently I haven’t.

I know how to be more selfish but I just went from one extreme into the other. I did my usual thing. I have not been able to communicate the things I desire in a clear way and eventually one frustrating event triggered all of these emotions. Result: Anger. Let loose on one person.

This would be easier if the things I said in those moments were untrue. Unfortunately I know exactly where to hit and what to say and often in a very cruel way.

Still this time it was not really the case. I expressed concerns in a complete honest way which equals harsh truth. I ranted about how much I cared as well. What I did not know at the time is that the person I was ranting at was in a bad place as well. So I made it all worse, ignoring their feelings and throwing up all the negative emotions that have stored inside me over the last months in one go all over them.

The next day I felt horrible. We talked again that evening. I had to hear what I did.

The main things the German told me at this point is that he has trouble dealing with knowing that my happiness relies in any way on him. He does not like the responsibility  It makes him feel like he is loosing the freedom to deal with his own emotions if he has to.

This sucks frankly. To hear that someone is not ready to take care of you, yet you take care of them. He doesn’t like this either. That it is often all about him. But then again I can understand his need for space and personal time. So we decided to leave it as it was. If he needs to be on his own he does not have to tell me. I just want him to talk to me when he is better so I will know what went on and might be able to reach out to him then.

So again, after a long talk that lead to nothing and a longer one that did, we found a better way of being together (even when actually apart). I realised that I need to communicate my needs better and more often rather than have them suppressed. So when I said I wanted support, I still don’t really know what I mean with that. I guess I also want someone to hold my head, kiss my forehead and say it will all be fine… Don’t we all need that sometimes?

 

Love and BeLoved,

 

 

ThePolyOrange

Those Two

Meh. I am not sure if this is fair or ethical but with my recent revelations of selfishness I have also come across about how unbalanced my relationships can feel.

So this is a little bit of a rant at my two boyfriends. I love them and they have both done stuff for me and supported me. However I feel like I am the one doing more.

This is going back to a post a few days ago. I just found myself yearning for love letters, of which I have written at least a few for every man I loved. I found myself yearning for little pieces of attention that make me feel special.

When I love someone I want them to be happy and throw myself into it head over heels to make that person feel special and loved. It looks like I happen to find men with issues. And men who can’t express their feelings that well.

Oh well. I guess that is all of them?! Not true, last night I met someone who is in a similar situation. He told me his girlfriend helped him communicate and they seem like a great couple.

So here is a message for all you guys out there, and girls. If you love someone, go ahead and show it. Go up to them, hug them spontaneously, kiss them, stroke them and tell them how much you love them. (Do this especially if you know they like it) Go ahead get over yourselves 😛

In moments like these I wish I was dating myself. I am very happy to be alone for a bit more. Gives me time to figure out stuff. Still would be nice to get more support from my dear lovers. Strange that the ones that I am actually in love with support me less than the fuckbuddies I love.

Maybe I’ll need to find a better way to make this clear. Maybe it is just something they don’t want to do or are unable to do. It just does not make me happy to realise this over and over again. I think the way forward is to take a step back, yet again, and do more stuff for me. Screw them for not giving me the support I desire. I shall give it to myself 😀

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

1st October and now?

So my last few days have been a bit hectic. Trying to enjoy my last moments in the presence of the German, returning to London and starting Uni. All very intense.

Now I have decided to stick to my plan. Find out what I need. Then see about everything else. Uni seems good and I am confident I can make it. However in my world there is not much space for love right now. I feel like taking a step back. This time would be ideal to be alone if I wasn’t living with the Goth. I don’t really know what to do. I haven’t seen him in a while and am happy to be around him but not very into dealing with relationship stuff right now.

I guess it is time to be a bit selfish again. God, I need to relax. Only time will tell how well it will all work out. So bear with me, I will let you guys know how I am doing. I feel like I left the German in a good space where he is balanced and happy and can work and evolve all by himself without needing my help anymore. I feel like the Goth is able to give me a bit of space.

It looks good. But I am not 100% sure.

 

Until then.

Love and Be Loved,

 

ThePolyOrange

Change

Oh bloody hell, I am so scared.

This coming Monday my new course at a semi-new Uni will start. It means I will actually have to be productive and stop doing what I have been doing for the last six months = lazing about.

But this is not only scary because I have to make an effort at Uni. It mainly is because a lot is changing. I have decided to find a new way of life that will help me balance my altruism and my egotism better in the future. So I will go to Uni, go to Spanish classes, try and find time for myself and then for friends and relationships. I don’t want to again, explode all over people that do not deserve it because I can’t balance myself properly.

This is what is ahead and I am trying to look as confidently as I can towards it.

Furthermore I would like to thank all of my long time friends for standing by my side through this shitty period in which I did not communicate sufficiently nor politely. I would like to apologise to them that I have dumped my shit on top of them repeatedly. Without them I would not be as strong as I am today. I will do my best to make them feel more appreciated in the future. (If I don’t and forget about this, send me the link and bash my head against the wall)

Also I need to thank my beautiful boyfriends who have so much patience for me. I know I can be unfair and unfocused. I am also working on that.

Almost done: I am grateful to all my other friends that have contributed to my life and helped me through it as well as I have done so far. In particular my Guardian and my Luxembourgish Lover (thanks for the tough love and honesty, guys)

Last but not least let me say something: Here I come future, in your face, full frontal, at my career, at my life, at my own happiness! Screw being scared!

I love you guys! Thanks for all the help, love and support!

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

Selfish 2

This post is also entitled Selfish but is not actually about selfless love. It´s about loving yourself.

My mother always used to tell me that if you are not a happy and balanced person, you should not be in a serious relationship.
It is easy to be in a relationship, even a mildly serious one, if you have deep emotional problems, like commitment issues and intimacy problems. But there is always a risk of hiding and denying your problems as well as projecting them onto your partner.

So the safer option is to take regular care of yourself or at least try, because lord knows, hardly any human being on this planet has no emotional issues and is able to be perfectly happy most of the time.

I say this but I have difficulty doing this. I am rarely able to say, no, this is where I need to look after myself and take a step back, stop being social and relax. Recently I came to the point of breaking because it felt like everyone needed me in some sense and I was getting shit all over the place…. Finally I took the spoace I needed and I feel much better but I also know now that I need much more of this space and I want it plain and simple. I like being in my fortress of solitude not having to take care of everyone, be respectful, politically correct and just nice. Some people are hard to deal with a lot of the time and I can´t do it anymore.

I still stand behind my statement of selfless love but I can only do this if I have everything I need, feel balanced and safe.

Being selfish, yes that is necessary and it can feel great. I have been with the German this weekend and as usual we tend to talk a fair amount. This time he confessed to feeling rather guilty when being on the receiving end. He said there was this shadow present restraining him from feeling full guilt free pleasure. He also mentioned how sometimes when he was rather forced to be isolated he ended up relaxing, thinking and learning a lot in the process.

I suggested he should join me in my 24h lock up. I intend to shut myself off the world completely for 24h in the next coming 2 weeks. It looks like we might do this together, exchange password for our skype fb etc lokc each other out of our accounts and then be completely on our own for a whole day. This day would end with us meeting again most probably. Might be a good idea, might not. Stay tuned for the results.

 

From the last few weeks I have learned one thing: looking after yourself rocks! (even though I might not have done much thinking, I still feel better by just knowing that all this is “me” time)

The German needs to do some of this too but I am sure he will get around to it soon enough.

So close your eyes, look into yourself and do at least one thing today that is completely and utterly selfish! It´s worth it 😉 I for one am going to play Sims 3 and not be afraid of ruining my gamer reputation 😛

 

Love and Be Loved,

 

ThePolyOrange

Fortress of Solitude

So while taking care so much of other people, I often realised that I needed to look after myself. I have been feeling like this for about 8 months. I am finally doing this.

Fortress of Solitude. I decided to look after myself. Do what I want to do and basically didn’t bother with anyone who would be any emotional work for a few days. After my 48h shrink session I was exhausted. I went to the cinema on my own and stayed up late. I slept through half of my days. I still ended up in a pile of emowork.

My good friend in London talked to me about a lot of stuff which I didn’t mind because I feel he would never judge me and I can tell him anything.

He send me an article about being socially addicted. I do sometimes feel a little like Jules from Cougar Town. But I guess I just have a little talent to get myself into situations where I could do something fun with friends and I just never say no since I tell myself, meh can be alone some other time. That time just never comes along.

But these days I took that time for myself. And what I mainly realised is that just knowing that I was looking after myself made me feel better already. I found time to think but also to just procrastinate. I haven’t found answers to everything I wanted to think about but I feel a lot more balanced.

We’ll see how this process will help in the coming weeks.

 

Love and be Loved,

 

ThePolyOrange

Recent Thoughts

Due to recent events I got into talking about all the people that came and left my life over the past year, and my past in general. My desires and sexuality are very fluid. My interests change. 

I also have a limited amount of attention to give and time to spent with people. I realise this connects to my post about selfishness.

As I progress from one relationship to another my priorities change and I find that people fade away, may it be due to neglect or something else but mostly they just drift away. It’s sad. I never dare to tell them what they meant to me nor do I find a way to give those relationships the ending they deserve…

It is always difficult when things like these end. 

It is even worse when you stop being interested in someone in some way, like sexually. Someone you use to want to be intimate with but now prefer to be platonic and friendly with. How do you tell someone this? Why has it happened?

The answer I found so far is that Sex 1on1 is really emotionally stressful for me. I get shy, nervous and self conscious. Sometimes my needs change and this person, as harsh as it sounds, no longer seems worth the effort I have to put in to be sexually comfortabel with them for what I get out of the encounter.

It is hard to face this. It is even worse to not be able to explain this to someone. I am worried to hurt people in this way.

However I am glad I bothered to think this through even though it means I have to admit that I can be a shy little girl, whose ways look selfish and retracted sometimes which contradicts my usually open and dominant nature. (I do really like feeling protected and safe, another thing hard to admit)

 

I guess I have a lot of things to admit, to stop being in denial about and to own up to but it is all part of the process of growing. Another Fucking Opportunity to Grow!

 

Love and Be Loved,

 

ThePolyOrange