First contact

New Year, New Adventures, New Problems, New Experiences, New Opportunities.

My first big adventure this year was a trip to Germany to commemorate a friend. It was a weekend of Goodbye’s but also Welcome’s. For the first few nights I was staying with a man I had met shortly after I got together with the German back over 2 years ago. We seemed to always like each other but for various reasons we were never able to spend much time together. Well this weekend we did, and it was lovely. Due to the reasons for my trip, my mood was complex and we failed to connect quite as intimately as we’d hoped.

Thursday evening was filled with hours of chatting to each other about life, love and lust. It can be incredible fun to sit around and discuss each others experiences and expectations. It can also be uncomfortable, not necessarily awkward but individually, internally it can sting. Someone you are really into shares details of their sexuality with you. A lot of it sounds delicious but some things raise worries about incompatibility. Sexual preferences, kinky practices that the other finds essential, you do not. Does this mean you will clash? Does it mean an intimate encounter will be unsatisfying for both of you? Is this all already doomed?

On that evening, while talking about many things, we were not open about these kind of concerns. As the weekend progressed, my mind got heavier and I wasn’t feeling intimate anymore. A lot more talking happened, around how tricky sexual encounters can be, and how it would just be easier to communicate during. We both felt how social conventions were restricting sexuality with ridiculous concepts of how it all should be. Obvious example: heterosexual sex is penis in vagina with simultaneous orgasms. This is a man who understands, and is capable of the importance of honest and clear communication. He also, in his very own way, rejects social conventions and insists on being individual and adaptable (if he wasn’t at least a little like this, I doubt would like him for anything more than his looks).

When dating, sharing experiences and desires can be very titillating. There is a risk of reducing excitement, but unless you try out and talk, you are unlikely to find a real answer. More often than not there are ways of adapting preferences and fantasies to make for a satisfying and interesting encounter. As usually with me, the rule is communication (If reading much of my blog, one might have noticed that by now).

Sunday morning there was tensions, we both felt it. I am incredibly grateful for both of us opening up, then and there to each other, to prevent an ending filled with frustration and resent. Primarily we told each other how we felt, and where we were standing. To the happiness of both of us, we agreed. For many reasons, and amazing people, I might have to come back to Germany, yet again!

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

New is Always Better

I like excitement and find more interest in new things to explore. This also goes for people. One of the reasons why I can’t imagine myself ever being monogamous is because I see myself getting bored only being able to be with one person. Just a few years of the same person seems scary, let alone a decade or a lifetime.

Considering divorce and cheating statistics, I get the feeling I am not the only one who feels like this. However there are people who get more excited by someone once they know them better, and who don’t get bored. It appears to be natural to them to find excitement constantly in the same person. I envy this. I would not find myself having lovers slip into the friend zone.

I have wondered where my sexual desire for people comes from. When someone is new to you, you can imagine all the amazing things that could happen between you. Once you get there, this beautiful thing becomes a real person, not a fantasy. Sometimes someone having a strong desire for me can reignite my fire, or seeing them with someone else can. I have found myself stop feeling sexual towards someone because I was monogamous for a while, then going back to being intimate proved incredibly difficult for me.

Recently I have been working on Mindfulness, a sort of meditation technique which I intend to post about once I have explored it more (again something new). It got me thinking about how meditation and intentional thinking can make me find that desire I thought I had lost for someone if I wish to make it surge again. Perhaps by thinking about certain events with this person that were intense, or imagining them when masturbating to bring my sexual energy closer to their presence in my mind, to associate both together again.

I might have to post about this again after I have experimented with it.

Maybe I am not so obsessed with new people as I once thought I was, in my phase where screwing people was more like a sport than an intimate encounter between two beings. I think I can relax about this subject considering I have not gained any more lovers since the summer. However two of my dearest lovers will have to depart soon, which makes room for new people. I can only hope I won’t get carried away 😉

Love and Be Loved

ThePolyOrange

What if?

I wanted to finally write about something less based on only me and more general about the polyamorous lifestyle.
One of the main things people in ethical non-monogamous relationships face is the what if question every time their partner, or themselves get involved with someone else.

What if the new partner is hotter than me? What if they are better in bed then me? What if my partner loves them more than me?

I have not yet been in many situations of dealing with this. My previous boyfriend a year ago was dating someone else at the same time as me. She was crazy about him and hated my guts. She was ok with him sleeping with other people except me. So he ended up dumping me but later on used me to cheat on her because she was not satisfying him sexually.
He actually had a serious go at me calling me a slut and a whore. This was his way of breaking up with me.

So that didn’t end that well. My second example is my friend the Bald One. Since we started sleeping together he has very clearly stated his loyalty to me. And when it came to my other friend the Climber, who I have had a few moresomes with, I felt like I might loose them both if they slept together. So I asked him if he would tell me if he planned on seeing her. I also suggested we’d sleep together, the three of us. This happened later on. Last Saturday we were all out together and she had asked him to come home with her, so he asked me for permission. After thinking it through and feeling it through, I agreed.

I have never experienced that kind of loyalty before and it makes me feel very safe.

Thirdly there is the German. He is in general out on a date about once a week. And when he goes out clubbing he ends up meeting new girls. I fully support him in developing his sexuality and making new contacts. But I do occasionally feel jealous. I am worried about losing him. I am worried that he will enjoy screwing someone else more than me. This is mainly since I know he doesn’t find me sexy. Or at least this is what he said about 3 months into our relationship. By him saying I do not fit his usual type, I got very conscious about it all. I have found a way of dealing with it though.

Now every time jealousy shows it’s ugly head, I face it and tell myself that I know that he loves me. He has shown this more in the last few days than ever (or at least that is how it feels). Then that burn inside my chest goes away and I am happy for him. Sure I could lose him, but I doubt it would be because of some other woman.

So there are all these What if Questions but when you are open and loving the answer is simple. They love you. There is only one of you. There is a reason why they want you in their lives. They will not give up on you easily.

If these things aren’t true then from my point of view, the relationship is not worth keeping any longer.

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

Coming out

So I said previously I was going to write about this.

Well I have three stories to tell, my own, my German’s and my london lover’s.

Let’s start with my London lover’s, for future reference I am going to call him the Bald One  (no offence, but it’s better since you went bald). Anyway so he told me in detail his history with BDSM and how he had a meet up with his friends and said he wanted to announce something. Apparently they all wondered what it could be and came up with very funny ideas.

So he took the challenge of facing all of his closest friends and telling them about his sexual preferences. He says that until now his mom has issues dealing with it and urges him to settle down with vanilla girl next door type. I totally understand that he does not see eye to eye with his mother. Neither do I, as you might well have noticed.

Here is how it happened to me. Thanks do my close relationship with my mother I was just always used to being open to people about it. As I discovered new fascinating things like BDSM, the Fetishscene, Open Relationships and Polyamory, I just talked to people about it,  mainly my close friends and mother. By now I am so comfortable about al of this that if you will ask me what I did this weekend I won´t hesitate to tell you what sort of clubs I went to.

The German on the other hand is still in the closet, or at least partially. This is why this blog is kept away from almost everyone he could know. His closest friends don´t know much about his love or sexlife. In one group, he has slept with one girl and I doubt anyone else knows even though I have the suspicion that she has something going on with another guy from the group. Anyway I am amazed about how discreet these people are, it´s almost like being back home. Due to being with me he has mentioned to some of his closest, including his mum, that he is in an open relationship with me. He has also told them that I have two boyfriends. Mostly the reactions have been pretty smooth I would say. So his way of coming out is bit by bit when it comes to his friends.

But what about strangers and new acquaintances? The Bald One and I mainly go out in the Fetish Scene in London, so we are pretty settled in already when it comes to telling someone what you are into. Even saying you are poly has the common reaction of people knowing what it is and saying that is just doesn´t appeal to them. But The German has been on a few dates with a few women and until now he hasn´t found a way of saying, I have a girlfriend, am a dominant BDSM male and looking for fun and more. We discussed this yesterday. Where does ethical and your fun conflict, he said. When does he have to tell a woman about his relationship with me? Too early might scare her away and too late might make her feel cheated and used.
(I once told a guy soon after we had sex, we had sex three more times that night but I never saw him again after that.)

So when and how do we drop the poly bomb? The BDSM one can easily be hidden if one is ok with having vanilla sex in these situations but saying one is in a relationship or even multiple ones can easily alienate otherwise potential partners.

It is not easy to find the ethical balance without jeopardising one´s fun. I personally play with open cards from the very beginning and let people know about my situation as soon as there seems to be interest.

Finally an example. Wednesday the German went to the Sauna with a woman, around the same age as him. They share a hobby and thus know each other. She suggested going to the sauna, he agreed. They spent a few hours naked, in the whirlpool and cuddling talking about her sextoys.

When will he tell her about his situation?

I think that since they discussed a sexual and intimate topic on their first date, he should not wait for too long. Maybe see when first intimate physical contact is established, or attraction and emotional comfort is clear. He will have to find out on his own. I hope for him she won´t shy away.

But the poly BDSM people are not necessarily distinguishable from the vanilla monogamous people 😉

Love and Be Loved,

ThePolyOrange

Recent Thoughts

Due to recent events I got into talking about all the people that came and left my life over the past year, and my past in general. My desires and sexuality are very fluid. My interests change. 

I also have a limited amount of attention to give and time to spent with people. I realise this connects to my post about selfishness.

As I progress from one relationship to another my priorities change and I find that people fade away, may it be due to neglect or something else but mostly they just drift away. It’s sad. I never dare to tell them what they meant to me nor do I find a way to give those relationships the ending they deserve…

It is always difficult when things like these end. 

It is even worse when you stop being interested in someone in some way, like sexually. Someone you use to want to be intimate with but now prefer to be platonic and friendly with. How do you tell someone this? Why has it happened?

The answer I found so far is that Sex 1on1 is really emotionally stressful for me. I get shy, nervous and self conscious. Sometimes my needs change and this person, as harsh as it sounds, no longer seems worth the effort I have to put in to be sexually comfortabel with them for what I get out of the encounter.

It is hard to face this. It is even worse to not be able to explain this to someone. I am worried to hurt people in this way.

However I am glad I bothered to think this through even though it means I have to admit that I can be a shy little girl, whose ways look selfish and retracted sometimes which contradicts my usually open and dominant nature. (I do really like feeling protected and safe, another thing hard to admit)

 

I guess I have a lot of things to admit, to stop being in denial about and to own up to but it is all part of the process of growing. Another Fucking Opportunity to Grow!

 

Love and Be Loved,

 

ThePolyOrange